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Apparently she was the one to initiate physical contact but he was the ones to set up every single meeting after that. She knew what buttons to push though and he fell for it so easily

I hate my life

Some he was the pursuer, some the pursued. It just depended on how attractive he found the woman. Some of them threw themselves at him, his 9 month EA for example...she was begging him to do her at the next convention/event they would be at. His 5+ year LTA was 50/50. There have been women he aggressively pursued.

It really came down to which was going to be the biggest ego boost, feather in his cap, notch in his belt type of thing.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 9:41 PM, August 25th (Monday)]

With thing1 I think at first it was him pursuing. She's admitted basically handing him the playbook by telling him everything that was wrong with our M and with me. I think it may have turned somewhat later though. She told me she tried to end it several times, but he kept "luring" her back in. The oldest emails I found between them it was deinitely her though. It was about six months prior to dday and she was ending it. A whopping three days later he was "luring" her back I'm sure when she sent him a "can we still be friends" email.

With thing2 it was definitely him doing the pursuing though. I'm sure he saw her as an easy mark since she'd told him about her A with thing1.

Still don't know the full story, but I do know that he would take off his wedding ring whenever he wasn't around me, so that makes it his fault in my book. AP didn't know he was married either, and that's all on him too. He said his ring "chokes his finger."

I know they met on campus (he's a full time grad student) and he was going to help her buy a car (he's also a car dealer - full time job) but I'm not sure how it happened from there. I guess it started out as an EA and then PA, but don't know for sure. He also said "she wanted to put a label on the relationship but I kept saying no because all I could think about was you."

Oh, he was pursued-- Eagerly and shamelessly, from the get-go. OW was so obvious about it, we all thought it was pretty sad and would joke about it often.

Still, though... if I'd had a lick of sense in my damned fool head, I would have given it a little more thought early on. She was/is in an open relationship, and despite not being a spectacularly attractive individual, has never found herself lacking for sex partners. She is, to sum it up, very convincing-- And when faced with a pro like her, I'm afraid that my WBF was the one to finally cave and "initiate" physically.

It is fascinating the majority of BSes here have WSes that were pursued rather than the aggressor- maybe those spouses are more able to try to R instead of D. In my case it was the opposite, though I don't know what his BS would say, as I know I can't trust him to tell me the truth about their conversations given his history of lying even to his wife.

Reading everyone's stories makes me think some of the WSes must still be lying or at least slanting the truth to look less guilty; which makes me assume my exMM is likely doing the same... which annoys the hell out of me- I regret the A and tell him so when the topic comes up, he responds with outrage, claiming undying love, cherished memories, and honesty throughout (at least with me). Till the A I never realized that cheating would make the cheater look like a selfish asshole no matter how hard they work at damage control after the fact.

My XWW was definitely the pursuer, she was a online sex goddess on CL and AFF.

BSB

My wife was looking for attention. He gave it to her. They both are equally responsible, she was pursued, encouraged it, he pursued.

I watched the kids.

all she did was give him her cell number

2 days ago I went and bought clothes, was waited on by a younger woman, who said she would call me when the alterations were done. All reasonable, after all, I do have to pick them up.

Then, she gave me her card, with the store numbers. Still reasonable, except she wrote her personal cell number on it, and made sure I knew that, and made a point to tell me that I could call or text her.

She doesn't know this yet, but she has my wife's phone number...and my wife has her card as well as the entire story...I told my wife to tell her I said thanks for the help if she calls...and if she texts, to feel free to act like it is me who is responding.

It is all about boundaries, I enforce mine, WS's usually don't have them to enforce, and don't know what to do responsibly when intrusions or invitations occur.

From what I can tell from the e-mails and texts I have found she was the pursuer, initiating conversations about the 'dreams' she had about him and maybe if they went out for drinks 'her dream would come true', telling him the day she fell in love with him, asking him to come and see her, telling him how much she misses him, texting him first, figuring out alternative ways to communicate like Instagram. He, of course, did not turn any of this down and told her how brilliant she was for figuring out talking on Instagram. He refuses to say who was the pursuer and says it 'just happened.'

Oh, my WH pursued. OW made herself available but he invited her to go away for the weekend, kissed her to get things started, asked her to meet him every day after work, and after it finally ended, begged her to meet him again when she was in town and I was gone.

It disgusts me every moment. I used to think it was her pursuing my WH but learning the truth broke me completely down again. Literally brought me to my knees with the pain of it.

He noticed her beginning to care more about her hair and nails and her taste in music changed, I suppose to match my xWH's preferences.

The OWs, husband, when I talked to him, said he noticed something similar.

His wayward wife was suddenly going to the spa more often (spending her husband's money to look good for my husband), but she was ONLY looking good on the weekdays and week nights, (when the two would meet for sex).

Conversely the OWs husband said that on the weekends she dressed like schlub and never went to the spa on the weekends, when he and she were spending time together.

So, he said he was a little confused by that, but never thought it meant she was cheating.

The Ow had told her husband she was meeting girlfriends, when she met my husband, so he thought she wanted to be competitive with her girlfriends on girls night out and that's why she went to the spa first.

I could see that the OWs husband was really annoyed by the fact that she was spending his money at the spa to look good for an affair partner.

His face got so red when he talked about it, I thought he was going to pass out. Poor guy.

Although my husband never blamed the OW or said she was the pursuer, it is clear in the emails and texts the computer expert resurrected that she was the pursuer.

She was also matching her tastes to that of my husbands. Everything he mentioned he liked, she suddenly liked.

Also and weirdly, everything he mentioned that I LIKED, the OW suddenly disliked. Hmmmmm!

Also, when my wayward continued to resist her suggestion for a sexual affair, She invited him to a strip club for a Christmas gift. She bought him a lap dance. And she amped up the sex talk in the emails and texts.

Anyway, it does help some that I saw that my wayward at least attempted to keep it as just a friendship. But she was incredibly aggressive.

And, also that he did not attempt to place blame on her.

It did annoy me at first because it seemed like he was trying to protect her, but now I realize he was just taking responsibility for the affair.

My wh was pursued. He did not put up boundaries. he wasn't looking but he was open. Mow saw that. Mow purposely went after another married person. It disgusts me.

Wh other cheats...after mow. Those he pursued. His excuse is he was drunk.

My realization...he was a entitled, selfish a**hole. Pretty much sums up the mow.

His one night stand he still won't completely fess up to..I don't blame her. I do think she's a slut though. What kind of woman meets two strange men at her job at apple B's.gets off work meets them at a bar then takes them home. Gross.

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 12:22 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

1st time, WBF pursued. Came to his senses and married me. 2nd time, 24 yrs later, he was pursued by same MOW. After some serious boundary breaking, he backed out of the situation because "he didnt want to go back there".

OW was psychopathic pursuer. Waited till vulnerability presented itself and then she tried (unsuccessfully) to destroy a family.

Wow - that describes the OW in my case too. But - my WH made the decision to have sex with her. Yes, she was very manipulative and promised it was "just sex". Then when he stopped it she decided I needed to know. Not sure whether it was to hurt him or breakup a marriage.

Having found letters that detail the A, OM was the pursuer. WW put up some resistance. The crumbling of her walls is an interesting progression to read... particularly as she approaches her decision to "go for it". Day by day, even hour by hour, there were steady incremental steps - - usually 2 steps forward and 1/2 step back - - building up both the need and internal permission to actually cheat.

Initially, WW was both surprised and a little offended by OM's forwardness with a married woman. She actually asked rhetorically whether the rings on her fingers meant nothing to men. A few weeks later, the rings meant nothing to her.

My WH was pursued, and that was part of his justification. That she started it, so wasn't as guilty. So yes, she have him a letter first saying she was interested, but he wrote back. She asked him to meet up, he played hard to get, but he went. She offered sex, he said "okay". He could have shut it down many, many times. But that was his game. He wanted to be pursued. He wanted her to beg. So he kept "trying" to break up, so she would chase him.

Duplicate post!

[This message edited by Chinadoll30 at 11:42 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)]

I'd say it was 50/50. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't have perused OW unless he knew she was receptive. She gave off some serious vibes that she was open to the affair. Knowing she was interested it was game on.

For OW 1 porn star/stripper, he started talking to her while she was dancing on the stage so he pursued her.

For OW 2 exgf, he contacted her so he pursued. He told me he wanted to contact her and I okayed it. Of course he wasn't honest about his intention and if I had known he lied to me regarding their past I would have said no.

We were friends with my ex and his wife. Really, honestly, platonic friends. We had dinner together about twice a year. He thought he could do the same thing but he wasn't honest about having unresolved feelings.

For OW 3 coworker, I think it was a mutual effort. It was over the top, past Brown's house flirting. They both had poor boundaries and just happened to cross paths.

My wh tried to tell me several times that even though he knowingly behaved in an inappropriate manner, it would never have turned pa with #2 or 3 because that would be inappropriate.

I'd say it was 50/50. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't have perused OW unless he knew she was receptive. She gave off some serious vibes that she was open to the affair. Knowing she was interested it was game on.

Same here. My H initiated the first kiss and the first sexual encounter, but OW had been throwing out vibes that she was receptive. One thing she did was let him know there wasn't much sex in her marriage by showing him a magazine with the cover story, "Dual Income, No Sex" and declaring, "That's my life." When I pointed out to FWH that this was a giant hint, he was incredulous. He couldn't believe (a) that she was in any way manipulative, and (b) that that was an invitation.