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Was it a legitimate apology? Or was it more like "I'm sorry for doing the best I could. I'm sorry for trying to raise you better."?

What is your relationship with your parents like now?

How do you feel about yourself?

I just wanted to play outside by myself in my own little world.

This is the start of escapism.

My dad told me I was lazy and stupid.

Doesn't really sound like the loving parents you were talking about earlier.

The point of this isn't to blame your dad. The point of this is to understand how this encroached on your boundaries as a child. A parent that doesn't see a child for who they are but rather as an extension of themselves is not allowed to have those boundaries and therefore has trouble developing them as an adult. There is a reason you have trouble saying no, I am simply trying to help you see why.

The good thing is, this can be changed. When you begin to understand what happened and why, you can start to change the tapes in your head that have led to these coping skills.

You may have felt as if you didn't have choices growing up or rights. As an adult, you do. It is a process learning how to assert those rights. You can get there.

exactly what Tired has said.

This is not to assign the blame, but to understand why you are the way you are. Once you can identify these root causes, then you can change them. then you can find out where to start.

tired girl,

Definitely this:

"You may have felt as if you didn't have choices growing up or rights." I really struggle right with taking charge. It feels that in my adult life, I have just let things happen to me, rather than working towards something i actually wanted.

Aubrie, I think it was a sincere apology. My dad was a WS (ha!), and pretty much lost everything. I am extremely close with both of my parents and rely on them a lot for emotional support. They know about my affair and they are both very supportive of my husband and myself.

How do I feel about myself? Deep down inside I feel like I'm not good enough.

Dr. Jekyll, I am a true escapist. I live in my own head a lot. I love books, movies, history. I spend a lot of time daydreaming. While my dad did a number on me, he did the best he could with the resources he had. Both of my parents are very loving now.

Oh, I know it's not about blaming my dad, but rewinding the tape and creating a new internal dialogue. My poor dad has been beaten up the last 10 years or so. As we talk about this, I can feel a little anger rise up in me against my dad, and I have already gone through this with him. I'm defending him more for myself, so that I don't lash out at him for things he can't change.

I understand that these are things that I can change, though. It does help to go backward and see where it all started. I really appreciate you all of your digging and asking the questions. It makes me think. I have a four year old daughter, and it helps to think about these things in regard to the way I interact with her as well.

It is great that your father apologized and you felt it was real.

The problem is that most of our mal-adaptive defense mechanisms are formed in the first 5 years of life. So even with your relationship repaired (to a point) the damage is still done.

How much time do you have for reading? My BS and I spend a lot of time reading together. It helps us to gain understanding for the different childhoods.

Read that book. It will feel like someone has put your life down in print.

Dr. Jekyll,

I don't get the time to read as much as I would like, at least lately. My free time in the evenings has been devoted to my husband. We have been talking a lot, more than we ever have in our 13 years together. I feel funny turning my back to him to read a book.

We are both reading "Not Just Friends," and underlining and marking it and leaving each other questions and messages throughout the chapters.

I do a little reading and journaling in the morning before getting ready for work.

Do you (general you) wonder how true or real your perceptions are? As I look back at my childhood and I think about my parents' failings, I wonder how fair it is. I wonder if I am inflating the wrongs done to me, especially as I dig through my past to find the source of poor coping mechanisms. Here I am being wishy washy again, but I just want to know what is real.

tangledknot - I can relate to pretty much everything in this thread. I too believed and outwardly I had a normal childhood. I think it's easy to retreat within ourselves especially when our BS would be angry that we are looking to "find excuses" or "lay blame" for our actions. The truth is that we adopted patterns of behaviour and ways of escaping and not dealing with emotions and feelings and not recognizing this because of our environments and insecurities.

How do I feel about myself? Deep down inside I feel like I'm not good enough.

^^This. Right here is exactly how I feel. I know for me it is overwhelming to look at re-working pretty well every aspect of my life, but I am trying to break it down into manageable chunks and deal with them one at a time.

My IC suggested I read "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown and I have found a lot of parallels and things to work with in it. Maybe it can help it deals a lot with the self shame that fosters the "I'm not good enough" mantra we have.

I am a true escapist. I live in my own head a lot. I love books, movies, history. I spend a lot of time daydreaming.

^^ Again, this. What I find helps is to get out of my head and write things down. Positive and negative. One exercise I did was to write out as many positive embowering beliefs I could think of and as many negative or limiting beliefs that I have. It was eye opening to say the least. You might try it and see what happens for you.

tired girl - thank you again for your responses here. I find you have a gift of being able to hit on key issues and this has provoked a lot of thoughts within me as well.

DrJ - ditto.

We have been talking a lot, more than we ever have in our 13 years together

I get this, my BS and I used to talk about 10 hours a week. and now talk 16 hours a day.

I feel funny turning my back to him to read a book

and

We are both reading "Not Just Friends," and underlining and marking it and leaving each other questions and messages throughout the chapters.

What I meant earlier, was read out loud together. I understand the constraints work work, kids, groceries, chores, etc. I meant that it can be a good bonding time reading out loud together. Taking turns reading to each other.

Do you (general you) wonder how true or real your perceptions are? As I look back at my childhood and I think about my parents' failings, I wonder how fair it is

what does it matter how fair it is? if it is how you feel and what your perceived memories are. then true or not. It affects you. That is like not feeling it is fair for somebody whose house was broken into to be upset because the burglar doesn't feel the same about it.

Do you (general you) wonder how true or real your perceptions are?

Something that helped me was this thought:

"Our perceptions of reality are what drive our fears, not reality itself"

I realized that my perception of what my BS was saying or meaning or feeling was skewed by my faulty beliefs and perceptions about myself. This may not be true for you, but I wrestled with this for some time, but once I started really seeing the way I thought and approached or avoided things really changed things for me. I project so much onto my BS based on my faulty beliefs and perceptions it, well, it just f@!ks everything right up.

As an afterthought - your original post rang true for me. To me it said you are attaching your self worth to the acceptance of others. I have done this my whole life - My IC attributed me to be like a chameleon. In working through my piles of crap I realized that he's right. I manipulated myself to be accepted validated to feel worthy instead of owning my self worth and being who I am and want to be. Sorry if this is a t/j but it felt like it fit.

I wrote down the titles and authors suggested in this thread and I will make it a priority to read them.

I just want to thank you all so much for all of your input. This has been very helpful. I truly appreciate the introspection and wisdom in this forum.

[This message edited by tangledknot at 3:16 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

I hope that the book can offer you some insight that will help you further. I know that it helped me quite a bit.

This is not a journey about what a horrible job our parents did, it is about how these coping skills were formed so we can change them. There is no guilt in understanding who we are.

A suggestion...

I'm reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough right now. And while everything in the book is striking nerves, I found myself hung up on labels.

Let the labels go. Don't let that turn you off. If you are having reactions to the book, it's because the behaviors feel familiar to you. It's scary. Believe me. I'm inching my way thru this. But it's helping too.

I triggered when I read this thread. You could be my sister.

(((((Tangledknot)))))

I wish you healing.

i.e My mother is NPD, and at first I was very angry. but her narcissism was due to her childhood wounding. And I looked at my grandmother and the stories that my mother had told me. And could see my grandmothers narcissism. so then where did it start for my grandmother? she was an immigrant that landed here at 2yo just at the start of the great depression. So for me I get it. It was not hatred. I just recognize the lineage of brokenness. I hope that makes sense.

Dr.J, I cannot WAIT for acceptance and sense of peace. Right now I'm still in the "F-U for hurting me when you should have loved me" phase.

Sorry for the mini t/j.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 3:01 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

I love genealogy, because I think it helps us understand who we are. There is a verse in the bible that roughly says the sins of our fathers are cast down through the generations, and it is so true. What our ancestors did has a huge impact on who we are today.

aubrie

I cannot WAIT for acceptance and sense of peace.

I have not made it to full acceptance yet. Just starting to have understanding.