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We can love people and help them, but apart from our kids it's just plain not our jobs to ensure their survival. What I'm saying is that, whereas we can be a positive force in events like this, it is NOT your responsibility.

You're right. Intellectually, I know this, but emotionally I haven't caught up yet. I felt *exactly* toward her that I feel toward my son, extremely protective. I used to have nightmares about bad things happening to her - specifically about her "falling asleep" in her river. And then that was where I found her. Just that afternoon she'd tried to go down to the river alone and without her cane to bring the inflatable raft back up - I caught up to her and told her I would do it, so she waited at the top of the stairs. I was afraid she would fall… It's exactly the same kind of feeling/watchfulness I feel towards Lil Silver. Always watching to make sure nothing happens. But intellectually, I know there was nothing I could have done. And everyone tells me that maybe it happened for a reason. The neighbors and my family have said that maybe I was meant to be the one who found her because I was the one (from immediate family) who loved her the most, and she loved me. We were each others' favorite person. So I try to see it that way and be thankful that I at least gave her the happiest last day she could have had. Remembering that instead.

If I were you, I'd buy an inexpensive Chromebook ASAP.

((((huge hugs)))

Hi, Silver!! It's been a long time since we talked, but I'm not on here as much as I used to be.

Have you gotten your stuff sorted in the basement? I think that's where we left off. Are you still at your Godmother's?

There's a thread in General regarding children (that's all I can say in this forum) that might be helpful to you in sorting out your feelings toward your dad.

I was wondering if maybe planting some seeds and watching them grow, nurturing the plants, etc. might be helpful to you?

Also, I realize you have a LOT of limitations in terms of being able to work outside of the home, but have you thought of telecommuting (or really cyber-commuting)?

When I was going NC with H's mom, I always let a certain amount of time pass between her emails and my response, if any. How about you just sit with your dad's email for a week or so and see if you feel a response is helpful or necessary after that amount of time?

Over time, you've told me a LOT about your family and it is SERIOUSLY messed-up, but one thing you need to try to understand is that you weren't responsible for ANY of that. I hope your family wasn't involved in ending anyone's life, but I can't say it would surprise me. If you really feel that way, in your gut, you owe it to yourself and your child to stay away- FAR away.

It's good to "see" you again! (((silver)))

Aaawww sweetie!!! (((silverhopes)))

I wasn't trying to, the voices were getting to me while I was trying to take a shower, so I was in there for 45 minutes arguing with them and I think she thought I was being willful because I wouldn't come out (I was 14 or 15, and I think they all thought I was trying to be a defiant teenager.

I didn't know. You have had such a battle!!! What an incredibly strong and courageous person you are! I am so very sorry that your family doesn't understand mental illness at all...you are right, many people don't "get" it and expect it to be something you can overcome by willpower alone (so puzzling to me, because we don't heal our broken bones or clogged arteries by willpower, so how could we heal a chemical imbalance or brain injury by willpower? It is just ignorant!) I have PTSD and my sister told me to never mention it again to her. Like it is something to be ashamed of....I can't help that I was given a mental wound. I didn't do it on purpose (just like you didn't give yourself your illness on purpose....) I am proud of myself for functioning so well with this disorder, and you should be proud of yourself also.

In the heat of the moment he accused me of "maybe it's that you don't love us

That is incredibly hurtful to hear. It has nothing at all to do with love.

but it's stuck with me since then.

Of course it did. It was a traumatic thing to hear. I will NEVER forget what my mom said to me (even though she denies ever saying it.) It totally traumatized me and put me into shock. When a trauma occurs to us, it gets "burned" into our brains. We may forgive but we will never forget.

I'm afraid that if I behave badly or don't manage my symptoms well enough, then people - friends and family - will take it as a sign that I'm trying to hurt them or that I don't love them enough.

((((silverhopes)))) I'm so sorry, again......

Stepmom told me once that that was why she thought I never hugged - it was really because the voices threatened me that my energy was toxic, and I didn't want anyone touching me and getting infected by it).

Did you ever tell your stepmom this? Because I think she needs to look at your intentions here instead of the actions .....especially since you were so young...although I don't know her well....if you think she would understand, it may be something to bring up. If, however, she is totally ignorant on this subject, it is probably best to just keep your distance. At least, the most important thing, is that YOU know your intentions were good. You know you are a good person inside. That is what really matters.

She should never have had to worry, she should have just been able to enjoy her family.

That is faulty thinking. It is a parent's/grandparent's job to worry and there is nothing you can do to stop that. I worry about my kids all the time, no matter what they are doing. It comes with the territory. You aren't responsible for someone else worrying, especially about an illness that you had no control over at the time. You took on an awful lot of responsibility for a young person/child and NONE of that was your responsibility.

I just wish he'd not handled it the way he chose to, which was walking out of my life. But I can't do anything to change his choices, because they're his.

I'm sorry he took the cowardly way out. I'm sorry that he was so weak that he could not handle anything less than perfection. But that is on him, not you. It gets so complicated when it is our parents, but the bottom line is that they were not able to love you the way you needed them to love you because of their own issues and defects, not because of you.

Hi (((((TIKY)))))!

I haven't gotten everything sorted in the basement, but that will change soon: my son's starting preschool next week, and I will be able to do it now!

Still living with my godmother. And still enforcing my boundaries! For right now, I think I'm doing OK - she doesn't cross my boundaries anymore, and I've been very consistent in setting them - though at some point we will definitely be moving out. I'm waiting until my health improves and I'm work-eligible, so that I will be able to *stay* on my feet once we go. The last time I lived on my own, my mental health issues eventually got the better of me and I lost the place I was living in; I want to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Yes, I've been doing some gardening on the back porch and in a community garden. You're right, it does help. When my son goes to preschool, I'm going to get my hands in the earth more. It's soothing.

I checked out the thread you mentioned. There's some good stuff in there. Sad understanding that as children, when our parents do something deeply hurtful, we blame ourselves or feel like we should have prevented it because we wish it would "unhappen". We wish we had that kind of power to stop or change the hurtful things but we don't.

Telecommuting would be great! Right now, I am not allowed to work more than 20 hours a month because of disability's requirements, but it's something my therapist/caseworker and I will probably talk about as we move toward me going back to work. Our plan is for me to go back on medication (we're setting up the appointment right now with the psychiatrist so I can) and keep seeing the doctor about the migraines and eating troubles (and some other stuff, but we're starting with that). And then once my health is more stable we'll talk about finding job training - they have a program for it at the therapy center. In the meantime, I'm keeping my eyes open to see what kind of work is out there that I could do proficiently, and I'll keep telecommuting in mind! It looked like there were some good jobs out there, but I'd need to see if I have the skills.

You were right about waiting a week. Sometimes it's good to sit with things for a week and see, though I'm very sorry we both have had to do that with family. I haven't written my father back yet. The extra week helped my emotions settle a bit.

(((dreamlife))), good point. Are Chromebooks anti-virus?

(((NaiveAgain))) I'm so sorry your sister said that to you. The way you put it is so accurate, we've been given mental wounds. Even harder to deal with than physical ones in the sense that they cannot be seen, and therefore people don't always believe in them. Makes it very hard to find support or understanding within our families, unless they're very compassionate.

I told my stepmom the real reason why I struggled with physical touch and she was supportive (I think, it was a while ago when I told her). She's been pretty supportive on just about everything else that's happened - she's actually been a rare beacon of sanity in all our family dysfunction.

I might not be on here for a while, but wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to help me. Take care, and stay safe everyone.

(((HUGS)))