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Kiki,

perhaps mistakes are unavoidable, carefully thinking what I say might hurt my wife is not. This this is where I am going to concentrate and work hard. When I was in my affairs, I didn't really care about anyone but myself, didn't think it could ruin my children's future, devastate me wife anything. I need to work on the "thought"

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 7:44 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Oh forgot to mention. A date to Home Depot? You can do better than that.

LyM. intend to do just that.

It is extremely mportant to myy wife to see that I think before I act. She has stressed this, & I agree with her. So accepting things as "screw ups"is hard right now. I can do better, I need to do better.

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 12:22 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

<<<tries to be funny>>> The OW's name is the same as a common household pet. So we can't even walk down the pet food aisle without seeing it. How do I get past THAT??

OW and I have the same name. It was and has been incredibly difficult, painful and awkward. I now ask people to call me a derivative of the name, one that my father used to call me sometimes.

Maybe your BS, like myself, is always looking for signs of remorse and healing. Hearing you say OW's name is painful. Even though you did not do it on purpose, if you tried to explain what you had done rather than immediately expressing your deep regret for subjecting her to more pain, that could have made the situation worse. Always imagine how your BS must be feeling in those kinds of situations, respond immediately to her pain and hurt, before your explanations roll out of your mouth.

It's good that you are now more aware, now let your actions show her.

Apple, my H is guilty of inserting his foot into his mouth from time to time too and it does trigger me. It really is all about how you handle it afterward. Recognizing what you said immediately and addressing it is usually the right way forward. Validating her feelings and showing that you understand that you need to be more careful with her is good.

But another thing you could discuss is the new dynamics of your M. Whereas before, perhaps you were able to say anything, make a crude joke, or what have you, now you can't. To me, it's really sad that my H has to censor himself with some seemingly benign comments because they are triggers for me, but that's the legacy of an A. It might be a good idea to apologize to her for bringing about this new reality and could be an opportunity for you to grieve over the loss of innocence in your M together.

Apple,

I had someone purposely mention OW's name just to throw her in my face. Ouch. That is different than accidently saying her name. Though I'm glad you acknowledged that you need to work on thinking before speaking. It's good to hear that you are working hard to prevent this from happening again and actively discussing this with your wife. One day at a time. Keep being the best you, you can be. Keep supporting your W and talking through things. Keep working on R. You sound focused.

The thing about being a former wayward is that every action should be with intent . Intent to be protective of your BS .,,

Rachel'c

I agree that every action should be with intent to protect and be safe.

I definitely have to think before I speak. She doesn't deserve any more pain.

Thank you jo2love.

I am focused. Hurting betrayed spouse on accident is still hurting her.

JLyn1128, I agree. My husband says he hardly ever thinks about here and when I bring up the A or her, he's taken aback and has to jump back in memory. Getting him to understand that it is on my mind 24/7 has been our most difficult challenge.

In addition, OWs names is one of the most popular names in our part of the country for our age range...so we probably have 15-20 friends with that name. Any time I actually "speak" her name, he says, "who"?...like I would actually be referring to someone else. It's mind boggling.

However, Apple3point14, I can really understand that this was an innocent mistake and even as a BW I would have taken that way. I think we have BWs have to remember to show some grace for stupidity somes times. I applaud your mentality to protect your wife.

Veronique, I knew the dynamics of our marriage has changed, but it recently sunk in to a deeper understanding.. Much of my problem in our R has been me thinking in old marriage dynamics and not respecting that it is new..

Mind body. My wife is looking for remorse, but more so forethought, understanding that I'm aware my actions matter.

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 6:53 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Peace be mine.

This was certainly understand. Perhaps innocent but I had a history of speaking before I think it through, ADHD style, I think it's a good thing for me to work on this.

<<<tries to be funny>>> The OW's name is the same as a common household pet. So we can't even walk down the pet food aisle without seeing it. How do I get past THAT??

Umm... rename her bearded dragon? You still may trigger in a pet store but at least you can get a laugh out of it.

Apple, I didn't read all the responses so maybe saying the same thing. I just wanted you to know I think this was totally an accident and we both know you will never be reading names on cups or anything else again.

You know, we are human, and we make tons of mistakes, like me writing on SI half the time, but I do it anyway. You may be like my FWH. He talks a lot. It's just his personality. And it would be just like him to do exactly what you did - he wouldn't mean it at all, it is just what he would do. Me? I would never read names out loud while waiting in line or whatever, but him? his personality is to read names out loud in line or whatever. We are different people, aside from the cheating stuff, we are so opposite in so many things.

If she gets stuck on this, it just shows how sensitive BS's are. We hurt a lot and a name can dig deeply. It sucks but it's part of the consequences, but she should never bring this up either. It was a mistake, unlike the cheating, this was a simple mistake. If you had never cheated, you would have done the same thing. Tell her that if she brings it up -and ask her not to bring it up again - to talk about real issues. She should be talking about the affair, not a silly mistake that you would have done pre-affair.

[This message edited by mychild at 9:16 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Apple, I think you are being too hard on yourself. The name of my H's OW is a common word, and my H utters the word all the time, never thinking about the connection to her or what it does to me. Although it still makes me cringe (and it's been many years now), I've come to realize that he truly says it without it even registering as her name. And that is a good thing. She is history in his mind, even if not in mine.

If you harp on it, she make think you're obsessing about the OW.

Are you sure you are not?

Lynnm,

I am pretty sure.

I never think of O.W

Apple3point14

I am pretty sure.

I never think of O.W

My WH says this too. I think this is very hard for BSs to believe. So, from one BS to a WH, is this actually true? (I'm not accusing, just trying to understand how it is possible.) Is this a conscious effort to remove her from your mind or do you just "forget" that part of your history? I hope that makes sense. I wish someone could teach me some of those forgetting skills.