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Its safe to say I feel like a huge failure as a mother right now. ..as well as a wife.

DD was having a rough morning and giving BH attitude today...something that has become a trend. She is usually good for me during the week but we have noticed she is different when BH is home...she talks back to him and is rude.

BH ran to do an errand and I tried to talk to DD about why she doesn't listen to daddy and is sometimes mean....basically she said that I am mean to daddy when we argue and I dont do anything with him which is why she doesn't. She just wants me to play with her but says i never do.

Though I was trying to not to, I couldn't help but cry as she was telling me this. ...am I really passing this on to my poor DD? How awful, I feel so sick to my stomach and ashamed of myself. I have ended my A, but am still hurting my family.

Do you argue in front of your child?

My dear friend is a BS. Her husband was abusive to her. Mentally and emotionally. He would say vicious things to her, fight, etc. She noticed their child was changing. She started acting out. Directly towards my friend. She would scream at her and say horrible things. Just being really bratty. My friend asked her, "Why are you doing this to me?" The little girl responded, "Because I'm trying to love you like Daddy loves you."

Children are perceptive. They can feel anger and resentment, the same as love and joy.

You are angry at your husband because you are alone. You resent his job. You resent the uneven playing field. Your daughter is picking up on that.

Hurting our family goes so much deeper than cheating or not cheating. We can hurt out children every day with our anger, our negligence, our selfishness, our resentments, our depression. The whole kit and caboodle.

The whole term "becoming healthy" isn't about cheating. It's about finding and fixing all the faulty. Our bad behaviors. Our stinking thinking. That's why everyone says, getting healthy is life changing. Because literally everything changes.

Looks like you have some things to work on. You can do it.

We try not to...sometimes we have minor arguments or bicker in front of her. We usually try to go to the other room or wait though.

But im not trying to be angry or resentful. Logically I kmew the crappy hours we likely to happen. And I know he has no control over it.

I don't want to be an angry resentful wife. I want to be a happy loving great wife and mother.

Hi, no stop sign

Can I suggest you read the following two books that have helped me immensely to cope with my FOO issues?

1. Toxic parents by Susan Forward. I think there's an online PDF file available for free if you google it. It will help you to gain perspective of how parents can negatively influence their kids and, once you know that, you know what to work to avoid.

2. Families and how to survive them by Skynner. It's a great elementary psychology book, very nicely written (co-written by John Cleese, one of the funniest people in existence).

///

Also, I encourage you to read books about the best approaches to upbringing children.

Also, if you have any funds whatsoever, try to set up at least 1x/month family/therapy counselling sessions for your daughter, I think it would help tremendeously. Furthermore, maybe if you contact her caretakers in kindergarten, they can help you with info about her behaviour there etc.

Best wishes, and don't give up! I know my parents, while they f-ed up a lot when I was young, they could have helped me massively if they got their act together sooner. So she's only 5y/o, you have so much time left to make sure you raise her to become a healthy, positive person! So don't worry too much, and be there for her 24/7, and it will be great!

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 1:59 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Kids are perceptive to a level that is almost creepy.

This may sound stupid and I apologize. In a Stephen King novel I read, a quote stated that perception and our ability to speak of it diminishes as we age. As children we are given passes for loudly voicing our observations. As adults it's seen as uncouth and judgmental and we should never judge.

It's hard not to fight in front of the kids. I heard many arguments as a kid through the walls. I think good parents do their best to keep that stuff under wraps but it's challenging. Kids have a way of eavesdropping, sneaking around, or walls are just thin.

Talk to her. She's figuring this stuff out, it's part of growing up. Don't beat yourself up, this is the reality and all of you need to live in it. Could you have done things differently? Of course. That is neither here nor there so kicking yourself in the butt does favors for no one.

Focus on the positive changes and revelations you've made. Integrate those changes into talking with your DD.

I know that kids pick up on our attitudes. But they also just go through stages like that even in the best of times. There have been plenty of times when my DS or DD have wanted one parent almost exclusively.

Take the advice above. But also realize it isn't permanent.

Hobbes,

Thank you for the book recommendations I will definitely check them out....the title Toxic Parents made me cringe cuz I don't think I am toxic...but I will still read it.

We never have real arguments in front of her...we have never discussed the A or anything serious like that....but she hears the little things...arguing about doing housework, things like that.

The thing is I do play with her as much as I can...but it's hard to do when I have other things that also need to be done. If she had her way I would play with her 24/7.

I understand what she means about me not doing things w BH though....the two of them spend Wednesdays together and will usually run errands or go hiking, or do something with BH mother or father. And sometimes on weekends BH will bring her with him to his parents house and I will stay home and do housework. But it's very rare that the three of us do something together....we do try; today we all went out to breakfast and then took a walk.

For now, Alyssa, I think the most simple, potentially healing thing you can do is spend time together as a family. Usually, in those situations, there are few opportunities to discuss chores, to bicker, to argue. You can spend that more pleasant time focusing on your parenthood, on your teamwork to build a family. Your DD will see you enjoying your husband's presence, she will see him liking to be with both of you, and her attitude might improve drastically--not to mention your M might also improve. There is so much fault-finding and blame-placing in pre- and post-A marriages. It's imperative to spend time having fun together. It may not fix the M issues, but it'll surely help your DD to see the two of you more relaxed in each other's company. Good luck!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 5:30 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

I understand the failure as a mother feeling in this respect. DD was a little too young to understand why I was hurting the first year after DDay, but the next two were rife with tone and snark on my behalf that she would occasionally witness.

I remember her pointing her finger at Crazz and scowling and him and she scolded him for moving one of her toys and I realized that was exactly how I sounded when I was frustrated and pushed to the brink. She had picked all of that up in spades and was handing it back out and it broke my heart that she had learned to talk to her father like that. I discussed how important it was to speak kindly and respectfully to her father, and reminded myself of the same thing as the words were coming out of my mouth.

Your actions today and tomorrow count too. Just as some of our behaviors have sent the wrong message to our kids, we have the opportunity to to send the RIGHT message all day long.

It's good that you have been able to look inside and take responsibility for this. I think it's important for parents on any part of this spectrum to try and remember that their kids are observing and recording our every gesture and inflection.

Thank you for sharing this story. It is a welcome reminder to me.

Jrazz

thank you for your post. I found it helpful for a couple reasons.....the first is now I know I am not the only parent who has gone through this...this parenting thing is scary....I only want to do right for my child. But if it's something other parents do as well, than maybe im not the horrible person I feel like I am....just a person who makes mistakes.

I also appreciated your comment cuz you helped me to realize that while I have made mistakes its not too late to change....I can now be more aware of my words and actions and not repeat the same behaviors.

This is something I think I definitely need to discuss with BH more...we talked about it a little today with DD when BH came home, but I feel like I owe him another apology.

Just saw this.

I think that seeing parents have disagreements, or even respectful arguments, can actually be good for a child, provided they also see the resolution to those arguments as well. I believe that it shows the child that adults can argue and disagree and resolve their issues while acting like, um.....adults?

Name-calling or berating is not something you should do in front of a kid, but then again it's probably not something that should be done at all.

Just my .02.

Kids pick up on how the parents act. If they see it they will mimic it. Maybe talk to your kiddo and explain in a way to get the point across that arguing isn't right and respecting dad and mom is needed.

I'm so sorry. You are not a failure. She's five and you can help her. A counselor once told me "It's not the things you say, it's the things you don't say". She can understand that people argue and work things out. I've stressed this to my 2 younger children. My husband and I have also worked on our conversations and anger in front of them. We've also talked to our IC about what will help them and what we should tell them.

I try and spend time with my DD's and let them know they are safe. Be patient and kind to yourself, too.