SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After several years had gone by after our D, my exWW and I sat down and laid it out to each other for the first time.

My exWW's reasons:

1). Escapism: She wanted a break from our marriage...the bills, the mortgage, dirty dishes, house work, drudgery. The OM offered her a fantasy reprieve. With him she could enjoy all the excitement and romance of marriage without the real day to day problems.

2). Lust: He was a hunk. Good looking guy. Leaner and sexier than me and she wanted him. He rocked her world and I did not.

3). Me. She married me because I was safe and dependable, not because I rocked her world.

My reasons:

1). To gain back the sense of manhood and self esteem she stole from me. I wanted to show her I was not the nice guy she mistook me for...but I went overboard with it.

2). Revenge...the overwhelming need to punish her. No way was she going to disrespect me like that and not pay for it. I wanted her to know what it felt like, but 20x worse. But I only ended up hurting myself more.

3). Entitlement: I was entitled to cheat on her and make her feel the pain I was feeling.

ExWayward - Is there any benefit from telling someone they are not what you want? I mean that related to your exWW's third reason. I have thought a couple of times about what initially lead me to the A. I just lost interest in my husband in many ways (physically included). Is this something I share with him or not? I don't see it as something to talk to him about because it's just going to kill the little amount of self esteem he currently has - it's like hitting him when he's down. Right?

tangled knot,

Unfortunately your story sounds way too close to mine and I am sorry that you had to go through that. Big hugs. You are right in the fact that you should have demanded something different. I did and I still didn't get it. I even moved out. That still didn't change things. Sometimes our voices aren't heard because the dynamic in the marriage has become so toxic that literally only a really great MC and two very willing spouses, or something traumatic are going to fix it.

I can tell you that your M can be fixed, but the resentment you hold right now will get in the way of you truly wanting to fix yourself. Does your H see any of the issues that were in the M pre-A? It is very early on for him to recognize that right now. If you can, try to put the resentment on hold, or on the shelf. That was what I had to do, and I truly worked on the part of me that allowed me to do what I did.

SFN,

At what point in your M did you lose interest in your H?

I don't remember exactly when but it was around the time the EA started - I wish like hell I could remember if it was before or after. I know that would be a good key as to whether I actually lost interest in my BH or whether the AP just overtook me.

I am betting it was after. Which means it isn't about your H, but about you.

Ahhhhh....the truth is coming out. Is he fat? Did he let himself go?

No, I would not tell him if D is inevitable. No sense in humiliating him more.

I would imagine your husband is the classic "nice guy". When he failed to act when you first lied and told him about the EA, his refusal to stand up and hold you accountable smacked of a lack of desire on his part to fight for the marriage, and also showed that we was willing to roll over and let you and your OM have your fun behind his back with no consequences. He didn't fight for you, and as a result his sex rank went through the basement along with your desire for him.

Had your husband packed your bags, and driven you over to the OM's house and told him "here...she's yours, I can't stand the sight of her".... And then followed up with serving you D papers that same week, you probably would have developed a whole new respect for him, which would have translated into attraction.

tired girl - you're probably right

ExWW - that was powerful and I really found it helpful. He didn't let himself go or gain weight or anything, he's still as attractive as the day I met him, I just lost interest in it.

I know a major contribution was that I was also completely lost as far as my own identity went. I had 2 young kids, was a wife, and work full time. I completely lost my identity as a person. The A allowed me to get my "single" identity back and that was fun and freeing and exciting. It just didn't work well given the fact I was still a married mom and employee. It was the wrong way out.

My husband is unbelievably nice. Our counselor asked me more than once if I thought he was too nice and I have mixed feelings on that. I ultimately said yes because he's still with me and shouldn't be after what I did to him. I think what you said has some truth to it that I'm having trouble admitting. I did/do believe he'll never leave me - especially now that he's back on the fence about D after only 2 days. There are no real consequences from him for my actions, which is why I'm so afraid I'll do it again.

There are no real consequences from him for my actions, which is why I'm so afraid I'll do it again.

I'm not sure why this phrase bothers me, except maybe as a BS it once again places the blame in our laps. At some point in your life, you are going to need to do the right thing. Not because you will be punished for doing the "wrong" thing and not because you will be hailed for doing the right thing. Living an authentic life will change the way you see and feel about yourself.

I think you a doing a very good job of looking into the "why", just something for you to think about.

Why are you looking to your H to be your parent or your conscience? Do you not know the right thing from the wrong thing?

DrJekyll - you illustrating your progression of figuring out your whys like that really helps - thank you!!!!

I agree with this statement 100%. I am definitely going to try this.

ETA: It's been a year and a half since D-day and I still don't have a handle on my whys and my HOW - how I could have allowed myself to engage in such destructive behavior.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 2:07 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

I had a long conversation with my sister last night about our parents. Usually we blame my dad for everything, but I'm looking closer at my mom. She loves us so much, but damn if she did not expect perfection. Perfection as in being selfless and angelic and having a beautifully decorated, spotless home, and never ever sinning - no drinking, swearing, debauchery, yelling, fighting, or anything could make people think you are dysfunctional in any way.

My parents are pillars of their community and very respected, but I think it's telling that I and my siblings are so troubled. None of us have exactly been lighting the world on fire like one would expect with the perfect upbringing we had.

I think we grew up in the same house... Mom and Dad wanted me perfect. I think it was because my brothers were addicts and I was the last hope of the family.

My father was a pillar in the Church, known by everyone. I couldn't go out without running to someone who knew my mom and dad.

For some reason my quote button won't work.

StartingFrsh you told your counselor you felt your BH was too nice and should have held you accountable for your affair. I think this one of the core reasons who have never regained your attraction.

Why should you respect a man who allows you to abuse him this way?

Why would a woman be attracted to a man who would allow himself to be treated this way?

I'm not blaming your affair on your husband. You wanted the OM. Period. You wanted to have an affair and you went out and had one. But your husbands lack of action is one reason, I think, you trickle truthed for so long, and the main reason you have lost your respect for him.

[This message edited by ExWayward at 3:03 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

My husband never punished me or demanded anything. He isn't my conscience. The very act of cheating is not the "what they don't know" I tried to believe it was. I needed to change me for me not think some action or punishment on my husband's part would change that. I have no desire to "push him" as far as I can to see if he forgives me over and over again. Why would I want to hurt him that way? I al thankful for his second chance to me and plan to make it something he never regrets.

In some ways I don't know right from wrong. I think I grew up with cheating being somewhat normalized. I was never taught sex was something special and in past relationships I cheated and it was never a big deal (they weren't really serious to start out with so they didn't care if I was sleeping with other people - they probably were too for all I know). From TV and media I saw cheating happen all the time as a somewhat acceptable behavior. It happens all the time and a lot of the time nothing bad comes from it. I was raised by a single mom so a healthy relationship was never modeled to me.

Don't get me wrong, I do know that cheating is wrong or I wouldn't have hidden it, but I think I view cheating at a different level on the wrong chart than most people do.

It did sound like I was saying BH had some blame in my A because he didn't put a consequence on me and that's not quite what I meant. I meant it as the reason I did it again and broke the NC so many times, etc is partly because I didn't fear the consequence. If I believed he'd leave me, for real, I may not have broken the NC four times. I also agree with exWayward that this has created an issue for me in that I respect my BH less and am less attracted to him because of it.

We are a couple that never fights/argues. We have always avoided it to the point it is a problem. When all of this started I remember thinking I wish he would just fight with me instead of shut down whenever there's a disagreement. I think that shut down contributed to my loss of attraction to him - he wouldn't stand up and fight for what he thought/felt. He'd just get quiet and while I wouldn't necessarily lose, I also couldn't win when no one else was fighting.

Why would a woman be attracted to a man who would allow himself to be treated this way?

Short answer, they aren't usually.

You wanted the OM. Period. You wanted to have an affair and you went out and had one. But your husbands lack of action is one reason, I think, you trickle truthed for so long, and

I think you hit the nail on the head that you wanted the excitement that being single brings. At times, it sucks to be married and to live life. Bills, kids, working can be a real drain on your mental well being. My XWW never understood this. Life isn't all full of roses, constant excitement and passionate sex. Wish to hell it was but it isn't!

You know what? If you were to be with the AP full time, same DAMN thing would happen with that relationship as well. Why? The fantasy wears off in the face of reality. AP puts his pants on the same way as BH one leg at time. AP smells just as bad your BH, and has just as many if not more faults than your BH. AP is not god or the greatest lover on the planet. That's the chemicals in your brain talking.

Somewhere along the way, you lost respect for your BH. That in my opinion is why you told yourself it was ok to cheat and destroy your marriage. I too am a really nice guy and I constantly fear that my wife will lose respect for me and will stray. I'm not the strong suave type. I'm not a player. I treat women with respect, kindness and dignity. If that makes we a wuss, then so be it! I give my wife and our relationship my best every day. If it is not good enough for her, she is free to leave.

You owe it to yourself and your husband to either commit to repairing and rebuilding your marriage or to get the fuck out. There is no fence sitting here. You are right, your husband is the nice guy and not wanting to be the bad guy. It is extremely difficult for him to be in that role. But be forewarned, even us nice guys finally have enough and say "FUCK YOU" and move on. If you continue to disrespect him, don't be surprised if you come home one day and your bags are packed.

FWIW my EX had my shoe print squarely tattooed on her ever expanding ass after I kicked her sorry butt to the curb.

[This message edited by FrmrBH80124 at 4:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

I'm not running away from this post but I am headed home (to talk with my BH) and probably won't be back until tomorrow afternoon or maybe even Mon or Tue. I appreciate all of your input and advice and thoughts. Thank you!