SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Listen to BadHurt. He was right about my STBXWW EVERY step of the way. I've got his boot prints all over my ass and I've thanked him repeatedly for it.

Must agree with Badhurt; you really do need to find out if it was just a kiss or full sex. If you don't it will eat you alive; did she or didn't she; how many times; was he better, etc.

Can't determine your future actions without the truth.

Coach, your story is very stereotypical. If you look around on this forum, I'm sure you will find many similar. You haven't posted enough details to really say why she did what she did, but based on similar situations it comes down to this, which I see others have already suggested:

Many times, if not most, it's not about looks. It's not about sex. It's about her feeling sexually desired. I don't think you can underestimate how important "getting attention" and "being desired" is to many women. This guy probably pursued her, maybe started with a comment about how lucky THE COACH is to "have such a FINE wife," said semi-jokingly, and she may have made a comment back that "at least SOMEONE notices me, my husband certainly doesn't." That's the opening, where she then starts complaining about all of your faults, and then he complains about his wife. This type of talk between the two of them may go back several years, with her never acting on it before. As I posted here previously, these things usually don't just start up on a dime, and neither do they stop on a dime.

Anyway, when he talks to her, it is EXCLUSIVELY 100% ABOUT HER, how sexy she is, how much better he would treat her than you, how hot he is for her, how he is willing to risk everything for her, how you don't deserve her - you get the idea. When you talk to her, it is once in a while about how sexy she is, but mostly it's about budgeting for a big purchase you have to make, who's going to take which kid to which activity, how the kids are doing in school, who's going to do what chore. You've been married a long time, you are partners, you are best friends, but you are no longer pursuing her like you did when you first met her and wanted to bag her. He gave her that, and she jumped at it. The guy still has nothing on you except that HE's NEW and your wife is WEAK.

If this is stereotypical, as I suspect, this has been going on a lot longer, deeper and more physical than you are aware of. And they may still be in contact.

Listen, all of what I'm posting here could be wildly wrong, but this much I'm pretty sure of. She's not giving you the truth, at least not the full truth. Like you said, her story doesn't make sense, and when a story doesn't make any sense, it usually is a lie.

Coach

You really have to get the truth to enable you to move on. When I caught my WS she claimed it was the first time she was planning to do anything (he moved so she would have to travel). The act was so brazen my gut told me this was wrong....and so wrong it was.

This had been going on for 6 years! I know you are thinking I must be an idiot...but I am far from it. Like everyone else I trusted my WS like I should be able to.

Yes, you will ask why him and compare yourself (my beautiful WS picked a guy who looks like a mugger and he eventually tried to steal money from her)...but theze details are not important. Neither are the details about exactly what they did during their days together. The fine details are really not helpful(some of these just make the images in your head worse...trust me).

What you need to know at the overall view and the details you are comfortable with....and you need to find out what she got from the A (why it benefited her) if you ever want to fix. I am still working on this second part......

As for the story....doing this with the kids around is too brazen...my hunch it was not the first time. My guess is also you are still only getting the tip of the iceberg....

I did not get truth for some time (had to actually ask for divorce eventually and was willing to do it too)/ and have all my research and evidence ready for the discussion. Holding details back to verify the story.

I know it is hard...but be strong.

Remember this: we can not MAKE someone else love us.

Coach

You really have to get the truth to enable you to move on. When I caught my WS she claimed it was the first time she was planning to do anything (he moved so she would have to travel). The act was so brazen my gut told me this was wrong....and so wrong it was.

This had been going on for 6 years! I know you are thinking I must be an idiot...but I am far from it. Like everyone else I trusted my WS like I should be able to.

Yes, you will ask why him and compare yourself (my beautiful WS picked a guy who looks like a mugger and he eventually tried to steal money from her)...but theze details are not important. Neither are the details about exactly what they did during their days together. The fine details are really not helpful(some of these just make the images in your head worse...trust me).

What you need to know at the overall view and the details you are comfortable with....and you need to find out what she got from the A (why it benefited her) if you ever want to fix. I am still working on this second part......

As for the story....doing this with the kids around is too brazen...my hunch it was not the first time. My guess is also you are still only getting the tip of the iceberg....

I did not get truth for some time (had to actually ask for divorce eventually and was willing to do it too)/ and have all my research and evidence ready for the discussion. Holding details back to verify the story.

I know it is hard...but be strong.

Remember this: we can not MAKE someone else love us.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 5:16 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 5:18 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

A good next step for you would be to contact the other man's wife and let her know what went on. Be gentle and direct. "Hi, this is coach, my wife has confessed that she and your husband had a two-week-long sexting relationship but I looked at the phone bill and it looks like it went on for about a month. My wife said she didn't have sex with him but only kissed a few times and it only stopped because she put an end to it when he touched her breast. I'm sorry, but I feel you deserve to know. That's all I found out so far, but if I find out more, do you want me to let you know?"

As for the story....doing this with the kids around is too brazen...my hunch it was not the first time. My guess is also you are still only getting the tip of the iceberg....

Looks like this to me, too.

From my perspective as a woman, I agree witht he above. Think about it...whatever they were doing, they were obviously very comfortable to engage with the children so close by. No way this just happened and this was the first time. Keep digging until you get the truth. Don't let up and don't let her tears, anger, blameshifting, etc. deter you. Cheaters are liars and in general, their first thought is "Oh shit, I need to cover my ass". If that means lying even more, they will do it and they don't care about the consequences.

Coach, your WW is more afraid to lose the marriage than you are. Be the alpha at home and take control back. Demand transparency. Demands to see her phone and the text messages. She isn't going anywhere. The minute the OM's wife finds out, he'll throw your wife under the bus and blame the A on her.

Not once can I remember a similar story on SI (cheaters handbook std SOP) concerning a cheating wife, that did not lead to a hell of a lot more than was first told. I know it sure did in my situation where my POS ex said "I like someone, but we didn't even hold hands"... Yeah, told the day before a "sleep over" with the other POS at a Holiday Inn express. Cheaters by their very nature are liars, some without any empathy, and I'd bet you know but a tip of the situation.

She seems to be very very remorseful and says all the time that she is sorry and that it was the biggest and dumbest mistake of her life .

Bullshit. Buying brown eggs when you wanted white is a mistake; she made a very deliberate, selfish, cowardly, dishonorable choice, and NEVER let her, or some potential quack therapist tell you otherwise, never. Good luck, and know how you feel now will change, even many times in a single day.

Coach

You are going to realize in time that your wife's affair has very little to do with you.

It sucks but it is true.

Sure the OM does not compare to you. Your wife affaired down. It is very common that the wayward spouse's do this.

Only your wife can figure out the why my man.

But you do need to take control of you.

Stop accepting her lies. Call her out on her nonsense. She is in preservation mode now. She does not want you to find out just how much she has acted out with the OM.

Get his wife involved.

Take control of the finances as well.

Because your wife very obviously has her head up her butt.

Keep posting.

HM

I know some people might say that I'm just being spiteful about the other man , but I'm just confused , Do you ever get your self esteem back ?

99.9% of the time, an affair is not about the BH. And many times it is not about the sex, it is about something new, something of her own and outside validation.

This could be due to her having low self esteem.

The situation is controlling you right now, because your life has been turned upside down, and you didnt do a damn thing to cause it.

Some people need to know the entire truth, every detail while other people only need the big facts.

Coach

You can see by the responses no one here believes that there is not a LOT more going on than you know. You wife and this neighbor are most likely in an ongoing affair and your wife's behavior is putting up a bad red flag. When you catch your kids doing something wrong they try to change the subject. That is exactly what all the sudden affection to you is.

You have three clear choices "

(1) Do nothing and hope she is telling you the truth.

(2) Go into major snoop mode with VAR and GPS. This will be mentally exhausting and you will constantly feel like you do now wondering what is going on

(3) CONFRoNT in a major way

You MUST tell the other wife NOW. They probably already have made up a story for her since you did not do this right away . Doesn't matter. Do it tomorrow !!!! And do not tell her you are doing it!

Tell you wife she has one last chance to tell you the truth. Get all the text history from her cell phone from your provider. Tell her flat out you do NOT believe her and ask her to take a lie detector test even if you would not follow through. Her reaction will give you all the answers you need. If she has nothing to hide, she will gladly say yes. If she refuses you have your answer. DoNOT accept any crap like"Don't you trust me"?

She has no credibility at this point . Do not forget that

We all understand how difficult this is. No man likes to ask for help.because his wife is banging someone else. LISTEN to the people here and you can get to the bottom of this.

Right now forget about any books or any other crap. You need strong decisive action that shakes her core or you will get lied to some more and hurt like you cannot believe

I believe this just kissed stuff is crap and you have uncovered a full affair.

Only you can take the action to find out for sure but again no one here believes your wife. I hope you do not get paralyzed I to inaction by fear or hurt.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 10:58 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

Ok , so I'm going to try to recover her deleted texts today . I'm going to use : recovery-iphone.com . Has anyone used this before and did it work . Again thank you bad !!!!! I'm not taking any offense by this I need the help friends !!

I have not used it personally but there are plenty of other stories here where some, not all, of the texts/emails were retrieved.

Brace yourself for the worst. You may find some very devastating information.

Let us know how you make out. We are here for you.

Before you run it, did you ask her for one last chance to tell you the truth?

yop

Coach

You need a VAR on her car and GPS. But most of all you need pressure on her to confess. That is going to be easier than all the setting up of snooping and in the meantime I am sure they are most likely "cooling it" while the heat is on.

You cannot let the worry about neighborhood tranquility force you into allowing this to go on

TELL the other wife what you believe is going on . You need to do this

For all you techies out there. Help coach on what to do on the on the phone recovery. I have the tech ability of a four year old.

Coach, your best opportunity to find out the truth and make your decision is not to sit back in passive mode and either let it continue underground or rug swept. Your highly sexed wife has been having it with someone and she gave you the reasons disguised as excuses .

Be prepared for much worse. If we are wrong here, you will be pleasantly surprised. I hope we are wrong

Coach, one thing to keep in mind is that most affairs are fantasy worlds, phoney worlds and most of what is said during an affair is fantasy and lies. All part of the fog.

That doesn't help the hurt any, but realize this when you start to think that you are talking to your wife and listening or reading the past. You will start to wonder if you are talking to two different people.

Might of missed it, but did you tell the other betrayed spouse?

The "why" most likely for woman like her and some others that I have seen that have it all and still cheat. They will never be satisfied with just one person. They need all eyes on them because they are so broken. No self-esteem and no self-confidence. The only way they get it is by having anyone and everyone give it to them. They will never get enough and be full.

She needs serious IC. Skip the MC till she starts to change. You will become aware now of how selfish and in control she has always been. How she has always needed to be the center of attention everywhere.