SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CB - 'I need to take my power back and I need to do it today, right now.'

WOW - you are MIGHTY. One of the mightiest people I have met on many forums. You've already taken your power back in a very fundamental way. Going on by taking great care of your infant and being happy doing so, as well as the other two young ones.

Just when some of us think we've got it bad, it's a post like yours that really makes us feel deeply empathetic for how nasty some people can be. I think we all agree that the lowest of lows is any guy that would cheat on his pregnant wife. Pond Scum.

He's been doing pond scum at the tip of the iceberg. I just feel it in your post. And, cheating on you - good grief - what's so special about HIS weiner? Do women actually get off on that shit? Or, just want...to fuck. I dunno.

You've been doing great with the gps and forwarded text. (Technology has gotten so great since this happened to me.) Find my iPad was the way I found out (brutally) and hadn't thought of VAR before then. (voice-activated recorder). Put in his car where he does a lot of private phone talk. Don't do it, of course, if you can't take what you might hear.

Personally, I needed this additional fuel to reinforce what my decision would be on staying M or D. Nobody wants to become the marriage police. It's humiliating and degrading to think you've got to spy on this 'loved one'. It shouldn't come down to that for us Chumped spouses. Unfortunately - if they are as covert as my Ex was, it had to come down to it.

Keep up your mighty!

Your kids are going to be mighty with the Sane and Strong One Parent they have right now.

Thank you SheWiz. I've let myself see the reality of my situation. I have 3 children with this man. I live near my family and friends. I have more control over my situation than I originally let myself believe. If he doesn't have the balls to be the man I thought he was, I can legally take what I need for the kids, and leave his sorry ass for his skanks to enjoy.

I want to see him be who I fell in love with, but I'm not blind. I want to believe what he says he'll do, but actions speak louder than words, and I'm not deaf. So far, nothing has been done that I've asked for. He's more involved with the kids and taking care of the house. It's something, but not enough for me to throw myself into R.

I can forgive him, but I won't just hand him another chance to control me and crush me. Show me something different. Show me a man that wants to put the work in. He's got 1 1/2 months left and he knows he's on the clock. I can hear it in what he says, he's worried about running out of time, but I won't give him any hope or comfort until I see some action.

I love him, but that doesn't mean I have to be with him. I can love myself, too.

How did you get WH's text messages to go to your phone too? We both have iPhones. Could you maybe send me a private message about how you did that?

Edit: never mind… I just realized you have to have 50 posts before you can send private messages here.

[This message edited by UnwiseOne at 10:35 AM, September 19th (Friday)]

What I did won't get you all of the texts unfortunately, only the iMessages. So, only the messages sent to other iPhones basically. It's under settings, but I would recommend changing it and testing it when you have both phones to make sure you don't give yourself away. It sends a message and asks for permission from the other phone first. I had to act like something weird was happening with my phone too & he told me he got a bunch of permission requests but just kept hitting ok real fast without reading them, so didn't know what happened.

If you go under settings and hit messages, the next page turns on and off iMessages. You can click on a link that explains how to share messages with your other devices. That'll help too. Then further down it will say send & receive > addresses. You can add the other number to your list, but I'm pretty sure you need to change his settings too or he'll get your messages also. My H said he had to fix his settings & now I'm just real careful what I send if it's going through iMessage. I don't want to be talking about him or plans in case he gets it forwarded.

Also, if your sitting with each other, it's suspicious if you get a text everytime he gets or sends one. Go to settings and hit notification center. Then go to messages. You can turn off banners that say someone texted and silence the tones for messages from anyone not on your contact list. I set my default text tone to none and have a different tone set for people I text with on my contact list. You have to give everyone on there a tone or it won't make a noise since there's no default set.

I used find iPhone to GPS him. Both phones have to have the app and his has to give permission to use the location. Then all you do is pull the app up on your phone and sign in with their Apple ID. It won't tell them they're being tracked once it's on there. You can change your settings to not allow the app to use your location if you're worried about the same being done to you. I don't have anything to hide, but I turned mine off anyway because fuck him that's why.

Thank you!

H has been mentioning wanting us to buy a house when we move at the end of our lease in January. Usually, I just say that sounds nice, but don't get excited about the conversation.

This weekend he said we needed to go talk to banks within the next month and I felt the anger start bubbling up. I've told him I need him to do IC and why it was so important for him to do this if we're going to keep R on the table. He still hasn't done it.

I wanted to scream at him, but I just shook my head and told him I wasn't ready to make that commitment with him. I'm so frustrated.

H finally has an appointment set for IC 10/28. He says the counselor wants us both there for the first appt, so I get to run through everything again. I can do it, I'm just so tired. It's a good thing that's happening. He just doesn't understand how exhausting all this is. I've let myself be trapped with this craziness while he keeps everything at a standstill.

It's left me feeling less and less attached to him, and I don't think he realizes that the further I pull away, the harder he'll have to work. I gave myself until Nov. 22nd to make a decision, and he's looking less and less attractive to me. I'm starting to resent everything he does.

I don't want to be the wife that constantly nags at him, but where before I was always defending him, now I see fault in almost ever choice he makes. I have no faith in him.

A close, spiritual friend of mine is taking me and my baby to the beach this weekend. It was thrown together last minute and all the basic details have fallen into place. She says I need to stop worrying about the little stuff and let it work itself out.

I talked with a friend about going, and she got me worrying about how my H will behave with our boys while I'm away. She mainly had me stressed about how my older son might react while my H is drunk and some kind of altercation taking place.

In the middle of texting with her, my MIL called, said their plans to travel fell through, and they would be in town for the weekend. I told her my worries, and she said she would check in with my H and call my older son too, to see how everything was and would pick them up for the weekend if need be.

In the 13+ years we've been together, I've never taken an overnight trip away from my H and our kids. The universe is telling me it's time. At this point, I'm not worried about H being unfaithful. I feel like that's out of my hands, but I do worry about my kids. I think in have my bases covered enough to take this step for myself.

Hugs. I'm dealing with something similar. H slept with a stripper years ago, and then recently I found bed been sexting some woman for montha. As far as I know no Skyping but I'm still shocked and disgusted.

I don't have any advice but I do understand the confusion and how hurtful it is. We are taking it day by day, that's all you can do. I hope you guys can work it out.

The trip to the beach was awesome. I had to turn off a lot of what was going on in my mind, but I had a really good time. It turned out to be us sharing a room with three other people, so it was a little cramped but we managed. The baby was perfect. 😊 Everyone was impressed with how easy going she was, hardly cried at all & slept through the night. One of the guys in our group took a picture holding her and posted it to facebook. I had to turn my phone off because H kept texting late into the night asking who was holding her & if he should be mad.

I didn't text back, knew that his texting started about the time he would have been drunk. I had already told him what the arrangements were for who we would be sharing the room with. I think the photo was just a visual of him not being there. I started to feel bad about him being so upset, but after running through my actions, I decided that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was doing something fun for myself & didn't need to use my energy reassuring him. He needs to deal with his consequences without me helping him through it everytime he feels bad.

We went to meet his counselor today. He got the basics of what was going on & asked about what I was looking to happen. He gave me the name of someone in his group that could help me with support if I needed. He said the first thing he wanted to work on with my H was full disclosure of everything he had done & said he could set up a polygraph as part of the session. He recommended a book for us to read together. I had a good feeling about the counselor, so hopefully it'll be helpful

CB,

I have just read through your thread and like many on here, our stories are a lot alike. Except, I'm much older than you, I only had one boy and one girl, and my XWH gave me my first Dday when our little girl was 2 months old. He gave me my last when she was 20 years old.

Your WH seems to act a lot like my XWH. Our 3rd dday he found the MC and we both saw him for IC as well. He had me and our MC convinced he wanted help and would never do it again. I have to admit that I wanted to believe him, so that made it easier. But our MC encouraged me to stay and said he felt XWH was making progress, loved me and our family very much and he truly believed he would never do it again. We went to MC for over two years. Afterwards, I would see him for IC occasionally as needed. I want to point out that the first 3 Ddays, XWH begged me to stay. Four years (almost to the day) after the 3rd Dday, XWH moved out with very little notice. We had gone back to see MC within a few months leading up to XWH moving out. Within the first week of XWH moving out, I discovered he had been seeing OW from 3rd Dday again. I went for IC and the C was shocked!! The other times XWH cheated it was with different women each Dday and later I found out about so many other times he cheated with several different women. There was nothing special about any OW; they could have been anyone.

My XWH and I were very close. We were a lot like how you described your relationship in your original post. Through our 26 years of M we had a lot of fun. This is why I didn't want to D. We had fun with our kids. Our home was not chaotic, like so many I would see. We joked around a lot. I remember going to friend's homes and they were always arguing with their S. They would tell me how unhappy they were. I kept thinking, "Yeah, XWH has cheated, but I think he really loves me. And, we get along." I also believed him every time he promised he wouldn't cheat again. He made me believe him. And no one wants to share time with their kids. I didn't want another woman stepping in to my shoes. So I stayed; praying each time that he would be good.

I highly doubt your WH is going to change. He (like my XWH) has no trouble lying straight to your face. -- You seem to have a pretty healthy reality already. You're much stronger than I was.

I really hope I'm wrong and that your WH becomes cured and realizes what he is getting ready to lose. My XWH and I still talk. He has had some GF, but he hasn't wanted to commit to any of them. He called me a week before my M and tried to talk me out of getting M. Your WH is going to regret his actions, but you have given him several chances and he hasn't changed yet. I have no trouble believing that if I had gone back to my XWH (he wanted to get remarried) that he would cheat again. Our WH did not have ONS; they cheated with plenty of time to consider their actions and to repeat themselves even after they saw how much it hurt us.

I am here if you ever need to talk. You can PM me if you would like.

I will be reading and hope your story has a happy ending!!

Thanks Happyatlast. I'm glad your story had a happy ending. Thanks for taking the time to read through my posts. I'm still in the mind set to wait and give him a chance to get some counseling. I think I'll use the option of H taking the polygraph. The C said he uses a line of questioning that would go through his past infidelity and the present. I think it could help.

I'm still not ready to throw myself into R with him. I don't feel like he's earned that yet, but I'm hopeful that this C will give him some guidance for what he needs to do. Talking with him made me feel like a lot of what I had asked for had been reinforced. I'm waiting for my H to put the work in.

You need to know you did everything you could to save your M. Even though my XWH never stopped cheating for good, I can't say that I regret staying. Some M have a daily struggle and some are peppered with infidelity through the years. I'm grateful I didn't get an STD with permanent consequences. I did get a curable one though. But, I appreciate that I didn't have to share my kids.

I really understand those who stay. Some even stay for financial reasons. I understand this reason as well. It's a shame that the WS just can't appreciate what they have and not do things that destroy what so many other would love to have. My H tells me he waited for me his whole life. We are very laid back and simple. NO DRAMA in our lives. It's not like I'm this great catch or anything, but after it was too late, XWH wanted me back. I don't kid myself and think that he would be faithful to any woman. But I think he has had so many GF now and they have been high maintenance, wanted him for his money, or filled with drama. I think he realizes that I understood him, and if he could have just stopped cheating, he could have had a great life. But I'm much better off than I was with him. He did me a favor. I hope he finds happiness some day. But I do not want it to be at the expense of a nice woman.

Sorry, I got off on another subject; it's difficult not to.

I wish you the best and hope your WH becomes the man he can be. If he loses you and his children, he is going to know what depression is.

I lie to myself sometimes and feel like I'm stuck in my M. I've had multiple offers from people to help me and my kids with a place to stay. I'm not stuck, I just don't want to give up yet. I want my M to work, but I can't have an open M and I can't be an option.

One thing that keeps going through my head tonight is something a friend told me. I'm coming up on my 6 months waiting period to decide what to do. My H finally started counseling and I'm still very hurt & confused. I said I didn't know what he was waiting for to finally get started and do some work on fixing things. She said, he's not waiting for anything. He knows you're not going anywhere so he's waiting for things to go back to normal.

For whatever reason, that really stuck with me because if he's not the one waiting, then I am. I felt it was important to remember that. Nothing's really changed. I'm waiting for him to do something to earn a chance at R, but nothing's really changed. About 3 weeks left...

I'm having a hard time tonight. This weekend my H told me he had kissed the friend of his that he had been having phone sex with. It really didn't come as a shock to me. I've asked him specifically about it several times because I kinda already knew. This is would've been back in 2002, so the only big realization for me was who ever I thought he was, he's never been that person.

Now what I'm struggling with is... I knew and felt that already. What do I do with everything else that I've been worried about. I feel pretty strongly that he had sex while I was staying with my friend in Dallas. There was a missing condom that he hid all evidence of. He came out & told me he used it on himself before I found out, but he had thrown everything away and taken it out to the dumpster before I got home. That seems like way too much cover up for alone time pleasure.

I hate that I feel like I have to question myself. I'm intelligent and have very good intuition. I think I'm giving him too much patience.

A few months back, my H had a lot to drink and had a sleep walking/blackout incident where I woke up to him peeing on our laundry basket. I guess he thought he was in the bathroom & didn't even believe me until he felt the clothes. Had the same thing happen a couple of weekends ago, only I woke up to him peeing on the baby in her crib! I flew outta bed and started yelling and pushing him away. He pushed me back and it escalated to me hitting him & kicking at him and him tackling me and trying to choke me. There was nothing in his face, like he wasn't even there. I grabbed the baby while he was trying to figure out what was going on and told him to feel the crib and get the f' away from us. He tried to apologize, and I wound up calling his dad and telling him I needed help because he wouldn't get away and I needed a place to go with the kids. He had me give the phone to my H and agreed to stay out of the room and sleep on the couch. It was either that or get the police.

He called into work the next day and told me he wouldn't drink anymore and was going to spend the day cleaning everything up and making sure I was ok. I said there wasn't anything he could do at home and said I wanted him to go to a meeting, start doing some internal housecleaning so I would have something that made me feel like he was ok to be around the kids, and then he could worry about picking up the mess.

He found a meeting and left right away, then came home and started laundry and scrubbing down the crib and picking up the tornado that went through our room. He stayed clear of me and let me keep him away and for the first time, respected my boundaries like he understood the impact of what he had done.

He slept on the couch until I told him he could come sleep in bed (a little over a week on the couch). It wasn't very long but it wasn't making me sleep any better and my older kids were asking questions. Found out my oldest, 12, heard a lot of the fight.

This is the first time I've seen any genuine remorse from my H. He's doing everything with the urgency I had been waiting for. Now I'm just waiting for the changes to become habit.

I'm waking up to every little noise, having terrible nightmares, and tossing and turning all night. I'm beyond exhausted. There's more to say here, but I keep losing my train of thought. So far though, he's been to 2 meetings (I asked him to go to one a week for the next month), and he says he doesn't feel like he needs to drink. I'm not planning on making him keep going to meetings if he really doesn't want to.

He had another counseling session today and said the next one would probably be with both of us for the full disclosure and then the polygraph test on the next one. I'm leaving my wall up and firm for now.

I am so sorry for all you've been through.

Gently, your 6 months is up and you are still waiting for him to become someone I'm not sure he ever was.

You suggesting counselling for him is not him doing the work.

Now you've exposed your kids to violence. What happens next time? What if he had killed you? Then what for your kids?

I really think you know you need to leave- perhaps you need IC to figure out why you stay?

I am so sorry. You deserve to be safe in your own house.

I agree with LTR. He's no longer safe for you or your children Choking is the most deadly form of abuse and next time it could cost you your life.