So I had a hard night the other night. Dipshit taking up way too much space in my head. Mostly missing the past etc. I was weak so I texted him and set up getting together for lunch.
I wasn't really sure what I wanted to accomplish. I guess just to talk like human beings. Dipshit was his normal self. Not really rude or anything, projecting his 'nice guy' persona. But I noticed just how much of his conversation was "I". It was all about him, his job search, looking for a new apartment, his therapy and legal situation. A few comments about the kids and how we're going to handle their health insurance. I think I brought them up first.
Not one question about how I was doing. The last time we really talked was just after I got out of the psych hospital. He knows I'm on ADs that are VERY expensive. No apologies, no concern, but I wasn't really looking for that.
Later that same day I had a therapy appointment and we talked a lot about it. I think what I wanted, or needed from that lunch meeting, was to gauge my own reaction to him. To see if this is really the same guy I loved. And you know what? He's not. He's a stereotypical 'nice guy', but that's only because that's how he wants to be seen. He's really capable of incredible selfishness, and I can see that now. Dipshit really is an immature little child-man, and I don't find that attractive now. Maybe when I was 23, because there was still time to grow up, but not in a 40+ year old man.
To make a long story short (too late), I think I'm finally falling out of love with him. What a relief!
