SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday (June 21) would have been my mother'd 89th birthday. She passed away in Dec/05 at age 80. I have not been able to grieve over her death - no tears, no expression of grief, no processing of her death. Yesterday, when I thought that she would have turned 89, I could feel tears starting, but still held them in. Today in church, as the minister was talking about "making the circle wide", about community, etc, the tears started and I had trouble not truly losing it. I managed to keep it to just watery eyes, but the rest of the day has been tough. Am I finally breaking through and starting to feel my emotions. When I told my BS what caused the tears, hIs response was that he was disappointed the tears weren't over us. This upset me, and more tears came. Here I think I have a break through and am starting to feel things, and I got what felt like a very negative response. We talked about this and I said perhaps you could have said, I am glad you are starting to feel emotions including grieving over your mom, but had hoped the tears were over us. He did apologize but I can't seem to do anything but cry. I have cried more since DDay - Sept 1/13 than the entire rest of my life, but still am only just starting to get in touch with my feelings (IMO). I am on my third IC and I believe I have found a gem of a therapist. I will be starting EMDR on June 26 and some of the exercises I am doing in preparation are a "tapping" on alternative sides of the body and repeating positive cognitive statements. I am wondering if these exercises are starting the process of feeling my emotions. I don't really know why the tears are so close to the surface today and any and everything seem to start them flowing. Is this remorse/guilt kicking in? Is it me finally starting to deal with FOO issues and I have faced enough of them in the last nine and a half months that subconsciously it is having a positive effect? Is telling my "story" to three different therapists also have a positive internal, emotional effect? Just don't know what to make of the tears. I have to say I feel very down, so is it depression? Just thoughts and wondering if others have had the same thing happen.

So BS read my post and his response was - it is still all about you isn't it? You still don't get it. Here I thought I might be making some progress - starting to feel emotions which is very foreign to me. He has said the only opinion that matters is his and me thinking about my emotions and feelings about my mom perhaps as a starting point to understand how I went so horribly wrong it is still all about me. Not about committing adultery, not about destroying our marriage for a POSOM. Not about lying, cheating and deceiving him for over three years. I thought understanding my emotions might be a good starting place to digging deeper into me but I am still thinking about me. So the first 2X4 was inhouse.

Hmmm... not sure of your story so please forgive me if im off base here.

The wayward side forum is a place for you to safely express ANY feelings you are having and to seek guidance. Try not so see your BSs reaction as a comment on the validity of your post. Your feelings are real, and complex and you will both struggle to understand them for many years to come.

It sounds to me as though BS doesnt feel heard or like you are giving yourself to the job of rebuilding the way he would want. Its not about the post, or really about why you cried. It really just sounds like he still doesnt feel validated by you and he is lashing out.

Try not to focus too much on the idea that YOU had this big breaktnrough and YOU feel like its progress. That IS making it all about you. Your BS is in immeasurable pain and feels lost in a world he is forced to live in but never chose for himself. When he says things like this, store your confusion, your anger and your fear - bring it to an IC or here to us where you can vent safely, and simply be there for your BS. Listen to how it makes him feel and ask what you can do better/differently.

He cant support your pain or your confusion right now. The tragic part is he probably wishes he could, but you arent safe anymore. He doesnt share your feeling of progress because he can no longer relate to you. He wants to feel progress himself, but how can he when he cant tell up from down and would probably like to take a vacation to hell to get a bit of a break from the pain cause by infidelity.

Be patient, be compassionate. We are here for you. But he cant be.

[This message edited by theseseatsRtaken at 11:15 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]