I just read a post in the BS forum about how once a dish breaks it can't be put back together again, and sometimes sorry just isn't enough. For those of us that are truly remorseful, and I know that some are not, but for those of us that are and are willing to fight for our spouses, apologies are all we have and we're going to say them anyway, and often.
They say a soft voice turns away anger. We humans are imperfect. Whatever broken things within us caused us to implode our marriages don't have to define us for the rest of our lives. Those of us seeking mindfulness and spiritual growth won't ever forget what we did. Even those of us who've strayed multiple times or who have had other setbacks, we're still worthy of love and kindness.
It's easier said than done to be kind to ourselves and to love ourselves. But that's exactly what it takes. Let go of the outcome. Accept our imperfections. Be proud of working to be better, no matter how small the progress.
MC somehow convinced my wife, in the span of 45 minutes, to put some effort in, because it would help her decide whether she really wants to stay in the marriage or not, and if she's going to behave all emotionally and physically detached, that's only going to make it easier for her to walk away.
MC said how some people who divorce have sex with each other "to make sure it's over and they no longer feel anything". I made it clear that my goal is to stay together. So MC says we should schedule a date night, which BW has avoided doing with me, to see how she feels (no pressure or anything!)
And we should go so far as to schedule sex X times a week, even if BW considers it selfish of her; like she would "just be using me". MC's reasoning was that we won't have any physical or emotional bonding without that anyway, so we should do it. Oxytocin release and so forth.
I said "Um, yes, sign me up for some of that." That made BW smile :)
MC asked me how I was doing and I said "I'm doing what I can. I'm trying to accept the things I can't change and change the things I can. And I'm learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable."
I can't change the past and my wife is either going to work with me towards a better future. Or she won't be able to get past everything that's happened. Either way we'll need to be friends for the sake of our son. I want her to be happy.
I think that thought even makes me less selfish. I really do care about her happiness and I expect nothing in return from that desire.
In any case, speaking of happiness, BW left for work (giving me a smooch on the lips on the way out!) and I told her I was penciling her in for tonight. I got a little half smile out of that statement. :)
I will be able to look myself in the eye, come what may, and know that my horrible actions do not make me a horrible person, that I did what I could to fight for my marriage and that it's never too late for forgiveness and to change myself for the better.
I continue working to understand myself, love myself, and live with myself. After all, my self goes every where I go, feels what I feel, sees what I see, and is always there in my head.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring (or even tonight), but right now, I have hope. "Hope is a good thing. maybe the best of good things. and no good thing ever dies." (Name that movie)
I am a work in progress and I have hope.
