SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know a lot of people advocate killing the FB account entirely, but I will go against the grain and suggest that you need not go cold turkey entirely. I had a big problem with facebook, but no longer.

After my last D-Day and subsequent mass-removal of "friends" by my BW (rightly so since I was FB friends with a few women she met in the neighborhood), I went in and deleted a load of stuff - I didn't realize just how many pictures of alcoholic drinks and me drinking said alcohol there were ("Churrs!") and all the likes I got on them. I mean, that wasn't all there was, but I thought about the example I wanted to set for my son and I took the time to get rid of them all. But then, a lot of what else I posted seemed fake, so I deleted those too. Pretty much left with nothing.

I signed in for a while and all I found were crickets. So I stopped for a while. Now, 6 months later, I realize that there are still relatives and a handful of people I want to stay in touch with, and my neighborhood has a group with lots of information and activity, and I also like the news feed and there's some legit stuff I want to keep up with. Not to mention, I like seeing what my BW is posting. Some days I can get a reading on her general mood by what she posts.

So anyway, during my A, the other couple and us had a secret group and right now My BW is still FB friends with AP's H (despite my feelings on it, which some of you know) So even though I have him blocked I can see there's 2 likes on something she posts and when I hover over it, it changes to 1 like. That's a glitch (and there are some others) that are a side effect of having blocked people.

My point is this:

Is FB a huge trigger? Definitely. Does it cause a lot of problems? Definitely.

But, before you run to the hills I'll throw my 2 cents out there and say that the key is awareness. If you like FB, and it has some legit uses (which it does), then closing it all down is overkill in my opinion. Don't reply to people asking personal questions, block those you need to block, don't overshare, don't use it to seek validation and check how many "likes" you have, and get rid of all the "friends"/acquaintances whose lives you're not a part of in the real world.

There's no reason to live forever in the Fortress of Solitude and cut yourself off from everyone you've ever known, just be (a lot) more mindful and limit the time you spend in FB. It's a good test of your new and healthy boundaries. Again, just my opinion.

Duh,

SoSorry, I am sorry.

I'm closing my Facebook account along with all my other social media

Good answer. Maybe later, when the shitstorm dies down you could re-open an account w/SWAT. He doesn't have to appear/post, but you could open a *family* page.

[This message edited by 5454real at 2:26 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]

One of the toughest things for both you and SWAT is how public it all is.

A pretty common reaction to all this being public would be a deep feeling of shame. Shame is a powerful emotion - and a destructive one. For such a proud man like SWAT it would be almost unbearable, and I am sure it makes your job infinitely harder as well. Are either of you discussing with your IC?

Just a thought.

I'm sorry if there is some confusion. The comments on my Facebook where not conversations I was having. They were messages from "friends". Guys I had spoken to about gardening, farmers markets, horses, chickens, etc. It is just NOW they are sending comments about my looks and stuff.

20Wrongs. I'm angry at the flirtatious nature of them. But I'm also angry at myself. Because seeing them now is upsetting. Before my affair I would have joked about it and probably replied with some risque comment. Just enough to play along, IYKWIM. Now I see it for what it is, ego strokes and fishing. While BH and I did talk about it this evening, he brushed it off. He said he had seen them, he has all of my social media and email on his phone and he gets notifications on just about everything. He said that since I didn't reply before and he saw my responses today, he was alright with it. He said a lot of things about it and he doesn't care what I do. He is going through a lot, I know this better than anyone. I'm just trying to be the best person I can be, making better choices, being transparent and honest. We haven't really "talked" about the marriage in a while. We still have a scheduled court date in just over a month. A while ago he said that he hadn't made up his mind. He wanted to try and see how thing went. He said he had decided to be "undecided at the moment". Which I can easily live with, his choice and decision. I can't do anything about it and it is his right. I've made way too many decisions for him without his input and with disregard to his feelings and needs.

It is very difficult on him and I can honestly say he has been really good about all of this. He could have been really nasty, but he hasn't. While he does get angry and upset, he never really directs it at me. He makes his point and moves on. I read about how some BS act and the things they say. I want to cry, because sometimes it seems that I've done the same and often worse, but I don't get "abused" like some waywards. According to him I am not stupid, I'm not a whore or any other derogatory name. Naive is about the worst thing I've heard in a few months.

The kids seem to have leveled out the past few days. No major blow outs and DD has been spending more time with him, without attitude I might add.

BH has his good and bad moments. The LODD recently really shook him up, I've caught him just staring into the distance and I've actually startled him when I've gotten his attention a few times. He's kind of "flat" again, normal and to be expected, Right?

On a lighter note. My tat is done, last session was last evening. BH kind of had a sad smile and said he liked it and it is beautiful. I LOVE it, covers the old one (major trigger for both of us) and it really is beautifully done. We have MC..later today. Lots to discuss I think.

Thanks for the update, SS. I admire your bravery. I say bravery because some of us WS's can't face reality or own up to our transgressions...and take the cowards way out, like I did. It should be simple for us to do the right thing, right?

But when your mind works the way ours work, there is this constant pull...the need for validation, the kibbles that help us get through the day, and give us that sense that we are worth something and we're wanted.

I was in denial for so long. I refused to believe that I could be wrong about anything. It's unfortunate for many of us to have to hit rock bottom to really understand the magnitude of our betrayal. And then throw in the withdrawal from our AP's and it's a tough situation to overcome. For me, my affairs were the worst of addictions. I threw everything away because of my addiction.

Thanks for posting updates. It gives those of us who haven't completely dealt with our issues some hope. To see someone who is in such a difficult situation rise above it, it gives the rest of us hope.

I'm angry at the flirtatious nature of them

Yeah, I'd inferred this, but refrained from jumping to conclusions. Because that's an old MO I refuse to perpetuate.

I encourage you to start catching yourself when you feel angry, and analyze the situation. Ask yourself, "What thoughts are creating this feeling?" Because you're saying...

I'm angry at the flirtatious nature of them

In other words, "How dare these jerks be sending me messages like that?!" Am I right? Well, it's actually quite normal and expected for them to send such messages, because...

Before my affair I would have joked about it and probably replied with some risque comment

It's irrational to be livid when men are merely responding to you in a way you've previously accepted and encouraged. I'm not busting your chops here, I'm recommending that next time you feel upset about something...you stop. Instead of looking for an external cause, look within you to determine the source of the upset. In time, if you want to, you can stop giving others the power to anger and upset you.

I'm also angry at myself. Because seeing them now is upsetting.

Upsetting, because it's an in-your-face reminder of your porous boundaries and the disrespect with which you used to treat your M. To you, and unfortunately, to your BH.

Well, we had a MC session yesterday. I was hoping to get BH to open up a little bit. The MC knows about most of the thing putting stress on him. It started out alright, but BH quickly shut down again. The MC kind of started getting mean to him, I told the MC to stop. BH just walked out and didn't say a word. MC said this is the third session and SWAT isn't opening up, so MC thought getting him a little angry would make him talk. "Pffft..wrong idea. He is already angry and hurt." MC apologized to me and said it was obviously a mistake and she would go and apologize to BH. Didn't happen though he left the building and went to work. BH did text me saying he is done with all therapy. It is just pissing him off.

This morning was ok, he seemed to be in a decent mood. We took the kids riding lessons and talked a bit. I asked if his ban on therapy included his PTSD therapy. He said no he still needs that. After a while I did get him to agree to reconsider MC, MAYBE some time in the future. He strongly emphasized the maybe.

20Wrongs. Your entire last post. You explained it perfectly. While I was angry, it was mainly at myself. Because your absolutely right, they did have a reasonable expectation that I would be receptive. My normal reply would have been some coy thing, a wink and other crap like that. Because it felt good to be "desired" and get the ego kibbles. It is just texting with someone I'll never see, so there isn't any harm.

Definite wayward thinking. The anger comes from knowing that I've always known that. I wouldn't want to be treated that way, so it isn't right I would treat BH that way. But I did. I allowed myself to change what I know it right, so I wouldn't have to feel bad. But the bad I feel now, the absolute worst. Because you know there is going to be some pain. Otherwise you don't try to justify what you did. Pain isn't enough to describe what really happens though. Pain hurts, but infidelity destroys, it kills and suffocates the BS.

My BH hasn't left and we may or may not make it. Either way, I have to live with the knowledge that I did what I did. My actions have forever changed my relationships with BH, my kids, my family and all of our friends and neighbors. I will always have the knowledge that I ruined a very good person, because SWAT on this day is a totally different SWAT from before. That is just another thing that can not be fixed.

[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 1:38 PM, September 13th (Saturday)]

I don't know much about ptsd, but I expect that it's not just the frightening triggers, but a boatload of emotional issues. And besides the ptsd (from combat, from being a LEO), he's been traumatized by the double betrayals....and this part is probably huge, the insanity that the AP displayed, in public, ensuring that all and asundry knew of the affair. And the real fear that he was capable of harming anybody in your family.

That's quite a boatload of crap he has to deal with, and each incident piled on top of the other.

I suspect that IF the affair were the only incident he had to deal with, and assuming you were as remorseful as you are, you two would be much further along the path to recovery.

But it is what it is! He has to process and come to peace with each of these situations. It's going to take longer than you would like. And, there is still the possibility that he will decide that as much as he'll lose by divorce, he would hope to hold onto a bit of his sanity and dignity.

Whatever befalls your family, you must never stop the new path of self-discovery you are on. In the end, when you've got it all figured out, and have practiced your new attitude for some time that it is natural, you will discover what life (and people) are all about. Bigger joys await you when you reach that place. I do hope that it is with Swat by your side. The over-whelming group of posters here seem to want to see your family intact again. It'd be great for the kids to have both Mom and Dad ever present in their lives...but remember, if it doesn't work out many families can work successfully separate if both parties are committed to making the process work. I'm sure you two would make sure that happened.

So, even the worse that could happen, a divorce, your life will go on. You will have grown as a woman, and you will be happy again.

And the best that can happen, Swat comes home, is able to get the help he needs to process all he's been through, and becomes a happy (albeit changed) man.

Affairs change us. But if we grow from the process, the change can make us better people.

I agree with you, get off of social media for awhle (or forever). I don't like it too much myself. Too time-consuming. Too much me me me. I know, there are some pages that are more benign, but my preference is to stay off them. My kids opened a FB page for me. I rarely pop in. Get all kinds of alerts in my email inbox...so and so's grandson did this today I'll wait till I have my own grandchildren before I get interested in "today she ate squash". LOL

[This message edited by JanetS at 10:13 AM, September 14th (Sunday)]

It really may be too soon for MC. I know you both want to move forward constructively in the marriage, but other work may still need to be done.

That the MC is trying to make him angry---well, first, he already is. But pushing his buttons to elicit YOUR desired response in MC? Not cool. Not cool at all.

It's not about getting this man to do what you want. It's about promoting healing.