SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've looked at it every way I can. I can sit here and logically say that he left and it had nothing to do with my worth, but how unworthy he felt about himself and how he couldn't handle pain so needed that validation or whatever his thing was. It was about him being broken, not about my worth. I can even talk about why they were broken - father - child of alcoholic, hubby - some serious dysfunction in family - so I was just received the shrapnel of their actions. But the shrapnel was intense. My childhood changed because he left, drastically. My marriage changed because of what hubby and I did - difficult for me to not be sure someone else has my back.

So I can logically sort this out. But that's about it.

But ya know, when you shit on someone, you make amends. Big ones, IMHO.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:02 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

And it tends to be when I'm feeling vulnerable/upset about something else already

yes and that is what happened. I was upset and had anger for a person I hadn't released yet.

How much work have you done on this? I see this as so connected to what happened with your H and why you can't let go of what happened. I think when you can resolve the one the other will follow.

@Tired girl, I am very interested in this statement from you. I, too, have abandonment issues, although my parents never left, they were just never present.

I have acknowledged it in IC. What work are you talking about? I don't get what you mean? Maybe this will help Rachel too? I mean I have discussed it, it has made me sad, I talk about those feelings, but how do you resolve it? That is what I don't get… Any insight?

This is where I am stuck as well.

Rachel, and maybe brokensmile because I don't know what work you have done,

You are looking at it logically, not with your heart. What emotions and feelings does that bring up for you, that is where you have to go with it. And when you think about your H with another woman, how does that make you feel in relation to abandoment? What fears, feelings, where does that take you? These are all things that should be guided by an IC that will take you down that road. Often the road is very difficult to travel concerning abandonment issues. Usually lots of fear. Not feeling safe.

Back to OP's first post on this topic. This is why I demanded WW kill her FB and Twitter accounts before I agreed to suspend D process and enter active R. Not as some sort of silly punitive measure, but I just don't need another avenue of opportunity to lurk, and she and OM shared a few tidbits of innuendo before dday on FB. I also know for a fact he followed her on Twitter. Also; after all these months guess what??? You really can live just fine without social media!! No really! People who truly love and care about you ( true friends of your M, kids, grandchildren etc ) will find other ways of keeping in touch and letting you know about the important moments in their lives. All this goodness without all the garbage FB and the like bring into your life.

I do it because even though I feel 99% indifferent, that 1% still really wants to see her tragically scarred in a bear mauling incident.

I think TG is likely on to something as well.

Big Dave Ramsey fan here. In a show recently he mentioned a startling stat. Don't remember the exact percentage but it was either 41% or 61% of last years D proceedings referenced FB as a compnent.

I love Dave Ramsey too! I also heard that stat, but it was somewhere else. Can't remember where.

Just did a quick search - in 2010, it was being cited in 20% of divorce cases. in 2012, it was being cited in 33% of divorce cases.

My H used FB in his EA. It's how he found his xgf. I remember, when I first heard the 20% stat, laughing at him and commenting on the' specialness' of their EA. I said 'Hmm, 50% of marriages end in divorce, and 20% of divorces say FB cheating was the issue, which means 10% of married people do just what you did. There was nothing special about it - you're both common, weak, pathetic and just plain stupid. But at least you're not alone.' He came back with something about never thinking it was special and never caring about her or something, I don't know. I left the room.

For the record, I've never communicated with my AP via Facebook or know or care if he even has one..,,

Lurking on the AP's facebook page makes me feel crazy. Like I crave it somehow. It is definitely a form of addiction, and sometimes helps me to understand how my partner could make so many stupid and hurtful decisions during his A.

When I lurked recently, the biggest deal about it was that (eventually) I told my H about it. He was upset, worried that I was looking to sabotage our relationship. I told him that his concerns were what I expected, and that they were the justifications I would use to keep my lurking a secret. But I wanted to CHANGE those habits and behaviours in myself and our relationship, so no matter what the consequences, I wanted to tell him the truth and work together to change it. That was a couple of weeks ago, I have not lurked since. Been tempted, but think about our conversation and want to continue to improve my perceptions of my H rather than grow my hatred.

Thanks for the thread, so glad I'm not the only one fighting urges to lurk!!!

Tiredgirl, rachelc and brokensmile322....much of my IC work revolves around abandonment and intimacy fears.

My wife could not have chosen a more painful way to hurt me then she did. Yes, I know she did not mean to hurt me by her actions...but her actions very quickly and permenantly rolled back and attached to serious pain I experienced 30 years ago.

At first I thought I could heal from one...then the other. Therapist said that is a logical attitude to have...but does not work with emotional wounding. I must face and work through the pain as one unit....as they are now one.

sucky knews....but has turned out to be correct.

Sucky because in order to heal the heart wounds I have experienced I have to learn to expose the heart! And, as it turns out, I have walled off my heart since childhood. Only finding the courage to expose small parts of it to my wife over the years.....feeling safe enough to ask her to marry me 17 years ago, but then stopping (out of fear) showing her any more of my heart. I did LOTS of "mind things" to attempt to bond and show love (flowers, kind gestures, technically sound sex)....but we don't bond to others via our minds. We bond to each other via our hearts.

And my heart was scarred as a child. CSA, D, Dad disappearing, Mom there but withdrawn.....all scarred my heart. I moved to operating via my mind mostly.....heart was in pain, I was 12, I did the best I could to survive. Then I took much pride in how I DID survive....and inflated my mind, while discounting my heart (and all that it does for us).

As I heal from my pain I see my relationship with my Mom and attitude towards my Dad improving.

This CAN be done....healing. But it is not easy. I am in pain yet today.

I may not be where I want to be....but thank God I am not where I was!

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:01 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

^^^^That is a lot of what I was talking about. You have to deal with the wound that was created as a child in order to heal what has happened to you in your M.

God bless you tired girl.

Peace

Rachel,

I lurked this week too, on a "guest" blog entry the AP did. It was long, self-involved, and a rationalization against something her husband believes. Kind of shocking actually, considering what she did.

However, it was a trigger and has left me POed for days. Mad at her. Mad at my husband. Mad that she reeled my husband in (largely via email) with her empty, empty, empty words.

But how do I not "go there?" I have her blocked on FB, but her name came up on this feed for a blog I occasionally read by another friend. So. . . I went & I read.

It is so tempting -- but I have to stop. At a year I am trying to be kind to myself - that it is reasonable that I would be tempted. But, there is nothing good to be found there.

So, now I think I might have to unfollow this friend's blog where AP occasionally gets some air time. Which is no biggie I guess - to avoid temptation to check up on AP. On one hand the post did nothing but cement everything I thought about her. She is shallow and self-justifying in every sense of the word. But, it just made me feel rotten.

ETA: I just went and unliked this friend's blog on FB, and unfollowed it. That way at least it won't show up in my feed. I hope this person doesn't notice though - it would make me feel bad.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:50 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

These are all things that should be guided by an IC that will take you down that road. Often the road is very difficult to travel concerning abandonment issues. Usually lots of fear. Not feeling safe.

I guess this is where I am stuck. I know the feelings it brings up. And I know I felt them as a child. Do I have to go through a 'feeling' of them again? I am not sure what you mean. I mean I understand the logic of why what my WH did was so tragic for me…I know that, as Blakesteele says, the pain attached itself to the pain of my childhood and they are now one. But what does feeling it again and again have to do with it?

I guess I just don't get it. Do I have to feel it to process it? I thought I had felt it already. Don't want to feel it again.

But what does feeling it again and again have to do with it?

My take is (also multiple therapist take)....we have to make several passes by something this traumatic to really feel and heal from it.

Our coping skills have us very skilled at avoiding feeling and recognizing pain.

My CSA event had me experiencing 30 years of "knowing it" before I felt it enough to feel the pain.....and THEN the healing can start.

This pain is so deep, both childhood and adultery related, that it is a rare betrayed spouse who can make just one pass to really feel and see it at enough level to start to heal.

It is a rare wayward that can make one pass by their "whys", there buried pain and really feel it to the point of deciding to dig deeper and heal THEIR wounds.....what enabled THEM to choose destructively. Their first response is often "Whew, I will NEVER do that again!"...and stop there. Most likely they have spent a lifetime of avoiding the pain that enabled them to choose adultery. Choosing it instead of feeling and healing.....adultery provided an escape from that pain.

Another confirmation that feeling again and again is normal is my therapists work with PTSD and PTSD-like symptoms in other folks. There is a book out on PTSD symptoms following adultery...very good read....can't remember the title of it right now and am pressed for time. I can research my "adultery library" and let you know if interested?

That book confirms that the trauma you went through is simply too strong for us to handle all at once. We have to take several nibbles, then bites, before we can swallow and absorb it....digest it in its entirety.

Keep the faith rachelc.....you are nibbling and chewing and swallowing.

Adultery is a shit sandwhich...the pain is tremendous. You are processing. You are growing.

I know its painful. Keep posting. And post as often as you can just on YOUR feelings...not Mr. rachelc. Keep the focus on you as much as you think you can stand...then be still a bit longer.

This is doable.....but it is painful. Which is why I spent 30 years NOT DOING IT.

The time to heal is now. But healing is a process....not a "now" sort of thing. BUT you have started the healing process. Its unlike anything you expected....how could it be? You, like me, never saw it modeled for you.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:28 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]