SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its been awhile since I last posted. When I was last on my BH was taking off to Europe. This turned into a massive blowup and when push came to shove he was okay with me going but that I needed to start going after what I wanted and needed to make it happen. That being said, ive been in Europe with him for the past 4 weeks. We've had our good days where I feel on top of the world and then we have our bad days. These bad days are just horrible and often lead to spiraling out of control. The first 2 weeks were amazing and we were in it together. These last 2 weeks have been a real test and this morning I feel like I'm in a hole and cant find my way out. I felt (personally) that we made one or two steps forward and now I'm a good 4 or 5 backwards. These last two weeks we've been with one of his work friends and that seems to be a real struggle. They feed off eachother...everything from attitude to drinking.

But none the less, the other night we had a really good talk and I finally understand what he needs from me. Maybe I'm slow to realize this but I'm glad that I do. Ive given him a list/details of all the 'events', laid it all out but what he wants is a feeking from me. He wants to understand the why. The problem is I only understand part of it and when I start to explain he doesn't want to hear it. Last night I tried to talk to him again and was pouring my heart and soul out when he just flipped- the name calling and threats started all over again. He says I need to trust him and be able to tell him things knowing he will stay by me. I believe this. Ive opened up and poured myself out...I guess I'm feeling defeated at the moment. I don't expect a pat on the back or a good job but I just hate that he thinks I'm being fake (since I was being for so long) . When we were on the train to where we were staying after dinner he said if I trusted him id let him see my wedding ring. I gave to him but he hasn't given it back. This just sent me off. I've been crying and feeling sorry for myself. He asked if he was more important or the ring. He is and I told him that but when I try to explain why I'm then said it makes him angry.

I'm ashamed to say that this morning, on his was to an aassessment for work, I asked for the ring and he said no and I made a scene. So not only did I not let it go and listen to him but I put him in a shit mood and threw his focus off. Ive been trying so hard to be better to keep improving myself and I just feel like I slid backwards this morning and its far from a good feeling. I have let him down again. Ive made things worse when I should just flipping keep my mouth closed.

Also, he's changing his flight and going back to work in the USA early but says its up to me what I do. He doesn't care and has yet to tell me what he's changing his flight to. I feel like I'm tested and Bc I know hes trying to push me away (hes told me many times). I'm so paranoid to make the wrong decision. I know what I want and that's to be with him and to have a life together....I want to be strong for him, I need to be strong for him.

Okay guess I should stop rambling. I haven't talked to anyone about this in a few weeks and I feel like today was The day that I just came undone.

Ive given him a list/details of all the 'events', laid it all out but what he wants is a feeking from me. He wants to understand the why.

This also has happened to me. I gave my BH a detailed list of all the events but I could not give him my reasons of why. I didn't even know myself. Only through IC I have come to realise why I could not answer this question of "why" for my BH. I was looking for "fatherly-like" attention from my APs because I was emotionally neglected when I was young. Also my ability to share my feelings with my BH was non existent and this was also connected to my neglect during my youth. I was protecting myself and this was a childhood defence mechanism that I had to come to realise and start to change in order to recover with my BH. I am only starting to change now and be more open about my feelings with BH now that I realise the reasons why I did it myself. A lot of the choices we make in life are ingrained in us from our childhoods. Perhaps you must look deeper into why you sought out an A instead of talking to your BH about your feelings. Are you in some kind of IC? I can only speak from my experience but maybe IC can be helpful for you too.

A good book to read is "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller. She writes about how to discover your lost feelings and repressed emotions. The book helped me tremendously.

Don't feel defeated but take it as a challenge to repair your relationship with your BH. You can be strong and with a lot of work and faith the 2 steps forward, 4 steps back will become less frequent. I wish you both the best.

Thanks for your reply. when you didnt have an answer or needed to think abiut soemthing what words worked for you? When i say i need to think he thinks im trying to come up with a story. When i say im not sure he attacks my intelligence (and my looks).

I've been in IC up until we left for Europe. We've done one MC session and wanted to go back but now he will be traveling for work again and not sure how MC would fit in.

I feel so dumb for working against him. for not seeing that he was working for us and wasn't. I cant believe I was that person. Is it wrong to be thankful that this all came out? I wish I could change what I did but I cant. But I can change who I am and I know what I was doing isn't what I want. I have to be thankful for the chance to change - now I just need to figure that out. I just hope he will continue to be by My side. I know the choice is his but so much of me trusts him that I truly believe we can be better as a couple.

If your DDay is close to your registration date, you have to realize you are just started on this long road. Your BS is also really new to this. He is sorting through all of his emotions. Mistrust, anger, name calling are all really common at this early stage.

Always try to look at his actions through his eyes. You have crushed him. He doesn't know if every moment with you was dishonest. He has no idea if you are being honest now, or just covering up. He's trying to protect himself from another bomb. For some BS, that means striking out at you verbally. For most BS, that means not believing or trusting the WS. The only way that gets better is by showing him, over and over again, that you are worth his trust.

Your BS is testing you with the ring and other stuff. He is trying to grab some control over the relationship, and some control over what you have done to him. These tests might seem silly or even mean spirited. They are probably the only things he can come up with right now as he is reeling from DDay. If you want him, you have to stick in there.

Try to think of why he is doing what he is. Keep working on your self. Little by little, he'll see.

when my BS felt that I was no longer trying to control her, is the point when she stopped thinking that my pauses were more manipulations. Your BS probably feels that he is/was being controlled. you have to give up on that control.

You have to let him push away. that is a natural part of healing. if he pushes away and comes back, then that is great. but do not try and force him back. Again this is a control issue.

your BS said "he is changing his flight but what you do is up to you. but hasn't told you what he is changing it to." So what did you respond? Was it, "I am a victim here because you won't tell me what you are changing it to?" or "I have no desire to be away from you, whenever you want to go back to the US, I what to go with." a big difference in those statements. the first is "oh poor me, all about me" the second is "you matter, your time matters, how you feel matters"

the feelings you have put into your ring are a projection from inside you. so he has your ring. are you no longer married? the ring on your finger is a promise that he made to you. he is taking his promise back, because you broke it.

Here comes half a lumber yard full of 2x4's. Don't read this post if you don't want any 2x4's now.

First, just read your post. The word "I" appears most often. Thus, one may reasonably conclude, as your BH may have, that in your head this is all about you. Read around here. Its supposed to be all about him, not you.

Second, you made a scene about your wedding ring. See first comment. A wedding ring is hardly the biggest issue you two are facing. Think about it. What is he telling you by reclaiming that symbol of love and fidelity? He doesn't think you deserve it now. Think he has reason to feel that way? If so, tell him you understand, and apologize for your fit. If you trusted him.....well he trusted you and got burned. Why do you think he pulled this on you...he wants some pain inflicted on you for breach of trust.

Third, what do his plans to leave Europe early tell you? Maybe you love being there, but for some reason he's perfectly willing to leave alone and leave you there. OM in Europe? Too much triggering for him in Europe? Perhaps from dashed hopes for R in Europe? You don't tell us what you think or even if you want to return with him. You recognize you're being tested, but the answer should be obvious if you have genuine remorse for your A. Or maybe he's made up his mind that D is in the future and is returning home to start that process. I don't know, of course, but there are many signs here that he is separating from you.

When did A occur and where? What was D Day? Were you caught or did you confess? Did you TT him at any time?

Finally, you admit to feeling sorry for yourself. Think he doesn't feel sorrier for himself? He trusted you and was repaid by an A. In his mind at least you had some fun, and you certainly had the choice to A or not. Whether you understand and can articulate the "why" or not. He had no fun, just pain, and had no choice in the matter.