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J121 (original poster new member #43928) posted at 7:48 PM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014
I don't even understand myself. Why, after all he has done and continues to do, after all the lies, betrayal, deceit and hurt, do I still cry when I am alone and say over and over "I don't WANT to get divorced! I love him so much!"
Is there something wrong with me? Am I really that pathetic or am I just so in love?
I don't even know myself anymore.
TheIrishGirl ( member #43496) posted at 7:54 PM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014
Nobody wants to be divorced. Nobody wants to hurt like a BS does. Is it that you don't want to be divorced, or that you want to be married to him? Figure that one out and you'll have a pretty good answer for yourself.
Also, you're never here than I am. You don't need an answer yet. I don't want to be divorced. What I'm not sure of yet, is if being with him is preferable. So I told him on DDay that I'm not making a decision yet. I will spend this year trying to heal myself, trying to get a handle on how he is changing, and deciding not to decide for now. In the mean time, we are 'together' because I'm not sure how else to work on us and determine if it's worth fighting for.
Me: 33, BW Him: 40, fWH
Together 11y, married 8
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email
Working on R, and it's working
justme1264 ( member #42890) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014
(((j121)))
Divorce is freaking scary, difficult, exhausting, and plain horrible.
The best advice I can give you is to get IC if you have not already. You will find the answers and yourself again only by taking care of number one.
I am too early in my own process to give you any other real answers. Just know you are not alone.
NeverAgain2013 ( member #38121) posted at 8:01 PM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014
J121, you're grieving the marriage you thought you had; the marriage you thought you would always have back when you first got married.
And you're grieving the loss of the man you thought your husband was (not who he turned out to be).
And lastly, you're grieving the loss of the dream of a lifetime of happiness together.
Some say that in essence, it's like grieving a death and in a way, it is.
Be well.
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.
lieshurt ( member #14003) posted at 8:13 PM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014
Change can be overwhelming and the unknown can be terrifying. I should have divorced much sooner than I did, but I just couldn't emotionally handle it. What I realized afterward is that it wasn't about love. I didn't do it before because I was scared. How was I going to be a mother all by myself? How was I going to do everything without any help?
What I eventually realized was that I already was doing almost everything without his help. He wasn't the safety net I thought he was. Instead, he was the one causing me all of the grief, pain and stress that I had in my life.
I've been divorced for 11 years now. Things haven't been bad at all. I've managed just fine without my ex. You can too.
No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.
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