SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hope you are still around and reading. Don't let us scare you off.

I'm still here and very appreciative of everyone's words. I don't know if it'll be counter productive but I think I may make mention of my guilty feelings and the wife's role in her affair in marriage counseling. It's pretty hard to not to feel like I had a role in "pushing" my wife, but I fully understand she's in control of her own actions. Getting to the root cause of what made her choose her course of action seems to be the key stone for reconciliation. I vow to change my behavior/actions...I hope she does too. I get that vibe at least. Thanks again. This has been incredibly helpful.

You hit the nail on the head. You need to, "Get to the root cause of what made her choose her course of action." This may take some time.

In my case it to several months and countless hours of talking with both me and the MC for my wife to figure out how she could have cheated on me. Only after she figured that out was I really able to "start" getting past it. Our MC really helped in that regard and I'm happy to say that things get better every day now.

djla, I like that you acknowledge and own your mistakes in the marriage. They are yours to own, regardless of what your wife did. If R happens and the marriage ultimately survives your wife's cheating, then you should strive to be the best husband you can be.

But at the risk of beating a dead horse and repeating what everyone else has been saying, just be careful not to confuse the issues. Her cheating was despicable, bad behavior that is 100% hers to own. If it ever seems like you're being assigned any of the blame for her waywardness, even 1%, call bullshit on that quickly. She has to feel the full gravity of her behavior and actions if she is to heal as a person and marital partner. And frankly, cheating is pretty much the ultimate marital crime, short of battering. It inflicts enormous pain that takes years to heal. It shatters trust, respect, and intimacy. Assigning any of the blame to the victim is just plain wrong and offensive.

There is absolutely no excuse for cheating and it has nothing to do with you. Many couples have down episodes during their married life and they don't turn away from their marriage. What your WW did has nothing to do with you or your M and is entirely about her.

My advice is is to revoke your 35% and put it all on her. This is the only way she will be able to fix herself. You cannot give her any out on this matter... also you may want to let your WW earn forgiveness... many people offer forgiveness too soon and find that it wasn't real forgiveness.

You own roughly 50% of the marriage problems.

She chose to cheat. Were you informed prior? Did you give consent? How are you possibly responsible for s choice you didn't know about and wouldn't of condoned? That's khafka. Her trying to assign some blame to you for her actions is so she can say her choice was on both of you. She's trying to get you to hold/carry her water.

Her 59% of the marriage problems didn't make you chest. You choose not too she chose to have an affair.

She chose.

You didn't cause anything.

I'll write to you what I wrote a few days ago:

Imagine you have a car. It needs an oil change - and you ignore it. It needs a tune up - but you are busy. The brake pads are too thin - but you're swamped at work. The truth is, either you or your wife could bring the car in for the necessary maintenance, but life is hectic and the car is chugging alone just fine.

Then, one day, your wife comes home, grabs a tire iron, and starts smashing the car.She breaks all the windows, destroys the dashboard, tears all the seats. Then she dumps gasoline on the hood and drops a lit book of matches, and bam! The car burns. Through all of this, you stand there, dumbfounded.

You finally ask why - and she responds angrily "YOU DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF THE OIL CHANGE, THE TUNE UP OR THE BRAKES!! YOU MADE ME DO THIS!!!"

Now, sure, you could have gotten the maintenance items taken care of sooner, but you did NOT cause your wife to destroy the car.

I hope that helps clarify the difference between owning the problems in the marriage and causing the WS to cheat - they are very different things.

Painful- great analogy. Appreciate the alternate view.

Other posters- thanks! I'll be sure to explore these issues in marriage counseling. The topic of responsibility has never come up and believe it'll be a value added discussion. I certainly hope she discusses it and is able to work it out in her individual counseling.

BTW, the short hand on the board is killing me. I think I'm picking my way through but some acronym a throw me for a loop:) Is there a cheat sheet posted somewhere?

http://survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Good stuff in the Healing Library located over there <<<<<<<<<<<------------------

First of all, I'm SO sorry you find yourself here. Infidelity is the worst thing I've EVER dealt with in my whole life! And that includes being molested as a child & having a child with some pretty serious drug problems in his teen years. The first thing you have to understand & realize is that her cheating was in NO way your fault...PERIOD! She CHOSE to cheat! This is one of the hardest things for me to accept still..is that my husband, who promised in our vows to keep only unto me, who was supposed to love & protect me, CHOSE to cheat on me. That hurts SO much, I can't even explain to anyone HOW MUCH it hurts me!

In marriage problems, each partner is responsible for 50% of the problems, but the cheating? IT'S 100% on her. It was whatever is broken in her that made her choose to do it. It really was not about you at all. And, cheating is a very selfish act. It's about the cheater, satisfying themselves or trying to escape their broken.

The thoughts of having a revenge affair? Oh yes! I had those as well..& at almost a year since Dday, I still think about it sometimes. But at the end of the day it comes down to this....That's not who i am, not what i really want to do...At the end of my life, I still want to be able to say "I was faithful to the man I promised that to until death separated us". And yes..even though I love my FWH, sometimes I do want him to know what my exact pain truly feels like. It's a struggle of...I don't really want to hurt someone I love, yet he apparently didn't think how this was going to hurt me while he was having sex with her! Giving something to her that was never meant to be shared with anyone else but me! Another huge hurt that's so hard to explain. They can truly only imagine what this feels like. None of this ever totally leaves my mind...it's always there, even if it's at the back of my mind.

Please keep posting & reading all you can. You'll get good advice, gain strength & understanding here & support your going to need. I'm sure others have already mentioned IC & MC.

I won't sugar coat it, it's a long, hard, hurtful, sad, depressing journey, but you will survive! I didn't think I could, & some days still wonder, but just don't give up! We're all here to help you!

Just wanted to add a little bit here...I told my H pretty early on (in the denial stage) that I had forgiven him. A couple months later I had to go back & tell him I had not truly forgiven him. It's been almost a year since Dday & I still have not forgiven him. We are working on R, but doesn't mean I HAVE to forgive him.... just some food for thought....

Trying2- thanks for your story and feelings. We share a lot of similar feelings. I believe i truly forgive her but am repulsed by her act of unfaithfulness. It eats at my soul. I trigger every few minutes. I have a hard time looking at my wife as I'm constantly reminded of what was once solely mine is no longer solely mine. Things seem to get better each day with us and we've improved our communication. Nothing is left on the table. A lot of frank conversations. I still fight the "demon" of wanting to cheat on her, but I have to choose the high road...but I know it will be tough. It seems that one of the stages in my grieving process is revenge...but again I must choose the high road. Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it:)

[This message edited by djla2929 at 10:58 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]