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Newest Member: Starrystarrynight

Reconciliation :
Gaslighting and NC

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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 6:47 PM on Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

Strong Beard:

Just keep being strong. This is time when your WS NEEDS you to be tough, your marriage needs you to be tough. Keep focused, your wife has been in an addiction - a "high" with OM -- not reality but a high. Stay grounded, keep posting here.

What I told my WS when he was waffling, "I want it all! I good marriage, a good family, not some fake marriage. You go with me to MC and commit to me or I don't want you."

This was too much for him, I guess!

He later came to some appointments with the kids and I, and I really think we might have been able to work it out, but my atty was pressing me to get WS served.

Also, is she/ you in IC or MC? It really helps to bring a WS to reality when sitting in a quiet room and the counselor is good. There is a reason why your W does these things. She needs to get to the root of the issues, not just stop having EA's with people.

Keep posting here!

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5513   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 6866078
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tryingsodanghard ( member #43590) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

You have to understand, she is addicted to the illicit nature of the affair. Not making excuses, she owns her shit, but the complete attention from this douche bag, completely unfiltered by laundry and crying children and paying the mortgage, is a strong drug. Make the speech. Point out the door. And then shut up for a bit. Get in the car with her for the trip. She's lying to you dude, and it gets easier to lie to you every time she does it.

M in 2005
DS born in 2008
Me BH 52
She WW 42
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
"Reconciled" 7-1-2013
Finally called it quits 2-7-2015
7 y.o. son
15 y.o. xSD who hates ME now

posts: 147   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2014   ·   location: South
id 6866113
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Badhurt ( member #41947) posted at 7:19 PM on Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

I think Strong beard said she cancelled the trip.

Strongbeard, to me that is a big Red Flag. She could have invited you and still gone. But if she could not go alone she cancelled..

Not good.

posts: 1097   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 6866119
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 StrongBeard (original poster new member #44027) posted at 8:18 PM on Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

Badhurt: I *am* a techie, and she is smart. Undetected tracking gets harder over time, as there is plenty of paranoia on her part and plenty of technology available to enable As. Hopefully I won't have to resort to more insidious tactics, but only time will tell.

Yes, the trip is cancelled. It is not as big of a red flag for me, as it was planned long before the EA started, and it was always supposed to be a solo trip for her to have some time. I am not, however, letting my guard down based on this.

tryingsodanghard: I made the speech yesterday, and I intend to continue with 180 practices, showing that I am moving forward and leaving the choice to her whether it is with her or by myself.

We are not in I or MC. After the initial DDay, we got down to the root of the issues - both the trigger of the EA and what led up to it which prevented her from coming to me rather than looking outside. These are the things we were working on in the false R path which looked to be going well until 2nd DDay. I still plan to work on the things which were my part of the issues leading up, regardless, as it will make me a better person.

Today, she is definitely cold and angry. I know she is angry with herself, and I suspect she is angry at me, too (which is mostly irrational - I had every right to be snooping at this point). It's definitely harder to 180 when you see the person you love in obvious pain, but that is part of the protocol. I am confident I can do it, hard as it may be.

March 2010: WW ONS

February-ish 2014: Beginning of EA
March-ish 2014: EA morphed into PA
April 16, 2014: DDay
July 7, 2014: 2nd DDay of continued EA (no PA)
Currently: on the roller coaster, headed for R

posts: 31   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2014   ·   location: Front Range
id 6866201
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Badhurt ( member #41947) posted at 8:28 PM on Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

Strong Beard

Being a techie has its obvious advantages. You are much more in tune with what you need to do than a lot on here

Its good she is mad at you and that she knows you do not care because you had every right to snoop.

She lost her right to privacy or secrecy by her own actions.

Hope all continues to go well. You have your shit together I believe

posts: 1097   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 6866216
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 StrongBeard (original poster new member #44027) posted at 4:54 PM on Monday, July 14th, 2014

Just to update:

The trip was cancelled until about Thursday. Then, she changed her mind and said we could go. Given the destination (hot springs!), it could have been a much better trip. She was a bit angry at first, but we had some time to talk some things out at least. Unfortunately, the other goal of the trip (getting away from the house to catch up on some work) didn't pan out due to a dead laptop battery. C'est la vie.

All in all, though, everything looks to be on the right path. OM did not attempt to contact her, so I'm slightly encouraged by that, at least, since he had no way of knowing that the plans had changed.

March 2010: WW ONS

February-ish 2014: Beginning of EA
March-ish 2014: EA morphed into PA
April 16, 2014: DDay
July 7, 2014: 2nd DDay of continued EA (no PA)
Currently: on the roller coaster, headed for R

posts: 31   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2014   ·   location: Front Range
id 6871665
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veronique12 ( member #42185) posted at 5:10 PM on Monday, July 14th, 2014

Strongbeard, I'm glad you feel that things seem headed in the right direction, but I would caution you to remain vigilant. There are some things here that smell a bit off. Firstly, she is angry at you for snooping? That is a Giant Red Flag. She's trying to make you feel guilty for uncovering that she has been in constant direct covert contact with OM? Gaslighting 101.

Another: you say she's paranoid re tech stuff? Why, if she isn't continuing to hide things?

If I were in your shoes there'd be a hidden VAR in her car.

You know the advice that you should be watching her actions, not listening to her words. Follow it. I know it's hard to do when you so want to believe her.

BW, D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

posts: 894   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2014
id 6871682
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 StrongBeard (original poster new member #44027) posted at 6:39 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

veronique: I am definitely remaining vigilant and will for some time. re: tech, I meant that she was when the A was (visibly) ongoing. So she would still be - which is why I'm still watching carefully and taking everything she says with a block or two of salt.

March 2010: WW ONS

February-ish 2014: Beginning of EA
March-ish 2014: EA morphed into PA
April 16, 2014: DDay
July 7, 2014: 2nd DDay of continued EA (no PA)
Currently: on the roller coaster, headed for R

posts: 31   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2014   ·   location: Front Range
id 6882907
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Badhurt ( member #41947) posted at 9:05 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Strong Beard,

being a techie that you are gives you a definite advantage as long as you don't go to sleep at the switch.

I see red flags here too but you are better prepared not to get blindsided again than most.

Good luck

posts: 1097   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 6883152
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FixYou71 ( member #42654) posted at 11:43 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Strongbeard, what requirements have you given her other than stopping her A and NC?

BS:44
H: 50
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 22 and DS 18
Married 1993

posts: 700   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014
id 6883315
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tryingsodanghard ( member #43590) posted at 5:36 PM on Tuesday, November 25th, 2014

Strongbeard, how's it going? Hope you are still with us.

M in 2005
DS born in 2008
Me BH 52
She WW 42
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
"Reconciled" 7-1-2013
Finally called it quits 2-7-2015
7 y.o. son
15 y.o. xSD who hates ME now

posts: 147   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2014   ·   location: South
id 7022124
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Chivalrous ( member #45316) posted at 3:27 AM on Wednesday, November 26th, 2014

It's great that you are a techie, but as you said she is paranoid and she catches on. What makes me scratch my head is that if she is really trying to R with you she should be transparent as possible.

BS (me) - 36
WS - 33
DD - 1 year old beauty
D - Final - 2015


Forgive not for the other person, but for yourself.

"Chivalrous," means to be gracious to one's enemy and I am grateful to that AP for taking that person off my hands.

posts: 161   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2014   ·   location: MN
id 7022768
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ReeseR1 ( member #45380) posted at 4:51 AM on Wednesday, November 26th, 2014

I haven't read all the responses but for my "SA"WS an app called life360 had to be put on phone -- a tracker he knows about. Deal breaker if he complained about that.

Something is off I think with your wife..

[This message edited by ReeseR1 at 7:32 PM, November 26th (Wednesday)]

Infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving.
ME/BS: 46, WS: Him, 50, SA
M 21y w kids
-- Dday #1 - 2013
-- Dday #2+++ 2014 More pluses.
-- He wants to R, I'm meh
--Blogging at HePlayedMe.Wordpress.com

posts: 587   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2014   ·   location: NE
id 7022827
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