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Thank you to everyone who has posted, so here is the update. I have spent the entire day with the unsettling feelings. Wishing I had my ring on. I want these feelings to sink in. I am going to put the ring back on, I never gave up. I was just letting myself feel what the failure I had become. What the broken promises and horrendous actions have cost me. I am totally 100% in this M and committed to R. I have been discussing with my BS my feelings all day yesterday. It was a good experience for me. I even teared up a few times. Do I recommend this for other WS? Not necessarily. Everyone's path is their own. But it was definitely an experience. The next question is now that I have been feeling these losses. Will they change when I put the ring back on? I will let you know soon.

Thanks again to everyone.

I hope the experiment of having it off helps you to keep moving through this mess. It sounds good that you walked through all the feelings of having it off with your BS. Hopefully it was enlightening for both of you.

My thoughts on the rings: I take them off at home because as others have said, they don't mean much in my relationship now. I wear them in public so that I will look married. Some days I can't get myself to put on the band & engagement ring, so I wear another one on that finger. I want WH to wear his because the vows were, "take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity", the promise that went along with his ring remains true.

If we make it through all of this I told WH that I'd like to renew our vows (probably privately) and to get a replica of my wedding band and I'll wear all three rings since they will tell our story- the engagement ring: that he asked for me, the first wedding band: that we tried and he failed, the (theoretical) new wedding band: that I've put my faith back in him. I want the new one to look just like the old one so that eventually I won't know which is which.

Ok so the ring is back on, and I feel a little relief. The relief is only for the thought of sending the wrong signal to my BS. I still feel that loss. which is a good thing.

After discussion with my BS. The conclusion, I am going to get my current ring sized up to fit properly. I am going to buy an additional ring as a symbol of my commitment to myself. And then one day, after R, we will buy a new 3 piece set. The current idea is the ring I buy for myself with be black titanium. (I liked the representation Wayflost) So on my finger in the future will be:

The original band (where I was) Gold

black titanium (the dark days) Black

new band (the future) Gold

Thank you everyone for joining me on this journey.

About six months after DDay it occurred to me that I didn't have to continue to suffer all the triggers every time I saw my ring. It was an aha moment, because after 20+ years of never taking it off it didn't occur to me that I even could. I can relate to the surprise of seeing your scars, Dr. Jekyll. When I took mine off I saw that my finger had significant atrophy in the space where my rings had been. My fWH FREAKED when we were laying in bed in the dark and I told him I had just taken them off. Here I was feeling empowered and proud of myself that I was discovering ways to help myself heal. And I thought it was a sharing moment with him. I was trying to offer healthy honest communication and include him in my journey. But he just went insane. He grabbed my bare finger and started a gut wrenching sob and became hysterical. He begged me to put it back on and I told him that was a selfish request since it had become my ring of pain and betrayal. I gently refused. So he took his off, got up and put it in his dresser drawer, and laid back down. I felt nothing more than I thought he was being impulsively immature. But he had plummeted into an abyss of fear that this was an omen our M would fail. I told him that while he wore his ring he went off on a sexual journey with another woman. So the whole ring thing had worthless value as far as I was concerned. He panicked, jumped up and got his ring back from the drawer. He put it back on and kept saying he was going to wear his. Fine. I didn't care either way. But I had the luxury of not caring because he has been so driven to atone for his past behavior and be forever more the amazing H he thinks I deserve. If he gave me mixed messages about being all in this M I'm sure I would have felt a stabbing pain if he took his ring off.

So we compromised in a way that was healthy for both of us. I took my wedding ring/engagement ring that had been soldered together immediately after our wedding and had the jeweler separate them. I wrote a good-bye letter to my wedding band and gave it to my H to make disappear so I never have to see it again. I put the yellow gold engagement ring on and bought two new bands in white gold. I put one of the bands on my finger symbolizing my promise to myself that I would stand against my co-dependency and champion myself from now until eternity. I gave the twin band to my H to keep until the day I am healed, no longer feel interchangeable with other women, and want to be married to him again. Because I do not feel married. I haven't since DDay.

Hi, DrJekyll,

I wish you and the missus the best and I hope that you guys continue healing.

I have had a number of experiences regarding wedding jewelry with BW. After D-day(s) in 2008, BW asked me to take off my ring and she took hers off. I was enraged and made it all about me. All types of thoughts were going through my head. "Does this mean that this is really over?" "What the hell is going on?" etc. We ended up selling our wedding bands and engagement rings.

I wanted that ring back. I struggled with repressing my anger because I felt like I deserved it. Fast forward 5 years. BW and I are celebrating our anniversary. We got matching wedding bands (and another band for me) and were working on buying a new engagement ring for her. I began to wear mine everyday and was so proud of it.

Fast forward to the present and I am not wearing my band again. BW mentioned to me that it is triggering because she has asked me on a number of occasions to remove the ring and I just blew her off. She relayed that it meant nothing as I have lied and lied in this relationship.

I was angry, but saw her point of view. I removed the ring, gave it to her, and have not worn it since.

It's a piece of jewelry that is only as good as the relationship that you are in.

I took mine off shortly after DD - I felt like others have said that wearing his had meant nothing to my H so it no longer had any value to me (in fact it hurt like hell to look at it in those first days and was a reminder, as were photos of our wedding, of vows that came to nothing). He still wears his and I guess he sees it as the M he wants to keep working on. I'll never wear mine again - the promises related to that ring and our wedding day were broken - in time I think I'd be prepared to wear another ring that symbolizes us moving on. For the moment I wear a ring of my sister who has passed on - the feeling of bitterness and anger has been replaced by one of affection for her and when anyone asks me why I don't wear a wedding band I just say it stopped fitting me after my last pregnancy (ironically that is in part true - just not a physical fit!).

After DD my BS didn’t say anything about me wearing my wedding band and I kept it on. It was a security to me that she was not totally closing the door. However, my lies and TT over the next 3 years finally pushed her to the point that she told me to take it off, that I didn’t deserve to wear it – which was completely true. I felt exposed without it. While we have been careful to keep our issues to ourselves I felt like everyone noticed I was no longer wearing it. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t want to have it back on. She’s still working to believe we have a chance of R and I’m doing everything I can to be the man and husband I should have been. I long for the day she gives it back to me.