SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

resentment about my weight

MRF - my H tried this on me too. But in my situation he could have used my obesity as causing him to seek out another woman. My self image was low and I had become morbidly obese. My weight was the one issue that he could use against me and I would internalize and accept the blame for his choices.

I am 5'5" and weighed ~140# on dday. I wore a size 4-6. He'd made snide comments about my weight before the affair and during.

Your H knows that your self image is tied to your weight. So he justified his choice to go outside of the marriage by placing the blame on you. The comments that your H made before the actual A, seem to indicate that he already had the mindset and was justifying.

Him mentioning my weight again in our most recent talks triggered my anger. But, now, I'm thinking he has a right to be unhappy about my weight---maybe I'm too sensitive? How can I help taking jabs at my weight as anything but a personal attack?

Since dday, I've lost a considerable amount of weight. I weigh 115# today. Am I ever going to be thin enough?

Please know that I am saying this from the perspective of a weight obsessed individual. I have an eating disorder that I have to fight each and every minute. So what I am about to say may sound harsh, but it is coming from a place of love.

YOU give your H the stick to hit you with. Do you shrink when he makes negative comments on your appearance? Are you constantly talking about your weight and being unattractive?

Am I ever going to be thin enough

?

Thin enough for who? This question cloaks the real issue; Are YOU good enough for him? It seems that you have feelings of low self worth.

IC and Group Support has aided me in developing better self worth. You want to become good enough for YOU.

BTW, early in my husband's LTA, the stress of our poor relationship caused me to use a familiar coping mechanism. He chose an A to try and fill his void and I chose food to try and fill mine. Over the first 5 years of the A other situations further added to my stress. My weight climbed! At that point my H could now justify to the world why he was with another person.

As I said before, I did the work on myself that would help me with my self image.

I am 5'5" and weighed ~140# on dday

You and I have the same stats. I take care of myself.I am a bad ass bitch. I walk with my head up, my skirts short and my heels high. I feel good about myself and my positive attitude permeates into other areas of my life.

Here's a funny...it purposely left a piece of clothing in his car for me to find. The sweater was a size...16/18. I later saw pictures of it and said to my H, "You said that you did this because of my weight! That thing is no petite waif. Stop blaming your shit on me and look at yourself". Your H should do the same.

I also am having problems typing a response that does not include profanity aimed at your idiot H. I would be extremely insulted to the point of telling him to go f*ck himself and anyone else he pleases because he is never getting my beautiful body or soul again.....He has NO right to be complaining about your body especially after having his child(ren) and if he is that superficial and shallow, he needs to get a job making millions so he can date supermodels (good luck there).

Like others said, it is all about him and his blameshifting and narcissism. If he wants a trophy wife, then he best be paying for one, which includes enough money so instead of working or watching kids all day, you can get to the spa and hire a personal trainer and chef and also the cosmetic surgery or facials that go along with all that.

ETA: My SO loves me no matter what. I've gained 30 pounds since I met him, and he has made it clear that I am extremely sexy no matter what. Because he is totally accepting of my body, I am working on losing weight again for me, not him, and so far dropped 10 pounds, and again, he doesn't care..he congratulates me but tells me whatever weight, I am the sexiest woman he has ever met and he can't keep his hands off me. You deserve someone like that.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:10 AM, August 8th (Friday)]

Thank you, everyone. I've read all your replies with tears running down my face. It's nice to have support.

Gonnabe2016--- I think you're right. He was comparing me to his AP and what she would do for him. After dday, he told me that she would do anything for him and if he sh*t himself in bed, she was so wild about him that she would eat it. Sigh. I don't like the taste of sh*t ( or at least I'm pretty sure I don't).

TheBestofMe----You made me see that my self image is tied to my weight and he knows that. It has been a pattern in our relationship that when we argue over something, he’d –out of no where and completely off topic---throw out things like, “You thighs are bigger than most grown men”. Comments like that cripple me and make me curl up and feel bad about myself. He told me that little nugget when I was upset that after getting married and graduating law school and moving to another town he still wanted to go out to the bars without me with his single friends. I’d hoped that he’d stop that behavior after college but I was wrong.

when we argue over something, he’d –out of no where and completely off topic---throw out things like, “You thighs are bigger than most grown men”.

Wow. What a gem he is......

Once you realize that the MAIN purpose for his comments is to hurt you, you'll be on your way to not internalizing what he says. Your WH is not voicing a legitimate complaint or concern, he's just being a cruel dick. And don't be fooled by a cruel statement that is given in a concerned tone of voice, either......Monster has said some of the most awful things to me while using his *reasonable, inside* voice, kwim?

You'll be surprised at how quickly you change from sobbing in the fetal position when he makes his blameshifting weight comments.....to telling him to go F* himself before he's even able to finish his stupid sentence.

Be confident in yourself. You are not *overweight* and you are an intelligent woman. Believe that and embrace it -- don't let his cruel insecurity break you down.

You made me see that my self image is tied to my weight and he knows that. It has been a pattern in our relationship that when we argue over something, he’d –out of no where and completely off topic---throw out things like, “You thighs are bigger than most grown men”

That puts a new prospective on things. That's worse then normal blame shifting. That's about control and degradation. He's found he can win the fight by throwing out school yard insults about your weight.

Immature and even more narcissistic then I thought before. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. We all know our spouses better then anyone. It's never okay to use that knowledge to tear them down. It's breaking one of the most sacred trusts we will ever be given.

Just know that his comments say more about him then they do about you.

What an ASS he is! I used to be very thin when my WH and I met. We have 2 daughters and both pregnancies were very high risk and I gained a lot of weight. I struggled with the weight gain and even with proper diet and exercise, I was never able to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. My self esteem took a huge nose dive! I was always worried that he didn't find me attractive anymore (even though he tried to assure me that he did). WS's aren't the only people with low self esteem. I struggle with that as well... But... I Didn't cheat!

Low self esteem is common in Wayward behavior, but the main issues are much deeper... FOO issues, compartmentalization, and boundary issues are more the causes.

Here I worried about my weight for so long (225 lbs) and guess what? The AP was A LOT heavier... Over 375 lbs!

He fell for her fake, insincere ego boosting!

So the bottom line is... His 'weight resentment' excuse is complete BS! He resented himself!

Edited to add: My WH was not able to 'control me' I am much too intelligent to allow that. I am a very independent woman, he knows that and has expressed several times even pre A that my intelligence and independence were a few of the things that he was attracted to. The AP is a needy, woman with extreme low self worth. My WH was able to control her, get her to break up with her boyfriend/baby daddy and got her to perform oral on him without him giving her anything in return. Complete Control issues!

[This message edited by LdyD at 9:35 AM, August 8th (Friday)]

TheBestMe has a great response. You are perfect the way you are. Don't let him do this to you. He's messing with your head. Be strong!

I saw this yesterday and couldn't even form the words to respond. That is awful on about a million levels. Here are a few of them:

1- his affair has nothing to do with you- he's lying

2- your weight is perfectly healthy, and actually quite thin, if he says you need to lose weight- he's lying

3- to use what he knows is your sore spot as his target when insulting you is heinous- he's disgusting

4- gaining 13lbs over several years, and a pregnancy or two is completely normal, if he implies otherwise: he's lying

5- I have an inch, and 15 pounds on you- my ribs are visible if I put my arms up. To me, this is size is slightly underweight, if he says otherwise: he's lying

6- the real benefit to working out in your situation is just to get a few endorphins, if that isn't his understanding of why you should work out, he's lying

7- he's just an ass.

I'm thin and good looking and my WH cheated me with a fat woman. Does it make any sense to you?

A cheater is a cheater. Stop measuring your weight. If you like to lose weight for your health or yourself do it. Don't do it for him. You owe him NOTHING. HE has to do the hard work and cut the crap.

My H would comment abt my weight DURING his A and I even asked if he discussed w her. He said he resented I didn't excersize and care for myself for him. Bc he was.

Well, he's the kicker. He was chicly, bald w man boobs and a hairy back until 9 months before A, during his crisis stage, he joined a gym and worked on body. The OW worked out often and as I told him, I don't dump my kids off on others to focus on me. We don't hv family to watch kids. My kids r my priority not my appearance. (Well, now I'm doing something/// for me. Gym. Buying nice clothes etc)

Ironic. I loved his bald, man boons, hairy back chunky body and he decides he's getting in shape do I should? I don't think so

I'm going to echo Melian40's reply. I was fat. I embarked on a lifestyle change, lost 60 pounds, tackled a new fitness routine...and stbxh started f**king the chain-smoking, bar hopping, sloppy drunk used up co-worker. It didn't make sense then, it doesn't make sense now. You are not too sensitive. A cheater will cheat and a liar will lie. Your WH is just scrambling to cover his own ass

The other night I was curious as to what exactly it was about OW that got WH to do such an awful thing, what were the magic words that got him to break his marriage vows. He looked me straight in the eyes and said it wasnt her, it wasnt anything about me, it was HIM. It was all about him and where his head was. It was a lightbulb moment for me. Dont listen to your WH try to blame you in anyway. He is just blame shifting. Your WH needs to look in the mirror and own his shit.

Even without the A, even years before it he acted like this? Oh honey this guy is emotionally abusive. Period. Why oh why would you ever want to be married to that? He is so not worth what you have to offer. Dear God. Just about anybody else would love you better than that. That is just mortifying.

(((SMSA925))). (((Mr SMSA925)))

What a truth filled response here AND a courageous act of ownership within your M! And so early into your journey.....well done you!!!!

My wife's AP is older, double chin and belly. She chose him within 1 week if seeing him. Both of them had their "selfish pumps" primed and ready to pump when they met. Wife was not seduced, he was not tricked. What they were were two willing and eager participants in it for themselves.

Adultery, like all sin, is at it's core singularly selfish. GQ has famous celebrities on its covers that are married to beautiful super model wives and seek out crack whores to have affairs with. It is so true when it is said Taft affairs are not about the BS, not about the AP....it is strictly about the one person choosing it.

As my wife talks about her affair it is nothing but what she was getting from it....no mention of what she was doing for him. This is the mutually agreeable state that must be established for adultery to take place. If true caring for another were a part of it it would die instantly. It would because you would not help a person you "care about" destroy so much of their world and themselves.

Painful hardly covers what this trial if trial is.

Keep plainly in mind the reason your husband is doing what he is regarding your physical body is the same reason my wife listed out my "faults" as she pleaded to her friends why she did what she did......to avoid owning the consequences, the reality of their choices. My wife is owning more of her shit as time and work go on.

Keep also in mind that often times a wayward is very use to controlling their environment. Felt they see in total control if their A and their spouse. Confidently and aggressively. Asking decisions that satisfied all their needs I. What ever ways they desired. As BS's recover from the shock and accept the truths.....the WS sees that the control they thought they had was just like their time in affair land....a fantasy.

Look for your husband to ramp up his destructive, blame shifting behavior as you continue to grow through mans past this.

He controlled his choices, but he does not control his consequences.

And THAT truth scares the shit out of him! This same truth will free you from his manipulation. Your post is proof positive you are questioning NOW that which you would have accepted as a truth THEN.

A sure sign of growth and change.

Waywards hate change....because that often times means pain and conflict. Your husband liked having both the comfort you provided him AND the treats that he took from his AP.

2 yrs of therapy.....see my relationship with my wife in a much more authentic light now.

This is painful but necessary. I have things to work on too. But it is not stuff that was on the "list of faults" my wife compiled to justify her choice to have an affair.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:48 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

Even without the A, even years before it he acted like this?

It is something.....to step back and look at the past 2 years. To examine all that has been brought into the light from over 100 therapy sessions. To see just how little I was settling for and accepting from my M. F CoD tendencies......

Adultery really is just the fruit of a way of coping with life. Under investing and placing faults on the BS is a common trait among waywards.

Adultery is not a result of a broken M. A broken M is a result of a persons ability to chose adultery.--current therapist.

In my sitch....this type of M was agreeable to me. My brokenness fit nicely into my wife's brokenness.

I suspect the same is true for many.

Even our love letters while we were just dating are laced with clues as to the path we were on. Actions and choices my wife made while engaged soooo elude to her future A. Further supporting the truth that my interaction with my wife did NOT cause her to choose adultery. That which is broken in her was there before we even met, as was my brokenness.

Caution: this does NOT mean we married the wrong person. To infer this would be to shuck OUR responsibilities....or use these now easily identified clues as reasons for D. Healthy thing to do us take responsibility for our respective pasts and work from as honest and authentic foundation NOW to at our M's. If he continues to use any part if you to justify his selfish choices....he is effectively saying "I am better than you and won't really start R until you get yourself equal to me".

Keep the faith.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:06 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

I wanted to chime in with my experience.

Growing up my father was attracted to super skinny women and would criticize my mother about her weight. She was tall and a size 12 and I grew up thinking that she was fat. He was would also comment frequently on my weight and how much I ate, calling me "hollow leg" and "Pittsy" (for bottomless pit). I was very active and very thin, but developed an eating disorder. He never has cheated on my mother, but just this week our MC used the term abuse about this behavior.

My H has never acted his way, fortunately. His OW was fit, but it wasn't about her and he always knew that. She would accept any sort of behavior from him, but he found that the opposite of attractive. The second thing he said after Dday (after he said that he didn't love her) was that he didn't respect her. The fact that your H found it appealing that his OW would potentially demean herself for him is disturbing to me. I think he has a lot of work to do.

The only thing I will say is that I do like to occasionally dress up for my H. He is the one I most like to look good for. But, as a triathlete, I spend most of my free time in work out gear so that only goes so far!

Hopefully you realize by now that you are not the problem!

OMG, he sounds like a complete jerk !!! I really have an issue with men who say anything about a woman's weight.

Thanks, everyone for the insight and support.

You've all helped me take a look at what I've accepted in my marriage and, as strange as it is to me, since dday, I've found that I keep questioning "why do I deserve this?" and "why do I have to put up with this?" and finally I tell myself, "I deserve better."

I recognize that I've accepted this behavior because this is how I grew up. We moved around a lot---I went to 17 different schools, 4 different high schools by spring term of my junior year. When I was a teenager, my dad would tell me to act like I didn't know him in public if we'd run into people he knew. He was ashamed of me. The most hurtful memory was at age 10 when he told me in his kind voice that I wasn't pretty ---but, he kindly told me and patted me on the knee, that was ok. Seared into my memory. I was shocked. Had actually never at that time questioned rather I was pretty or not.

Anyway, fast forward to college and my meeting my future WH--it's not that surprising that my life has come to this.

But---how do I fix this? How do I fix me? How do I demand more for myself? Help.

I recognize that I've accepted this behavior because this is how I grew up. We moved around a lot---I went to 17 different schools, 4 different high schools by spring term of my junior year. When I was a teenager, my dad would tell me to act like I didn't know him in public if we'd run into people he knew. He was ashamed of me. The most hurtful memory was at age 10 when he told me in his kind voice that I wasn't pretty ---but, he kindly told me and patted me on the knee, that was ok. Seared into my memory. I was shocked. Had actually never at that time questioned rather I was pretty or not.

((((((Hugs)))))). My wife experienced some hurtful comments about her size. Like you, she is right in the middle of healthy.....comments were nothing but mean said from a source of pain (I guess) in another.....but causing life long struggles.

I had a 10-50 minute "hands on sex talk with my parents at age 11. Therapist calls it abuse.....still working in that. Point is.....that brief but shocking and hurtful event set into motion coping skills that got me through painful shit as kid but f'ed with me bad for the next 30 years. Actually, I didn't fully remember the events of that day until about 1.5 tears into weekly therapy!

Shocking isn't it? How something so short in time period, Such as my sex talk with parents and your dad's short statement to you, can set us up to believe such lies for decades.

Also something how much pain we all seem to have and how the pain of betrayal from adultery seems to roll around and collect it all into one big nasty hair ball looking thing.

Therapist said this is because the other pain we have managed and justified into beat little unwrapped, unhealed packages. The pain of adultery is uniquely strong and breaks our "wrapping skills" completely. A healthy process known as shattering.

Man......I am annoyed today that I have all this knowledge and wisdom....and still have so much pain!!! Ugh.

😊

Okay.

Think you know now that both your dad's comments and hubby's comments are hurtful lies used to make themselves feel better. Disgusting lies.

I have two daughters. I am committed to nurturing them as best as I can and ask God regularly to help me do better! It is unnerving to see how a short, selfish statement can hurt them so deeply.

Keep the faith. Your harvest WILL come. Keep sowing and weeding.

God is with us all.

Please remember you are going to be OK. You can get through this. Don't lose anymore weight. Take care of yourself and your health. My H's affair drove me to stop eating do months. I lost a lot of weight and then got very sick. It has taken me months to get my health back. Please do not do that to yourself.