SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did go talk to a lawyer today.

He basically said that he believes I need to decide to accept this man's behavior and stay in the marriage or decide to divorce him and file.

He said he doesn't think telling WH I will divorce him if WH behavior doesn't change will ever change his behavior.

That's a pretty bleak opinion with no hope.

He said something along the lines of, 'Decide you will be all right without him or accept his behavior.'

I, honestly, don't think a lawyer can determine whether your WS (who he has never met?) is trained to pass judgement on your marriage. IMHO

You must be willing to walk away if you draw the line here. I have heard many people on this site, that once they showed their WS's that they intended to do what they said they would do that is when the WS seemed to smarten up. BUT, some won't change no matter what. So, know your course of action. Be sure you can follow through and then do what you know you can do. If it's walking away, then you must, honestly, be prepared to walk.

The only way I know to get more info is to use a voice recorder in the car. I would have to 'weed' through a lot of conversations ... most likely because he is a consultant and talks a lot when he is traveling ... but it might be worth it.

This is your best option.

There is no rush, this has been going on for months, it can go on for a few weeks more. Put the recorder in the car, take the time to listen to his conversation with her, and I can just about guarantee you that you will feel more strongly about either being OK with his relationship with his "best friend" or be adamant that there be no contact with her ever again.

I was cheated on several years ago and I also am married 20 years. My wife can all the male friends she wants, but if she does, then she can't have me as her husband. Granted, my wife never had any close male friends in her past so getting rid of the few male facebook friends she had was no big deal for her.

Once the voice-activated recorder is in place, tell your husband, "remember the time you said that if I was uncomfortable with the relationship with your 'best friend' that you would end it if I asked you to? Well, I'm really uncomfortable with it and I'm asking you to end it. Given that you cheated on me a few years ago, I find that I just have a hard time with it." If he pushes you further for "why," just stick with that. If he tells you he needs a few days to think about it, tell him OK, that's fine, take a few days. Bring it up, but don't push it AT THIS TIME.

Then wait a day or two or a week and check the voice-activated recorder. You will have your answers.

I know nothing about v.a.r. - just have seen on here that people suggest using one.

Do they beep for on, off or running out of battery?

Which one is good?

Will it record when the radio is on in the car? (He listens to the radio all the time.)

He drives like a race-car driver ... so if I just put it under the seat it would sling out when he whips around a corner.

How do you secure it so it doesn't sling out and get discovered?

Where can I buy one? I order a lot of items online - but this I wouldn't want him to be home when it arrives.

devastated -

Thanks for pointing out that the lawyer isn't really qualified. He did make a lot of sense and I know that he sees a lot of these kinds of situations.

I definitely won't 'threaten' divorce. If it gets to that point I will definitely file and I definitely will go through with it if our marriage can't be healthy. I want a loving, caring and fun marriage.

I would love for this marriage to work but I also am not going to stay in a messed up marriage forever. (Laughing at myself here ... it has been 20 years.)

I wish I could say he has changed a lot during our counseling, Retrouvaille, church, etc. I know he has changed some and he believes he has changed A LOT ... but overall the important long term patterns are the same. We are still in debt (yet AGAIN.) We still manifest angry and grumpy attitudes almost all the time. We don't have shared interests. We argue and bicker a lot (about really stupid stuff.) We don't seem happy at all.

Sometimes I wonder why I even want this marriage to work because I want us both to be happy and I am really thinking about that lately ---- I don't even know if we've ever made one another happy.

We do have a great sex life ... that's a big plus. He has a great sense of humor. We used to have lots of enjoyable conversations. (Now we usually have tense conversations about money, pets and kids.) We used to enjoy taking trips together. (We are now bound to the house by pets.)

Lots to think about.

[This message edited by fromthisdayfwd at 5:06 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

You can buy the var in any large chain department store that has an electronics department or any electronics store. You have to secure it somewhere, possibly under the seat, with heavy-duty velcro. Some of them make noises, you have to read the instruction manual to keep them from making noise, and also you can buy a cheap pair of ear buds and cut off the listening piece and plug that into the earjack on the var. Don't go overboard with fancy features, you just need a basic model that records and plays back. Long battery life is a plus.

You can try it out in your car first, drive around with the radio on, leave it there for a day, see how it works and what it picks up.

Yeah the lawyer should stick to the laws and helping you understand what can and can't happen with a divorce.

He isn't a therapist. He probably hasn't heard the stories or seen the things people on this site have.

Take everything he said that was non law or divorce related, especially what to expect from your husband as far as committing to R and let it flow right out of your head.

He's the expert on law, not what it takes for R.

So now you understand your rights and what you can expect to come out with in the event of a divorce?

BtrydWife ~ thank you. I didn't get really any legal advice.

I know what I would expect from a divorce ... and that is about it. Very glad I didn't pay anything for the consult. Lol ....

He has told me twice that if this friendship were to ever make me uncomfortable that he would end it.

This is your entree into the conversation. A simple, "I don't know why, but your ongoing relationship with a female 'best friend' makes me uncomfortable. You said that if it made me uncomfortable, you would end it." I wouldn't go into any details. If he asks, you can simply say that you aren't comfortable with him having a woman as his "best friend".

Cheaters don't get to have girl "best friends" ....

He has told me twice that if this friendship were to ever make me uncomfortable that he would end it.

This is your entree into the conversation. A simple, "I don't know why, but your ongoing relationship with a female 'best friend' makes me uncomfortable. You said that if it made me uncomfortable, you would end it." I wouldn't go into any details. If he asks, you can simply say that you aren't comfortable with him having a woman as his "best friend".

Cheaters don't get to have girl "best friends" ....

Until Then ~ Yes, I agree! He shouldn't tend a relationship like that with someone who isn't me!

I accompanied him on an overnight work trip. It was really good for us to hang out together. We talked nearly the whole drive there and back home, too. I talked to him about his 'friend.'

He 1 - listened.

He 2 - talked.

He 3 - said he would end the friendship (I didn't ask him to do so) because I and our marriage mean more to him than any friend.

He 4 - said he understood that I have no reason to trust him in a male/female relationship and that I have ever right to expect it to stop.

I am hoping and praying that he really means what he says. I placed a VAR in his car. I have not seen any calls to/from his friend since he has been gone for three days. I am anxious to make sure the VAR is actually recording (when I was testing it I actually turned it off trying to place it in my van for the testing time.)

I am also anxious to know if he went and got a pay as you go phone or found an app or something else to communicate with her off of our phone record.

I plan to ask him tonight if he 'ended' things with her. If he says he talked to her ... I know he is either lying or he found a way to keep it off our phone record. Or ... he sent text messages which he should be able to show to me.

BTW - I don't like the VAR I purchased. I most likely will be returning it because I don't think it has the ff feature I was expecting.

I thought it would ff while you can still 'hear' the sounds - so I could identify the difference between him talking and just listening to the radio.

I am afraid I will be listening to his radio a lot. Ugh.

It looks like I will also get the 'thrill' of listening to a conversation with his mother, if I so choose. (She hates me.)