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Do you find it difficult to make long term plans with your WS? Last night WW asked me a question about the cruise we're taking in December, and that lead to talking about an Alaskan cruise which is something she's always wanted to do. That got her fired up and we did a little looking at prices and such. Then she went into planning mode and figured up cost of a cruise + travel expenses, etc. She then hit on a plan for us to save over the next four years to afford to be able to take one for our 10 year anniversary. I know she was excited at the prospect and I liked the idea, but I just couldn't get excited about it because in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "If we're together that long." The same thing happens with some even shorter term plans we talk about. I really can't put my finger on what I think about it. I don't know if it's natural reticence because in a way everything about us (to me anyway) is still kind of up in the air, or if part of me is saying "Don't get too comfortable, we're not staying much longer."

I have a great deal of difficulty with this. We have just returned from a 2 week cruise in the Med and a further 2 weeks touring... my dream vacation - we booked it at a point in R when things were going great] but unfortunately, a year later, when we left for the cruise things were going anything but great We made the best of it, well we tried to, but to be honest it was quite stressful, difficult, awkward, sad.... Not the way a dream vacation is meant to be at all.

Now we are back, it's time to start planning our next vacation and I am vacillating, I just don't know whether to go ahead and plan something or to wait-and-see.

Wish I could offer some help, but all I can say is you are not alone...

..we've made plans each year for the past 5 years of R..

..and sadly faced the possible cancelling, thanks all to the 'rollercoaster' of emotions we deal with..

..somehow, we managed to pull our shit together and go on the trips, but it came real-close a couple of times!!

..sad, what this shit does to one's life..

smy

We still talk about long term plans: re-modeling the kitchen/bathroom, putting in a pool, a big trip to Europe for his 40th, repeat the honeymoon for our 10th... Those things I'm fine with, they are hopeful. They may or may not pan out, but in the mean time it's nice to imagine us happy again.

But then we talk about me cutting back to part time work so I can be with the kids more... I can't do it. I want so badly to be home more with them, but giving up my financial independence when I'm not confident we'll make it. I just can't. Despite wanting it so badly. I could kill him for taking that away from me.

We booked a trip for our anniversary weekend during the HB period. I have to admit I keep thinking something will happen and we will not be together at that time It is only sa week away, and I keep imagining another dday that kills the marriage first. I keep thinking about canvelling it. But I figure I need to have some kind of faith or this R won't work at all.

Do you feel like your W is remorseful and is doing everything she can to get to why she did this and make you feel safe?

I'm more in limbo than R, but yes.

In particular I am loathe to spend money on our home, major purchases, etc. But beyond that, something like dreaming of a big trip is so far off my radar.

When your dream of a life of building, growing, and openness with each other, with full commitment, is destroyed, it's challenging to pretend long-term life plans have the same meaning.

Yes very much so. We're currently at a lake home I booked in January. I waited til the last minute to pay the bill and hubby asked why. I said I still feel up in the air about us. He said he completely understood.

That said, any major purchase, trip, etc can be dealt with if we split. Ppl do it all the time. I just decided to live like we're going to be together forever.

Yeah, it's tough. In some ways those things show that you both want to keep working at it, and find a way to stay together. It's just a matter of if it can actually happen. I just figured a couple grand here or there wasn't going to make a difference if I had to cancel or not go on a planned trip.

WH here --

My BW has this. Big stuff, too, not just vacations. She is super stressed at her job, and wishes she could downshift a bit. But she said to me that she's not sure that I won't leave, or that we will make it, so she cannot give up her good job.

It's yet another horrible thing that I have done. I think those fears are getting less and less, but they are still there.

But I figure I need to have some kind of faith or this R won't work at all.

Yep. That's pretty much my attitude too despite how hard it is to maintain that faith every day. We are starting to talk again about moving to a new home, something we put on hold after DDay. Contemplating a long-term future together brings up a mix of terror and elation for me.

I struggle here as well. Just after DDay we planned an alone vacation and I kept saying, "If we're still together." We ended up having a great time and it was good for us to get away without kids...both for fun and some progress in healing and discussions.

WH keeps encouraging me to book additional vacations (one already booked and wanting me to look for more). I think he knows that the financial commitment would be hard for me to walk away from in addition to just seeing that I need to "get away".

I wonder how long these thoughts of "if we are together" go on. Even though we are both committed to R, it hasn't stopped the "what ifs".

Not anymore, but it took til this year to do that. All out other plans I bought trip insurance, just in case.

Last cruise we didn't bother & we booked another cruise onboard.