SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So after everything 2 years ago, we have been trying to work it out. I have had my ups and downs in trusting him but now, there is a feeling I just can't shake off. My instincts have so far been correct in the past and I think that is what makes it so difficult for me now, because I don't know if I am just over-thinking or if I am too afraid to trust my gut. Last night we were discussing his brothers and how they all have cheated on their wives and he said "its something that just happens" and I said "no its something that they consciously choose to do" and as the conversation progressed, we went into who is to blame. He thinks that the one being cheated on is the one to blame for whatever reasons and that the cheater is not responsible! I was disgusted with that and debated with him that no matter what the one being cheated on does or doesn't do in the relationship, you can't blame them for a cheater's betrayal especially if the cheater is not communicating his dissatisfaction with the relationship. It got uncomfortable though, he is always uneasy talking about this and we haven't been able to have a convo about what he did 2 years ago without arguing, so we decided to stop to avoid arguing. I just can't believe that after what he did to me, after apologizing and claiming he was wrong, he coukd say that. Come to think of it, he jas done nothing to earn my trust back or to demonstrate he is sorry and appreciates me. Am I asking for too much? He has done nothing but demand my trust and act even more shady. PURPOSEFULLY Buying a phone you know I can't track?!?! There are some red flags but none that can confirm and I believe this is a more person-person affair (if its that) and I don't believe he is using phone, text, or email to communicate but I could be wrong and/or that could change. The first red flag is that instead of hiring people to work with him, he hires and fires left and right and winds up working alone in an empty house. Secondly, he is working later now and although "'tis the season", it doesn't feel right. Lastly, he used to avoid overnight working and now he wants to take a weekend close to our own daughter's birthday when originally he was supposed to go during the work week. While these are not clear 100% indicators of something going on and it may just be what he needs to do, my dreams and gut says different. The only way I will know is if I just pop up one day though. He knows if he cheats on me again we are done but I don't think he believes I will leave him and divorce him. It is super scary thinking about being a single mom to 4 children and that is the only reason I am still here. I know kids are the worst reason to stay in a relationship but I didn't want to just give up either and throw away 9 years.

I think you know that rug-sweeping doesn't work. He doesn't sound remorseful. Frankly, there are lots of red flags

He bought an untraceable phone-but you don't think he's using it? Why? Why else would he have it?

I think it's time for a VAR

But what do I do? There is no real evidence yet. Its just my suspicions and his said "privacy" need. All I can do is pop up here and there and try to catch him if anything is actually going on, but sometimes I think I should just let go of my suspicions and wait for it to come to light whenever and however that may happen. I am just too impatient though and value my years with him and don't want to live the rest of them forcing this wall up to avoid the same insane feelings he provoked two years ago. I don't want to waste my time. I NEED to know but I can't ask a man who can look me in the eye and lie to me over and over and come up with lame excuses.

cannotheal90,

You will see on this site everywhere....."TRUST YOUR GUT".

Just went back & read your posts from last summer saying the same things as now basically. My feeling is that this is still the same A from 2 years ago & it has just gone underground but you haven't trusted your gut feelings the whole time. They won't go away for a reason.....listen to them!!!!

Follow him yourself. Park outside his work on the weekend he wants to do overnight soon, & see what is really up. Have a friend do it, if you can't, etc. Find a way & I bet you get all your answers right there.

And as for "his said privacy need" ......basically, the only thing needed to respond to him about that is.........."you don't get privacy when you have had an A".

(Plus, privacy is when you want to close the bathroom door when you take a dump - without your phone present, of course. A secret phone is not privacy, it's secretive, plain & simple & for those that have nothing to hide....why a secret phone????)

Honey, you need to file for divorce, like NOW. It will either wake his ass up or you will be able to move on to a better life with your kids.

He will have to pay CS for 4 kids plus possible alimony, lose half of everything of his, etc., etc., etc. Sometimes being served is what it takes to get them to thinking about all the above mentioned & make definitive decisions about their A. Sometimes not & then you take half of everything, get your CS & SS & move on with your life. You will be happier, I guarantee it & love fades, believe me.

Sending hugs & strength your way!!!

I spent years in that same limbo. I had plenty of red flags but no solid evidence and no idea what to do. I didn't find SI until after my world exploded.

S.K is spot on. You have to learn to trust your gut above your WH's words and actions. You can just sit back and wait for the truth to come out. And I'm a firm believer that it does eventually come out. But while you're waiting, your WH could be acting out even worse and the pain could be so much more.

The best you can do for yourself and your 4 kids is to become your own private eye. Research VARS and other spy ware. Keep posting on SI and asking advice. We have some pretty amazing sleuths on here. Keep everything private. Don't show your hand to WH until you have all the solid evidence you want and need.

For your own peace of mind, you need to find out the truth on your own. I'm so sorry you're having to face this. Its horrible. I hope you find your answers soon.