SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh no, no, no. I'm not suggesting she give away her identity here. If she wants to remain anonymous that's totally up to her.

*sigh* Many times when both spouses are on SI, people will PM the other partner in the relationship, be it male female, to say "Yo, I'm sending them some info, insight, blah blah, whatever." It's a courtesy. It's making the other partner aware. It's protecting both relationships. Some folks have issues with their spouses getting PMs from opposite sex members. That's it. Don't over think it.

Ok. Back on track.

Guess what the real question is, how much do you anticipate attention, how much do you plan out your appearance/performance to get admiration? Is what you do something you genuinely enjoy because of the sport/hobby itself? Or is it balled into the fact you get attention and praise?

I used to do things specifically to get attention. Help with a project? Suuuure. I'll be out there, making calls, setting up, and inevitably get the "OMG Aubrie, you were amazing. You're a life saver. You did so god. We couldn't do it without you. You're the best." Kibbles. Done. Neeeext....

There are specific things I did prior to Dday that I don't do anymore. I don't want the bright lights and attention. As I've become more comfortable with who I am as a person, I've realized that as extroverted as I am, I still prefer to stay behind the scenes.

I don't dress for others. I dress to be comfortable and look nice for QS. I don't care what people think of me. I don't wonder if they're curious by my neat/shabby appearance. What's important is that I'm comfortable and whatever I'm doing. Whether it's church or date night or glow golf or whatever. I don't dress to the 9s, secretly hoping for or anticipating attention.

Anything I do is because I or my family enjoys it. Not because we get attention for it. Not because other people suggest it and praise our efforts.

The goal is a peaceful, happy, fulfilling life. A life well lived for *me*. Not a life measured and standardized by others feelings or views on me.

Zoro

I read your posts and all I see is you talking about your self. With bits of your GF thrown in. It seems that it's all about you and you are only here cause she has made you post.

Everything you say about yourself is about how great of a drama troupe you were in. What you did like Saturday night live. Great tips and then waiting to see their reactions. It's all about you. Your jobs scream of look at me look at me. You get your validation externally.

Then the post about how you were going to play golf simply said you wanted to escape and not deal with this.

Aurbie is right we have been there done that. The point of being here is to heal not to appease our betrayed or get them off our backs.

Also trying to talk to your GF? How about just doing it. The term try is one of those wiggle words that makes it ok when you don't do it.

I don't know you from Adam but there is a reason why the waywards here relate to each other. We share much common experience we aren't unique or special. Your situation is no more special or unique than anyone else's.

You remind me very much of my dad as well. Like the whole tip thing, that just made me groan. You are setting out hooks all the time to see which one reels something in to give you attention. Why? Because your bucket has a hole in the bottom, all this attention that you receive just leaks out, your bucket is never full. If it did get full you wouldn't keep needing to cast out hooks and getting people to admire you. Figure out why you like yourself and what is good about you, then you won't need it from others. You can then start to become a truly safe partner for your GF.

Aubrie,

I didn't think you suggested she reveal herself here that was what I have thought many times before and still do.

I do look forward to band gigs because of the joy of making great music and harmonies as well as knowing many of the people who come to the performances are tennis students that I have taught for years and come with their families to this area because of vacation. It's fun to entertain them in another way. So yeah, I guess it's more kibbles for my ego when I think about it. They do have a great time and I know that makes me feel good but I can see I'm pushing myself when I look at it from that aspect.

I am usually a very happy person and feel fulfilled mostly when I don't over analyze myself. Damn now I feel like shit. And I'm not joking.

sorrowfulmate and tired girl,

I was in that comedy troupe years ago. I think I only brought that up because someone said you only think you're funny. I was just defending myself, which I have a tendency to do. Sometimes I say too much.

Going golfing was DEFINITELY an escape and I deal with things like that many times. I did think a lot during those nine holes and this time I think it helped. Most of the time I just feel guilty and say screw it I'll deal with it later.

The TIP thing was me admitting how I now realize that having to wait for their approval sucks. I'm not the one who initiates the big tip but once I (always) agree with my girlfriend that it's a fun thing to make someone's day I should just do it and not have to get something out of it for myself. That hit home and I will never have to wait again. I see what everyone means with that kind of behavior in myself.

I also know I use the word TRY too much.

The hole in the bucket is a good point and I need to think about why I never get enough. I know self promotion is essential for successful business which is why I publish tennis tips and have a DVD and all that but I should think about what my motives really are or I should say I'm thinking about it now.

Thanks again everybody for their insights. I need to get to work.

You might want to consider the possibility that you relate to people more as sources of feelings than as actual people.

That might sound strange or extreme but the truth is that a lot of people live in emotional landscapes that look just like that. I was one of them.

Just a thought from a sometimes EvolvingSoul.

You said:

I am usually a very happy person and feel fulfilled mostly when I don't over analyze myself.

My interpretation:

I distract myself with stuff and people and adoration and attention and anything, so that I don't have to look at or deal with who I really am on the inside.

So now that you're attempting to look at yourself, you feel like crap. Why do you think that is? Where do you go from here?

evolvingsoul,

I don't think I look at people as that, but it's an interesting concept. I'm sure there is some truth to that with everybody mixed in with so many other factors of human behaviors and relationships. I sometimes wish it were more black and white. It may be easier to figure this whole thing out.

Aubrie,

I only felt like shit for a little while, ( I'm a great escape artist) but I have started to think more about my behaviors and who I am and how I am perceived by others. It does matter to me what people think for sure and I really believe perception is reality in many ways. I want to feel good about myself as well and if I am more aware of my intentions and look at what motivates me in my behaviors my girlfriend will be happier with me and I will be happier with myself.

I need to slow down a bit to make that happen, since my whole life seems to be on fast forward and I go from one job to the next without much time to reflect on anything. Sometimes I feel like I just DO and let things fall into place. My life is definitely too busy and I know that.

Posting IS helping and it seems to make me slow down a bit.

One thing I have done recently was quit drinking my two beers a night regimen, due to a health issue more than anything, which has now been resolved, but it was one month yesterday and I feel a little clearer in my thinking as well as my physical issues and I think that will help in some of my tendencies of selfishness and impatience. I can see the difference and so can my girlfriend. I didn't ever think that was an issue either and I see I was wrong there also.

I'll keep keeping on and see where it goes from here.

Thanks again everybody for your time and thoughts.

I distract myself with stuff and people and adoration and attention and anything, so that I don't have to look at or deal with who I really am on the inside.

Based on the information you have given us this seems like a fair assessment. Especially as you admit to being a good escape artist. So I am curious, have you ever spent any time listening to your inner voice? Or are you keeping yourself busy trying to push down anything it has to say?

I recommend taking a pause long enough to hear what your inner voice is saying. It might be a good place to start on the road to being a better person. That inner voice might be telling you key things that you feel about yourself. They may not be true but how can you change unless you know what it is your up against.

Sometimes I feel like I just DO and let things fall into place.

Im a do-er myself. But I have learned that I need to slow down and think about my motivations. You say you know that you do these things. So what are you going to do to change that behavior?