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sorry i haven't answered lately. i've been pretty busy. thank you guys for all your kind responses. they mean a lot.

ok. so it seems everyone is saying that i should divorce her. does anyone think she can change at all? with therapy? is it possible?

she can change but only if she WANTS to change. That is all on her. Honestly, I wouldn't hold my breath.

well i asked her if she wanted to go to mc and she said that she would go but after i beat the cancer. then we can talk about that stuff. i asked her to go to ic and she made an appointment so that's pretty good right? & she hasn't said anything mean. she's been eerily quiet though and just kind of keeping to her self and just asks me how i'm feeling and if i need anything. i want to talk about us but she says i need a break and need to focus on my health and that talking about us will just stress me out. what do you think about that?

wow. just wow.

She doesn't want to address anything until you beat your cancer?

I'm so sorry SWSC. I am so so sorry you are in this situation and pain.

I am curious how she will be after her first IC. I wonder how honest she will be in the session. She will only change if she wants to. It sounds to me like she is now in shock of your diagnosis. I do not know if that will snap her out of it or not.

This may be very cold, but it also sounds like she is literally just waiting for you to pass.

You deserve so much better than that.

what do you think about that?

I don't trust her and think you need to keep your guard up and be on alert. The deep level of cruelty she has shown you doesn't simply stop and I'd be very suspicious of this sudden change.

Abusers are very good at turning on the charm whenever they want. It's how they suck the victim back in and the cycle starts all over again.

Please take care of yourself.

So your wife says she will work on the M if you beat cancer. Wow. that is outrageous. I am not seeing where she cares about you at all.

She is saying that you need to work on you before you work no the M.

Here is what I am getting from this. Your W is feeling shame for the way she has treated you. She is ashamed of her actions. So she wants you to get better, so that she doesn't have to feel bad anymore. At which time she can continue to go back to her behaviors.

How can you put your future and life and trust in her hands? Isn't she the one that says she would step over your dead body to bring a date to the funeral? Seriously dude? What are you fighting for? 30 more years of abuse? Save yourself. beat the cancer. Do it for you, by yourself. grow your strength. be confident in you, and there are people out there that will appreciate you, for what/who you are. Not because you are a good punching bag, or support the lifestyle that you can provide.

but it also sounds like she is literally just waiting for you to pass.

why do you think this?

keep your guard up

i'm really bad at this. i have tried that before and she will be sweet to me and the guard just falls.

Here is what I am getting from this. Your W is feeling shame for the way she has treated you. She is ashamed of her actions. So she wants you to get better, so that she doesn't have to feel bad anymore. At which time she can continue to go back to her behaviors.

i believe she does feel bad because we were having a long talk yesterday and she said that she didn't mean any of the things she said, she was just angry and tends to hold grunges. she said she feels like a horrible person and doesn't want to be like that anymore and she wants to change. i told that i believe we shouldn't wait to mc and that i really want to go and she said that if i really wanted to go we can and is going to make an appointment. i mean this is progress right? i know everyone is telling me to leave but is really bad that i want fix my marriage? or at least try? i read you should give it 6 months before you actually do anything. so maybe i see if she makes any changes in 6 months? what do you think?

i know everyone is telling me to leave but is really bad that i want fix my marriage?

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to fix your marriage but that will not happen if you're being abused.

This:

So your wife says she will work on the M if you beat cancer.

Is related to this:

but it also sounds like she is literally just waiting for you to pass.

She doesn't want to work on the relationship. She wants to play "nice" and not do any work. She has said she's glad you got sick. She'd bring a boyfriend to your funeral. She made fun of you when you tried to take your own life. Do you really want to be with this person?

She is deranged and needs to work on her own issues before she is safe to be with anyone. You need to get yourself healthy physically and emotionally.

well she is going to go to ic and she did change her mind about mc and is going to make an appointment. and i am going to go back to to ic also since i obviously have to deal with the emotional abuse.

well she is going to go to ic and she did change her mind about mc and is going to make an appointment. and i am going to go back to to ic also since i obviously have to deal with the emotional abuse.

shewassocold - glad to get the updates from you. I hope you are having a good week so far. Feeling okay? You are asking us for feedback about her going to IC and potentially MC. I guess it is hard to be at all optimistic because from what you've said she has only done the absolute bare minimum as a WS. But yes, it is encouraging to hear that she knows that she needs help. That's good for her, but it really honestly does nothing for you or for your marriage at this point. Going to IC is her being vulnerable, and yes it should be encouraged. However, you still need to protect yourself, as others have said. She likely is only doing these things because you are taking somewhat of a stand. For your sake, I really hope that you continue taking a stand. You aren't doing this TO her, you are doing it FOR her and FOR yourself. Once she sees you taking care of yourself and respecting yourself enough to keep a safe distance from her cruelty, she will start to get it. That doesn't mean you let your guard down. She has to earn that over time. A long, long time. Read about and do the 180. Have you looked into the 180 that many advocate on SI? Also, don't let her get away with anything wayward. For example, if she seeks privacy, or refuses to read books/visit websites that you recommend, these are all warning signs that she isn't trying to put herself in your shoes. She doesn't get it yet.

You are at your lowest point (or close to it). My BH likes to remind me that the true measure of a person is not how they respond to 99% of life's trials. That isn't what defines them. It is how they respond in difficult times, when you really need them, that defines them. We are concerned for you because we are not sure that she is really the person you've hoped for, or longed for. She is scared and only thinking of herself. Hang in there. Sending you strength!

[This message edited by TheWorstCase at 9:56 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]