SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

somethingremorse, I think we posted at the same time. He didn't even SAY that it made him suspicious--it's something I intuited. I could try the text, but he didn't respond to my first text about it, so I am guessing we are not going to talk about it. AGAIN.

Sorry, this is so frustrating.

BS here...that being said..none of us are mind readers...and the fact that he internalizes doesn't help....could you start a conversation with him saying "I know you don't like to talk about this but...."

communication has been the key in our recovery....not always fun but so necessary....

with communication and reconnection we have been able to rebuild...

I am sorry he shuts down that makes the work harder for both of you...

I wish you peace

Thanks, seethelight. It IS really hurtful, and at the same time I feel like I deserve it, even though there is nothing going on. It's just a horrible reminder of what I did to him.

Can you say this above ^^^^^^ to him? It is the truth and it does not sound like blameshifting. You are just describing your feelings.

I don't want to live with it--I want to make it go away--but I suppose that is beyond my power.

At this point it is beyond your power. This won't go away, but you sound as if you are on the right track.

Expressing your pain at the betrayal, when issues like this arise, will likely help him process it.

Repressing stuff is never a good thing.

Oops, Double post. duh!

Deletted it.

[This message edited by seethelight at 11:22 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

But I also hate feeling like I am being put on the defensive (even at this late point) for something I did not do and will never do again

This comment really stuck out to me for a few reasons. First, 2.5 years isn't a 'late point'. It may seem that way to you, but the standard timeline given by experts to recover from an affair is 2 to 5 years. Your BH is barely over the threshold for the fastest time possible.

Second, you aren't being 'put on the defensive', you are being viewed as a person that broke a very deep trust. I know you feel like you're being accused, but really what you are doing is witnessing a person that is trying hard to trust someone that has broken trust once. I'm not saying this to be hurtful. I'm hoping you'll see that as much as you may hate this, your BH hates it more - trust me.

Third, it isn't something that you 'didn't do and will never do again', because you can't do something again if you never did it. It is for something that you did do 2.5 years ago, and hopefully you will never do it again.

Gently, this post really reads to me like you're the victim in this bed movement issue, when the reality is your BH, if that is where his mind went, was dragged back to a place he doesn't like going, didn't ask for, and feels terrible every single time it enters his head. I know you don't like that there is a trust issue, but please remember why and try to have empathy for what it does to your BH instead of feeling frustrated that you have to explain yourself.

That said, I think you explained what happened with your bruise text. I'm the same way - complete klutz. I think if you keep bringing it up, you may actually look guilty. I may be alone in this thinking, but over-explanation can give a guilty appearance. If he brings it up again, then address it directly, but if not, I'd let it go.

The reality is, if your BH thinks that you may be up to something again, he's going to start watching no matter what you say right now.

I'm sure this is hard on you - I hope I haven't made it harder. You seem to genuinely want this mess behind you. I think the best way to continue to heal is to continue to remember that there is a very deep wound there, and if anything nicks it, even in BH's imagination, it's going to bleed a little. Just keep the band-aids at the ready and have empathy for BH - he didn't ask for this deep cut and he's trying to get it to heal too.

This is such a difficult situation - I'm sorry for where you both find yourselves! Sounds like communication between you is not optimal. We have the same situation - and my BS refuses IC and MC. Period - no discussion, won't do it. I go to IC, but it's hard to help a marriage that way (helps me a lot, though.) We are 5 years into R, and I still struggle with "what do I say? or not say?" as you do. I have no great words of wisdom, other than be honest at all times and communicate in a loving way.

Sending you both good wishes for peace.

Bw, here. You may have picked up on a trigger. The weirdest stuff has triggered me. Like. We just changed the sheets. And they are the sheets that I put in the bed just after seeing a red flag in the bathroom the day before dday2. It triggered me. I just put on my cheerleading coach shirt to exercise. Seeing the logo in the mirror triggered me, because I was wearing it that evening. (Of course I was, my girls had a game that night...) It's silly, of course. But it isn't. It could be as simple as seeing mattress askew while triggering about something else... Vanilla ice cream caused me to trigger.

As a former WW, I understand your situation. Just passed 3 years out and I still tend to think that my BS has doubts about my faithfulness by a simple comment about something totally un A related.

However, I have come to realize that usually he really is just distracted about something else work, etc and I am projecting my worries (guilt) on to his thoughts.

It has caused more than a few fights so I have finally learned to just leave it alone when I get that feeling. He might be moody or quiet for a few days but then he is ok.

Maybe he actually is struggling with something but me overcompensating and trying to be extra attentive looks just as suspicious.

A funny example just popped into my head. BS made a simple comment about my toothbrush being in a different place. I instantly jumped to the conclusion that he was questioning my whereabouts the day before. When I went out of the way to explain why I had taken my toothbrush with me he laughed and said he didn't mean anything about it.

My guilt is that I did used to pack up my toothbrush and other toiletries when I knew I was going to be seeing the AP during work that day so the suspicion was all in my head.

Some people are real hard against fWS. Sometimes it is true and sometimes it is because people WANT to be justified in remaining hurt and angry and in the bad place they are. Personally I hate the 2-5 years as it gives some people an excuse to hold onto bitterness and punish their WS. When really it is just for the person to realize that sometimes you don't heal overnight. I know people (myself included) who have an amazing relationship six months after the affair. And I know people who are bitter and angry for the rest of their lives. Less to do with some magic number of time and more to do with personality, effort and so forth.

Your husband sounds like a rugsweeper. So that means he has not really dealt with your betrayal but buried it. That is why you feel on edge. Nothing to do with how long or short this is.

Since he is well past DDay I would say it is time for YOU to start opening the communication. Right now it sounds like this elephant is a taboo area of your life. It isn't going to just disappear.

Sit him down or email him or whatever and pour your heart out. Ask him if he has forgiven you. Ask him if he thought the bed was moved because you had someone there. Don't be so afraid of pushing him away because either you guys get your communication better or you will always have this wall.

And if he tells you that he has forgiven you and the bed comment had no deeper meaning to him then you know you are the one fixating your affair and projecting that on to him. And you know it is you who has an issue to work through. Trusting him at his word for one. And forgiving yourself.

Personally I hate the 2-5 years as it gives some people an excuse to hold onto bitterness and punish their WS.

Bitterness? Punish? People are devastated by affairs. They aren't looking for excuses to be bitter and it's not about punishment.

Sorry - but your comments are extremely offensive, and if you were 'amazing' 6 months after DDay as a BS, you should write a book because you are very rare.

Your hatred of what experts claim is an average is just that - your hatred. It's based on expert opinions, and it's an average rage. Obviously, some will be faster, and some will be slower. That doesn't make the 'average' wrong.

I'm sorry my post offended you. I am not a fan of "experts" because they change their mind and are human. Statistics and generalizations hinder people more than help. 2-5 years as a loose guideline is fine. But people really talk a lot about it online and I have seen a lot of peolle take abuse and give abuse because of it. That is all. This poster should be able to have an honest conversation with her spouse even though it is "only two years" after DDAY. She should not have yo wait until five. That is my point. Waiting for things to get better when nothing different is being done won't change anything and neither will time alone. Perhaps using the wors hate was too strong. I should say I am just not a fan of its use in some situations and for some purposes. Life is too short for a BS to remain in so much pain for so long. Life is too short for a remorseful wayward spouse to be punished for so long. And no one can't tell me it doesn't happen. I've read enough to know it does all the time.

It sounds like hypervigilance... I am not far out from dday. But part of my "processing" is going over all the stuff I *should* have seen and did not, or dismissed, or believed him on.

As someone in the thick of it - it is horribly disorienting to know that everything I thought was normal was not... and instead were clues screaming. It makes it very difficult to trust my own senses.

First - I didn't realize you were a WS. Your comments made it seem like you were a BS since you were comparing your experience to that of a BS. If I was too harsh (given that this is the WS forum) i apologize.

Second, I never said, nor implied, that anyone needed to wait 5 years to have a conversation. I said that the comment about it having been so long ago may not be factoring in that many people take longer than that to recover. That doesn't mean you can't discuss it. I'd never say not to discuss something, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years, doesn't matter. Communication is key in any relationship.

Third - recovery doesn't mean constant pain (responding to your life's too short comments). It means that triggers are frequent, that suspicions may be high, and that there are still feelings being worked through. It doesn't mean daily fights, crying, yelling, etc.

I don't know what you're reading, but most BSs aren't out to 'punish' anyone. Any anger or tears or anything else stem from pain, and a lack of trust. I've never read of someone 'punishing' their WS. Triggers are hard. Infidelity is hard.

I went back and read some of your posts. Your experience with your H is extremely rare. Even if the BS never wants to talk about it, your BH actually chit chats with OM if he sees him. That is beyond rare. I understand it's your experience, but it's not normal. That doesn't mean it's wrong, but it makes your opinion skewed. We all understand that any outlier is possible, but not probable. The experiences on this site are far more common, and therefore when BSs are offering their opinion on what another BS may be feeling, forgive me, but imo those opinions carry more weight than you giving your opinion based not on your feelings, but on what your BH did, particularly knowing that his reactions to betrayal are outside the norm. Again, not wrong, but outside the norm.

I'm glad that your experience has worked well for your BH and for you, but that doesn't mean other BSs are wrong, or punishing, or anything else. Everyone does what they need to do to heal.

Sorry for the t/j. peace out

Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for the advice, kind words and thoughts, and gentle 2-by-4s (painfulpast, I agree I was sounding like a victim--not intentionally. I realize he is the only victim here). I appreciated them all. I cannot figure out how to quote posts, or I would directly reference them, so I am just going to have to generalize.

My husband came home and saw the bruise, and realized that from its location it couldn't have possibly been from anything hitting the bed--there is nothing else in the apartment at that level that I would have hit in that way. We joked about me starting a "bruise log" so I can be more aware of where each one came from and maybe be a bit more aware of my surroundings so I can avoid them in the first place.

All that said, your points about opening up communication are well taken. He might be a bit of a rug sweeper, but I have to respect his limits on what he wants to discuss and how. That said, I can certainly be better about saying what's on my mind and letting him know I'm open to his response, whatever it might be.

your husband sounds like a rugsweeper. So that means he has not really dealt with your betrayal but buried it. That is why you feel on edge. Nothing to do with how long or short this is.

Personally, I think it's just a trigger to him, I don't see that achilleshealed nor her husband have rugswept.

Unless someone has been betrayed it is likely impossible for them to wrap their mind around the fact that trust has forever been broken and may get back to an 80 percent level, but will never be 100 percent, ever again.

I don't think it's about bitterness or punishment or inability to forgive or anything else, I think it is simply a self protective mechanism that is a normal and intelligent human reaction

I think the ongoing suspicion related to triggers is just a normal consequence of betrayal.

In my mind, I'm wondering if he's thinking I had my ex-AP (or someone else?!) over in our bed.

BS here and yes my WW had APs in my home in my bed, when I see or think anything is out of place especially since I was gaslighted in the past, I distrust.

I believe you are correct, your BH is thinking of other men having sex with you in his/your home. Bet on it. Now, go comfort him as best you can, good luck.

oh Ps my WW said after her first affair there was no possible way it could happen again, guess what?

[This message edited by steppingup at 10:42 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

AchillesHealed - I am a BH here almost 2 years out. For the most part much of my healing from my WW's LTA is done - at least the hard parts. That doesn't mean that I don't think about it. I am sort of at the point now that when I do think about it and I get frustrated with myself for still thinking about it. However, I realize that it is just my mind working to protect myself. Sometimes when a thought occurs to me, I really don't want to talk about it at all, it is just a thought and I want to move on from it. Other times, reassurance is needed.

For example, during my WW A's, she used a very confusing social schedule to keep me baffled as to what she may be doing on any given night. Now we have a very clear schedule and I am given back-up info on activities. Sometimes I get a feeling something doesn't sound right so I ask a question. I am sure my WW knows exactly why I am asking the question and she provides me the info I need so that I better understand. Just because my mind went to the A, doesn't mean that I want to talk about it. I am simply looking for the info so that I can put my mind at ease on my own. Overtime my thoughts become less and less but I think it will be unrealistic to think they will ever go away. It is simply the new world that I as a BS now live in.

My suggestion would be that when you sense your BH is thinking about it and asking a question on something, calmly provide the answer that he is looking for. If you get defensive, that may just make him feel he needs to be more suspiscious of it. If he leaves it alone after answering, that means he may very well have moved on from it and there isnt a need to talk more about it. If he brings it up again, then talking about it more specifically may be needed.

[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 10:47 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

Speaking as a BS, I would ask him if it made him think about the affair. If he was distracted by something else, he'll tell you. If he was thinking about it, it might be good to get it out in the open instead of replaying in his head. Being open and saying what's on your mind when something's bothering you are good for relationships.

Be gentle. It still hurts him in ways you will never understand. As I type this, I'm getting teary eyed for your BS...

Just the other day, as I was picking up the kids, I saw my ex putting the car seats in his trunk. He would often hide them so he could go on dates. I told him, jokingly, he was hiding the evidence. He got just as upset as you are...It's a trigger. It's logical, that's what happens to a BS when WS or fWS cheats...We ended up arguing and both crying. It was horrible.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:28 AM, August 1st (Friday)]