I struggle immensely with this feeling of fear. I betrayed my spouse with a co worker and while I chose to leave that job, I continue to work in the same field. Every day I come home wondering, fearing what will be waiting for me or not waiting. My job has become the source of so much animosity and resentment but has also been the main source of our families income since DDay. I know that by my actions I should not be graced with the comfort of having my children everyday. Or sitting at the dinner table with my family.
I am afraid too when I feel the fear dissipating. What does it mean? My spouse suffers severely from trauma, mind movies, triggers, angry outbursts, you name it. I have been the subject of so much name calling and belittling I almost don't even know its happening any more. It has been 2 years and some, if not most, days are as if it only just happened.
I want my family together so badly and yet it is my actions that have torn our home up.
Yes, everyday is fear. Fear of loosing all I've truly ever wanted, fear of not fearing, fear of not being able to show my changes in the way my spouse needs.
Its nice to know others are here too.
