SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So what's a non-asshole response when a girl says to slow down?

An apology, as well as showing some respect by, well, slowing down.

Sometimes it's hard to determine whether a guy just wants instant sex or instant sex+relationship or if there's a genuine attempt on his part to build a relationship.

Generally, if a guy comes at you with loads of flattery, then pushes sex, he's not in the third category.

Well, the guy I'm with now (and this is a LDR, so added logistical issues) we waited a whole five minutes upon meeting, but we had hours and hours of phone calls, texts, emails and all that ahead of time. We just cut out all the preliminary activities that lead up to it.

But doesn't the sexual attraction usually happen first? The emotional stuff comes later when you get to know the person.

No, I think half the time the emotional stuff comes first and then the sexual attraction.

Either one can happen first.

Im really struggling with this one.

I met a girl..I really like her, but wow..she is moving really fast, and Im just not there yet. Im afraid I will lose her though if I dont pick up the pace.

Codependency kicking in?

I instantly feel repulsed if a guy comes on too strong too quickly. I'm not really sure why

Because you don't want to be bulldozed into physical intimacy before you are emotionally ready. That is okay. I won't allow that either. I have to be emotionally linked before I am okay with sex. The very few instances where I had sex before I had built a strong emotional link were TOTAL disasters, because sex bonds me and I don't make as good of a decision as I should. So I learned to make the emotional link first, and if someone pushed too hard for the physical, NEXT! I'm worth the wait, and if they are just looking to put another notch on their bedpost, I'm not the one for them.

The SO I am with, he showed he was interested in me for a year before I agreed to date him. We have a huge age gap and I wasn't into dating much younger guys. But he was so respectful about it...he NEVER pushed. I would try to set him up with other girls, and he would say things like "well, maybe, but you know who I really want to go out with...." and I would say "that is really sweet, but you know I can't date you." And he would say "I know, but I'm glad we are friends."

And that would be that for maybe another month or so.....so there wasn't any heavy pushing and he never made me feel uncomfortable because his comments were just small, fleeting comments. Just enough to let me know he was interested if I was up for it. He respected me. The only time he pushed a physical boundary I didn't even notice! We went out with a group of friends, I drank a bit too much , and he and I were dancing when I guess he brushed up against something he wasn't supposed to, and he apologized. (I didn't even notice.... yeah, drinking, yeah....) But it made me respect him more that he apologized and didn't do it again. I respected him because he showed me respect.

When we finally started dating, although he can be aggressive physically (which I like), he will totally back off if I'm not feeling it and let me take the lead. He NEVER pushes for more than I am comfortable with. At this point, I am pretty much ready any time he is, because he has shown me that although he is super attracted to me, he is in this for my heart. I feel valued and respected. That makes all the difference in the world.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:49 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]

I feel valued and respected. That makes all the difference in the world.

Maybe that's what has changed for me. I used to have positive thoughts/feelings about sex, and now my thoughts/feelings about sex are related to feeling disrespected. It's not really a conscious decision or thought pattern on my part though. It's not like I sit there and think "this guy made a move so he must disrespect me." It's more instant, almost unconscious.

I've had a moderate amount of partners in the past. Most were serious relationships, but I had a one night stand and some casual FWB's. I never viewed sex as dirty or wrong, and I generally enjoyed sex. Now.. sex seems more base and dirty to me I guess. I want it, but then I feel disgusted when I'm in the situation.

Maybe it's a respect thing. Maybe if I meet someone who makes me feel respected, I'll be more open to that part of intimacy again.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:14 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]

Here's a theory.

It sounds like a catalytic fear reaction (I just made that phrase up.). The sequence,,which is happening instantly in your mind, goes something like this:

Sexual advance = closer to sex

Closer to sex = Closer to intimacy

Intimacy = fear of being hurt again.

Therefore, sexual advance = fear of being hurt again, and your reactions are due to this.

Here's how I think of it. Sex is very costly unless you are purely mechanical about it. Most people (especially women?) create a bond with sex. Bonding with the right person takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. Bonding with the wrong person takes even more. It's easy to be cavalier about the hidden costs when you are young, it gets harder to rug sweep those costs after they have been made plain to you with some difficult experiences.

It sounds to me like you value your mental, physical, and emotional body more than ever and are not so willing to take a careless risk with something so precious.

In the end it's sexy to value yourself and ultimately leads to way better lovemaking.