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I am in a weird spot here. I have an ex girlfriend(from over 7 years ago) who is going through their own break up and had reconnected with me after hearing I was getting a divorce. I met her last night and it was the first time seeing her in a VERY long time.

She was still as pretty as I remember. The physical attraction was there, and she had matured so much since we were together (it is why I ended our relationship). But, she was an ex for a reason. It was weird...she made it clear she too knew we could not pursue a relationship. But she kept telling me how she missed me, and how she wants to spend time together and just enjoy one another's company. Then she makes a move on me and tries to get physical. I wanted to because I knew I would at least be able to forget about the pain of my stbxww for at least a few hours. I just wanted to be happy and feel good. I wanted to be enjoyed by a caring woman. But I didn't. I was honest with her and I politely ended the evening. I had no idea how to explain it to her...all I said was "I want to be with you tonight so much that it worries me. I feel like I need it and that scares me. I needed my stbxww and it nearly killed me. I don't want to need any woman again. It has to be a want for me." I don't know if she understood what I meant by "need."

I went to bed and woke up and the first thing that I thought about was my stbxww's bullshit she has pulled since DD, and all the pain associated with it. At that moment I wished I had let this other woman stay over.

Is it true??? Is it true that one of the best ways to get over a woman is to get underneath another?? I always thought this was bullcrap. But I don't know now.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 1:55 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

There's a double edged sword to this. It is HIGHLY inadvisable to do this so soon after your split, as you are masking your pain and using this other x to confuse and taint your healing process.

That's not to say down the road IN AT LEAST a year if you have done work on YOU to heal and are ready to play ball that it won't help at that point. But THIS SOON? IMHO recipe for disaster and added drama.

I know just what you mean. I want to be in a place where I no longer feel the pain from my stbxww before I get that personal with someone else. I am glad you posted that HurtingandLost. It reinforces my feelings for ending things last night before they got more physical. I still am dealing with so much damn hurt. I just want to deal with it and be done.

First, sorry you had to navigate that situation. You have to trust your gut and it doesn't sound like your gut is ready to delve into a relationship - even if it is a purely physical one.

From my own experience, I have put myself out there since I separated when I felt I was ready to do so. The first person I was with sexually after separation was fun, enjoyable and showed me a lot about recovery. However, when we ended it a month later because of everything I was trying to get through divorce-wise, it became pretty damn painful. That showed me that I wasn't quite ready for that type of relationship. I have since been out with other women, but have a better grasp on how far I want to take those relationships and determining what I am ready for.

If it doesn't feel right, than it probably isn't. However, I will be completely honest with you regarding your question about getting over my STBXWW through sex - my encounter with that first woman definitely helped me transition away from my STBX. Regardless of how healthy that is, it is what it is.

DepressedDaddy - I can just imagine how painful it would be to end things, regardless if it is just physical. I also get what you mean by it helping you transition. I know this woman would be a good experience and enjoyable. I think if I went through with it, it would be purely selfish and self-serving for me. I also think it is okay as long as she really gets what this means. But, like you said, it can hurt later on. I appreciate you telling me as it is.

Don't even go there at this point. Using an ex is not the person you want to be. It doesn't matter if "she really gets what this means". She's going through a break up too, so she's apt to make stupid decisions for the wrong reasons too. Be the bigger person. Do the right thing.

lieshurt -

Thank you. My gut kept me from going through with it and I am going to continue to listen to it. regardless of how difficult dealing with all the pain from by stbxww is, I won't patch it up or fog it up with a temporary distraction. Also, there is real motivation in wanting to reach a point when I am healed and no longer feel the pain of my stbx. This alone makes it easier to make these sorts of decisions.

First let me commend your self-control and knowing yourself well enough to not get caught up and go there. The ex things gives me pause... I don't know if going backwards is a great thing after getting out of a long term relationship, though sometimes it feels easier because it's someone who already knows you and you don't have to start from square one. For me being out with other people when there was a romantic possibility has been too weird. It makes me feel good and then I'll swing back to missing my ex. It's hard for me because I really miss having someone who knows me so well, and who I really felt comfortable with. I'm finding it daunting to start all over at square one with someone new, but I think that might mean I still have some healing and disconnecting to do for myself before I start trying to be with someone else.

I think your gut answered the question for you. It doesn't reAlly matter whether this other woman feels bad about it or not. You weren't ready to do anything physical with this woman, or any other woman, and you knew it.

So congratulations for being honest with yourself and her, and not just falling into bed because it would feel good. On top of doing the right thing for yourself you demonstrated the sort control none of our waywards were able to.

"I want to be with you tonight so much that it worries me. I feel like I need it and that scares me. I needed my stbxww and it nearly killed me. I don't want to need any woman again. It has to be a want for me." I don't know if she understood what I meant by "need."

Huge kudos to you for your honesty and for how far you've come already. You are very self-aware right now, and that's amazing.. You are making decisions that are best for YOU and doing what YOU want to do. (Don't listen to any moronic friends talking about getting underneath a woman to get over another one. What a horrible saying, barf..)

You recognized that this was a "need" for you, and that's great that you realize that it should be a "want." Sometimes I have that "need" too, where I want to be loved, held, appreciated, etc.. I think it's the typical "I don't miss my ex, but I miss my life, my hopes, my dreams, the plans we had and what my life was supposed to be.." Some silly fling isn't going to give me all that back..

You are absolutely right that being with her would have been for the wrong reasons, and probably not healthy for you. It's codependent to "need" someone.

I had a few "flings," but they don't make me feel any better. They kind of make me feel worse. They make me feel like a wayward, even though I wasn't cheating.

Sex and love to me just mean so much more than the physical, and it's actually really cool to me to have a man speak to those kinds of wants and needs too, the emotional ones.. You give me hope to find a good man JM

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 10:40 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]