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He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

I really think you should have called the police and had him arrested for assault and battery. Then, you should have taken out a restraining order on him, while at the same time, have a friend change out ALL your locks, and change out the garage opener code.

He has shown you he will not hesitate to physically attack you. You did not *make him* do this, so if he hands you that line, don't believe him.

Please be safe. If necessary, go to a women's shelter and take the children so he cannot say you "abandoned" them.

He insists that I will have to show I am really really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.

This is the biggest piece of crap I've read today.

At the very least, so what if you don't have "proof" of an affair? You have proof of his lies, and proof that he attacked you.

It is VERY DOUBTFUL, like I am 99.999% sure, he will NOT change. I know in your Profile you said you didn't want to get a divorce. I hope you changed your mind about that, since this situation has taken a terrifying turn.

See an attorney, be safe. You are in danger--things might be calm now, but what about next time he gets riled up?!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 12:41 AM, July 11th (Friday)]

You don't need his forgiveness for hiring a PI. You did what you had to do, since he is a liar, and in a EA, if not a PA. He should be begging your forgiveness for his outright lying. He is just trying to control you and switch the focus onto you.

Don't buy into his making you feel guilty. You did what you had to do for your sanity and to finally find out the truth. Don't let him sweep that under the rug. Don't apologize for the PI in anyway.

You know the M isn't healthy. You know you are at risk. You fear him, fear his reactions. This is no way to live. Do what you need to do to feel safe.

He hit and kicked you -- strike 1

He wants you to earn his forgiveness -- bwahahaha ---um hell no... strike 2

he's lying his lying ass off -- strike 1, strike 2 and strike 3....get him out

Step 1. Call an attorney

Step 2. Call an IC specializing in abuse/DV

Step 3. Get every single account number, password, ect for every single financial account. Get print outs of everything! Hard Copies -- store them away from your house.

1. your mortgage

2. The deed to your house

3. Savings/checking/retirement accoutns

4. insurance including car insurance policy numbers and records

5. credit cards

6. investment account records

7. cell phone bill information

8. utility account numbers

9. Make sure you have individual bank accounts and credit cards so he can't cut you off financially

10. run a credit report on both of you.

11. copies of his pay stubs if possible

12. tax records

13. Get your name on utility bills.

14. Make sure you have a vehicle with your name on it.

These things will help you with leverage. They will protect you from inconvenience and headaches if he gets stupid and controlling. Don't let him know what you're doing.

Be careful about leaving the house for too many days. Get him out.

He hit you, kicked you, and threatened you with a golf club.

Then he had the BALLS to say YOU had to work for HIS forgiveness???

Good luck with the attorney, please let us know that you're safe.

Hexed: that is just what I was looking for. Several things I hadn't thought of. The day he found out about the PI he took all the car keys except my son's... Told me he pays for all the cars and to go get my own. He rescinded that 2 days later. Also took my amx that we use for gas/Costco. He has not given me that back yet, nor have I asked.

I work part time as an RN. I could work a ton more but it would mean leaving my kids home more, which I hate. They are not comfortable when with him.

I know what I need to do... But the shock and reality is really, really tough. At one time I said I did not want a divorce, but now I do. It is the process I am afraid of. He can be one nasty SOB.

TS68, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. The thing that comes to my mind that I wanted to add, is to remove your personal information, like where you are from and your age etc from your tagline. Perhaps go back in and make your posts more generic (if that's not breaking forum guidelines).

You've given enough information to make yourself easily identifiable IRL. If your husband said he didn't think you came up with the PI idea on your own, he's going to wonder/search for who gave you the idea. Forums like this are easy to search. He may also be the type to install tracking software on your computer etc while you were away, to spy on you. He sounds very controlling and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. If you don't want to give him advanced notice of what you are doing, keep in mind you don't want to put stuff out there that he can get his hands on. I know, ironically sneaky, but you gotta protect yourself and he sounds really shady.

Stay safe!

He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

At first I only read that far and had already come to a conclusion.

Then I read on and the comments about the golf-set, the keys and the cars and all that…

Honey – you are in an abusive relationship.

Irrespective of the possible infidelity then his actions show total and utter disrespect for you.

Your sense of fear… that’s how he’s starting to control you.

In the strongest of words then you need to take action.

That can be filing for divorce.

That can be calling an abused-woman’s helpline for advice (these life-saving resources are not only for those women that have already been beaten senseless – they DO advice women in the early stages).

That can be demanding MC.

But honey – YOU NEED TO TAKE ACTION.

They are not comfortable when with him.

Why is that?

Is he abusive or controlling to them, too?

As for what to do now that you're back, I hope the FIRST thing you do is face him and say 'the next time you touch me I'm calling the police.'

The lawyer will tell you that you are entitled to half of everything, including the cars, and he has no right to keep you from them. IIWY, if he still refuses to give you a car, I would call a locksmith and hire him to MAKE you another key to one of them.

He is cold and distant from them, especially the older

boys. He always has been. The older they get, the more I see them avoiding him. Besides financially, he has been a lousy father emotionally. He has always put his interests and desires before them.

I will update my profile. Great advice.

[This message edited by TS68 at 1:07 PM, July 11th, 2014 (Friday)]

I will add to hex's great list:

Research the top divorce attorneys in your area. Get a free consult from as many as possible. Once you have conferred with them they cannot take your H as a client. If there are any that specialize in men's rights make sure to see them.

This is when I wish all of us on SI could get together and show up as an army.

You need to have one goal: to get rid of his s.o.b. You are not a dog to be slapped, kicked, threatened, abused, and cheated on. Oh and then ask for his forgivness? Prosecute, divorce. he might be abusing your children too, or he will. Abusers aren't that specific, don't assume they are. What if next time he kicks you he busts your kidney? Or breaks your jaw? or god forbid one of the kids tries to interfere?

You need to become a warrior, those bitch boots everyone talks about? yeah, put them on. Repeat these two words to yourself: f**k. him. He will be confused and flabbergasted if you do, and that's what you want. Of course, above all else keep yourself safe. I would normally advise spending a few days first cleaning out the bank accounts and getting your stuff etc, but you don't even have that luxury. Get out. Let that bitch have his violent cheating ass. She can go to his social events topless and play with your golf clubs if she wants, and then when he finds some new strange she can be the one getting kicked.

Call a women's abuse hotline, an attorney, make a police report, tell family members. You are not safe.

As someone else said, game over.

I am sorry I wasn't more specific, TS68. When I suggested calling the women's shelter for tips, I meant that they will give you the excellent tips like hexed gave you, but also how to do it all the whilst keeping yourself (and children) safe during the transition. This is the most dangerous time for the abused. Even if your husband never was physically abusive before, and this is the first time, it can escalate very quickly. When he starts feeling he has no control over you, it is an extremely dangerous time.

I will add to what hexed said. Make sure you make two copies. Have a trusted friend/family member keep copies for you. Put your copies somewhere safe, a safety deposit box, for instance.

Please keep us posted.

Riled up he will get. Its not in your post specifically, but I suspect his secretary is playing hard to get and this upsets him greatly. Maybe she says no fooling around until he files for D or something like that. Or maybe she's having an EA that he wants to take further to a PA and she's not going along with his game.

Anything he thinks that gets in his way, like being discovered in his lies about his relationship with her, is going to set him off like a 4th of July rocket. And you are the target.

I don't have to repeat what the others have UNANIMOUSLY told you about getting out NOW. He's dangerous.

Tell the lawyer about the physical abuse and see what she/he can do to get a court order or protective order. Don't tell WH you're seeing a lawyer or that you have filed for divorce. Get safe and have him served. The sooner you do, the safer you'll be. See if he can be barred from the home except under supervised conditions due to physical abuse.

Please go back and reread your post from 11:08. I think you inadvertantly included yours or someone elses name. Probably your auto correct filling in a frequently typed name.

I agree with everyone else. I want to add that whether or not he is cheating (he is or is at least trying to) is not your biggest problem right now. The fact that he is a liar is not your biggest problem right now.

Right now your biggest problem is that he is an abuser and you are being abused. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

None of that shit is OK. Even if he wasn't a WS and you had no cause to be suspicious, even if he wasn't lying and she wasn't there. His reaction is NOT OK. It is NOT normal.

There are NO circumstances that would warrant that violence. NONE WHATSOEVER.

How the fuck DARE he.

ETA: you need to report this to the police. To protect yourself and your children. Talk to the DV counsellors about how to so that.

[This message edited by SBB at 12:41 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

TS

How old are your kids? You might need to work more in the future but hopefully he will be out of the house so it won't be so bad for them.

You have a job. There is no reason you can't get your own cards. Call your current card companies and apply. Do NOT accept an authorized user card. You need your own individual cards.

Get a separate bank account and ATM card. My X trashed our joint account and got it closed by the bank. It made it almost impossible for me to open a bank account wiht a major bank or credit union until I got that straigtened out. Thankfully, I already had my own but I could have been in a cash only world of hurt.

If your cell phone isn't in your own name he can have it cancelled instantly. If your name is on the account at least you can get it turned back on. Better to have your own already, even a pre-paid one for emergency.

Car insurance is another one that can be tricky. Insist or do it yourself, get your name on the registration and title to at least one vehicle. Get copies of keys and hide them. Even if you have to pay for the expensive ones from the dealer.

If you have documents of your assets before you file it make financial discovery easier and protects you if he liquidates things.

If he gets physical at all, call the cops.

If possible squirrel away the money for a retainer with out telling him. If not, be prepared to go in guns ablaze and use a joint card to pay the retainer. Just know that once he sees the charge he will know what's up so you need to be prepared that day.

Feel free to PM me...this post is getting loooong

After a brief conversation I had with him earlier today I realize he thinks I either still have a PI or know more...

I am placating him right now to calm him down. Buy me some time.

Please find a way to get out and take your children with you.. Its not going to get better, it will get worse. Hes abusing you, next time you might end up in the hospital or worse.

Please please please be careful and get out if you can. I've been reading stories lately on April Jace, Dominique Dunne, Judith Barsi, Chris Benoit's family… In some cases, there are signs in advance that a person is escalating… No matter what, he should never have put his hands on you. That he is unremoseful and his behavior continues to be threatening - taking your car keys and card… None of those are signs of a safe person. You're in danger, please get out of there!

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:24 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

Please listen to what everyone else is saying. Get out. Get out now. This is a very dangerous man you are dealing with. A liar and an abuser and you have no idea what a trapped animal might do. For your sake and the kids, get out now.