SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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“When would he realize that it wasn't his infidelity I couldn't bear, but his cowardice?”

― Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah's Key

I've saved so many great quotes from here. Apologies for not being able to credit the authors.

When a man cheats on his wife he a lowlife slug who is bound to get what's coming to him. When a woman cheats, though, it's usually presented as a wild, romantic response to an overbearing, asshole husband, and she's usually presented as stressed, overworked with kids and home and unappreciated.

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As if a woman ever loved a man for his virtues.

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Amazing how she can break your heart, and yet the fragments still want to love her.

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Hiding the reality from me is not shielding me from the pain. It is called lying.

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When the foundation is demolished there's no reason to fix the roof.

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TRUST takes years to build, seconds to break, and FOREVER to repair.

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I miss the blind trust that I once was able to freely give to her. I miss the security knowing SHE would always have my back and would never hurt me.

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I need to see/feel remorse to feel safe again, to start believing and trusting again.

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I am 3 years and 2 months into R and I felt the same way about my FWS. She was my everything. We are R and I do love her and am glad I stayed and I am in love with her. But its different, those crazy in love feelings are gone. The only way I know to describe it is like finding out there's no Santa Claus. You still love and enjoy Christmas but it's never really the same.

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I know in my case I feel there is stuff about her affair I'll never know. After a while you just let it go and focus on yourself. Now I know why many old men fish or hunt all the time-anything to get out of the house.

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Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Come on you boy child, you winner and loser, come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine!

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my love is an anchor tied to her, tied with a silver chain.

They don't cheat because we are not good enough, they cheat because they are not good enough.

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Because those WW who were forgiven and not divorced, in the end, really lost nothing. They got to have their fun, got to have their romance, got to have their hot passionate illicit affair, got forgiven, got to keep their families, got to keep their sucker husbands, and got to keep their comfy lifestyles.

My wife lost nothing.... She is enjoying the same financial support and perks as she always has as my wife.

Me? I got unbearable pain, loss of self esteem, emasculation, nightmares, insomnia, higher blood pressure, debt, uncertainty, wildly fluctuating moods, doubt, distrust.... shall I go on?

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we BS felt safe in our M, we had no guards up. We trusted them 100%. We were comfortable with life - then BOOM! a grenade exploded and destroyed everything we believed in. And now we will always be living on edge; never believing we will reach that comfort level again.

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1. Anyone can become a betrayed spouse.

2. The affair is not your fault.

3. There isn’t anything you could have done.

4. You will never truly understand your WS’s choices.

5. You can’t fix your WS.

6. You have no control over the relationship.

7. Eventually, you will have to make a choice.

8. If you stay, accept that there is significant risk.

9. If you choose to leave, prepare yourself.

10. Not making a choice is still a choice

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I will always know that I am replaceable to her. She wrote to a friend during the affair that if she lived closer to her AP, she would rethink our marriage and possibly end it. That still hurts terribly. But I've accepted it, mostly. I have had to work on how I think about our marriage as a result, to live with that. To me she is not replaceable. If she betrays me again I may decide I have to live without her, but it is unimaginable to me that I could replace her with someone else. Completely unfathomable on an emotional level.

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What does a man do? A man provides for his family. They will always be his priority, his responsibility. And a man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated or respected or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he's a man.

I see a theme in waywards. How long am I going to have to pay for this crime? How many pounds of flesh will it take until you are 'over it'? The sad answer is the BS will never forget, never be completely over it.

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I never stopped loving her, which is, for me, what made it so bloody horrible.

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Women want attention, affection and admiration.

Men want honor, dignity and respect.

But an A is all about destroying Honor, Dignity and Respect.

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Today is the 5 year anniversary of Dday. I decided to write what I wish someone in my position had told me back then about reconciling.

1: It is will be MUCH harder to stay than to leave.

2: You will forever bear the scars of what has happened. Just like any physical wound, time does lessen the pain but there will always be a scar there.

3: Be prepared that most of the "work" that will be done will be done on your part. I think as the BS we are naturally more focused on what happened and why.

4: Know that you will have many moments that you realize YOU are the one that is changed profoundly forever by what has happened. The WS and OP (for the most part) go on living their lives. This was a hard one for me and my FWH to accept.

5: Its ok to grieve. Grieve the old marriage and the old person you were. In my case the A changed me as a person completely! Whether for the better or not, you are not the same person you were before. I personally feel like I am a better, stronger, person now.

6: This will be one of the hardest things you will ever go through, but remember you can deal with anything for 24 hours and if that's too much just focus on the next 10 minutes!

7: Don't expect that you are going to hear "I'm sorry" or have your WS bowing at your feet wondering how they can make it up to you every day for the rest of your life.

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My WW doesn't expect me to be emotionless. She expects me to only express emotions she can handle or that are positive from her perspective

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There is absolutely no consequences for WS's cheating if you are reconciling, and even if divorcing, the consequences aren't always there.

What I feel you may be seeking is justice. The sooner one can accept and process that there is no justice to be had for a BS, the sooner you can get onto the next step of healing and processing. It took me awhile to get there. It takes some time to accept that concept. I don't know why I expected any "fairness" in infidelity. Most of life isn't fair, why would there be anyway that infidelity could be made fair?

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This is the nightmare of every bs. That if we actually express how we feel the ws will just throw their hands up and give up. That if we don't heal fast enough they will say things like "maybe we should just split"

It's a fight. We have no confidence. We are afraid of being made the fool again

First of all, Neithan, many many great quotes from you. I feel inadequate in posting after you.

But I have collected a few that I copied and pasted to my desktop so before I hop on to SI.com, so I can remind myself of a few things before diving in.

These are all from posters here on SI.com, sorry for not being able to link to original authors.

But this is a different kind of monster, isn't it? Nothing works, nothing makes sense. We are confused. We cannot compute our way through it, neither can be sustain ourselves off of our exhausting emotions. It is not a battle but neither is it peace. So what do we do? We must try to quiet ourselves, in any way possible.

I KNOW it isn't my fault..

Marriage IS CONDITIONAL love. You love this person on the condition they "forsake all others", stay with you in sickness and in health, etc etc.

The thing that they can never, ever do is unring the bell.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

My therapist pointed out that anger is a secondary emotion - it generally hides an emotion that makes us feel vulnerable - masks it with something that makes us feel powerful. In my case the pain of WH's infidelity and fear of what it means for us as a couple makes me feel vulnerable, so I shout and scream and that makes me feel powerful.

There is an 'SI quotes' thread down in F&G, y'all.