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t/j

KingsJ, I'm sorry if my comments upset you. That was not the intent. The intent was to let the original poster know that if in their situation 50/50 really won't work, you can say no and negotiate what will work. In my case, I did the right thing. At this point, I have the kids 99% of the time. I did not block him or refuse to let him see the kids. He cancelled most of it. I"m glad I refused, and got him to see that he couldn't do 50/50 in the first place because of his work hours so I didn't have to go back to court later.

I don't want to take over hopefulmom's thread, but I'd be happy to talk to you by PM if you want me to explain why I refused. Believe me, if he worked different hours and could have been home in time to feed them/get DS to his events, I would have gone with it. It was from experience that I knew I would have to be available every night, even if it was his night because of sports that I refused. We didn't even really fight about it...I just explained it to him, and he agreed with me that he couldn't do it. Now, 5 years later, he's the one cancelling and rarely seeing the kids although he texts them daily. It was his choice. I did not block him from seeing them.

The courts think children should have equal tine with each parent is such a joke.Even if that parent has cheated, lies and has no morals.Over my dead body. That's what is wrong in todays world. NO consequences. My ex didn't want 50/50.he moved right in with the whore.If he did, he would have a fight on his hands!

personally i think default 50/50 is wrong. to me it sounds so much more about equal aprents right rather than childrens best interests.

how can moving homes every week be good for a child? maybe when kids are older - like early teans and they like it - maybe then.

otherwise, i think is very unfair to kids, they suffer for their parents selfishness.

Dmom, I hear you. I would send u a private but I don't know how (pathetic I know).

Like I said, I'm not judging, and I appreciate your point of view, too. I'm just frustrated and struggling with my situation.

I also agree that courts should try and see the whole picture, but from what I've read and experienced every single courthouse, every single judge/magistrate handles things differently. And in the cases I've seen being female carries much more weight than having clean morales.

I personally think if the mother is the true caregiver, a selfish XH will let you take the children the majority of the time bc he wants the alone time more than the CS. This is probably a good thing. On the other hand, I think when a sole-provider male wants the children, it is an uphill battle against a selfish female because of the money involved and the way most courts (in my area) are biased for the mother.

I just hope my children get through this ordeal without significant permanent damage, and that is what I'm working toward.

(((MelisssaZZZ))) So you think I should just give up the children to their mother instead of fight so I can spend every other week with them?

I would love to have full custody, then I could actually afford child care. The reality, however, is there a very low probability of me getting full custody. So I should just settle for minimal time with my children and let them be raised by this person that betrayed and abandoned them (until she got a lawyer that explained CS) for their benefit?

Kingj, I'll PM you so you can learn how. lol Look for a little note up the top of the forums saying you have a message.

I agree with you; the courts do make it an uphill battle for dads that are the main caregiver. I also agree I wish courts could look at each case individually rather than cookie cutter answers. I have never liked "zero tolerance" or This Is The Answer! type answers for any situation.

slight T/J, I don't think kingsj can get PM's yet because of his post count. I could be wrong though. I know there are or used to be restrictions on what you could do prior to reaching a certain post count.

Back on topic, I have 50/50 custody and in my state custody does have an impact on CS. My XWW sucked as a spouse but she is a "decent" parent. We alternate weeks Friday through Friday. The 50/50 works for us. My advice to hopeful is to document who actually has the kids for the forseeable future. That way if you do end up in court you can pull out your documentation and show that your WH either did actually do 50/50 or never got the kids at all. He needs to put forth the effort. He is responsible for his relationship with the kids from now on. During my weeks I do everything for my kids. All appointments, school, shopping, feeding, etc... I act as if XWW is dead, technically she is not dead but as far as I am concerning she is to me. She treats me the same way and I am perfectly okay with that. If we need to speak to discuss the kids or something they need we do so. I don't have to like her I just need to coparent effectively with her.

I am not advocating for or against 50/50 just saying track it because there is no such thing as fair in divorce. If he does get 50/50 and you feel it's because he wants to lower his CS then track it and you can go back and petition the courts to raise the CS and show that he is not honoring the 50/50. If you want more than 50% then have your lawyer ask for it. Your WH may agree. It's sad but D is one big negotiation or business deal and your time with the kids is a part of the negotiation. For some 50/50 is a best case scenario and for others it's a worst case scenario. You know your situation best. You know your WH best. You fight for what is best for you and your kids.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:23 AM, August 15th (Friday)]

I would love to have full custody, then I could actually afford child care. The reality, however, is there a very low probability of me getting full custody. So I should just settle for minimal time with my children and let them be raised by this person that betrayed and abandoned them (until she got a lawyer that explained CS) for their benefit?

^^^Kings, you SHUOLD fight for custody of your children if that is what you want. In my state 50/50 is the norm unless one spouse can prove the other is unfit and it's pretty damn hard to prove that. What usually happens is one parent doesn't want the responsiblity or one is trying to manipulate the system for CS reasons. Each case is unique and you know your situation best. Don't get discouraged. You have every right to fight for your time with your children. Get with your L and figure out what your rights are and fight based on your situation. Each of our personal situations color how we read and react to posts. How we go through the D process is often emotional when the the legal system is anything but. Emotion evokes thoughts of fairness, righting wrongs, and payback but the legal system is way the heck over there as far away from emotion as possible. Hell, it isn't even "fair" most of the time but it is what we have. You do what's best for you and let your L guide you.

My kids go back and forth each week and yes it's an adjustment but that is life. Again life is not fair. My XWW made some choices that impacted many people, my kids included. Each situation is different so you fight for you and your kids. You are your own best advocate.

ETA: Hopefully I didn't come off like an ass and I didn't intend to TJ but both you and hopeful should fight for what YOU want for you and your kids.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:20 AM, August 15th (Friday)]

I know several people who have 50/50 and it works fine. So much depends on your kids, and how well you can work with/count on your ex.

During mediation my XWH asked for 50/50. I refused, and the mediator pushed back - but a that point we had been separated for almost 2 years. I had kept a record of when he had actually taken them (we were going on a self-imposed EOW with two dinner nights on "off weeks" and one on "on week". He took them about 40% of his scheduled time on that schedule - and was significantly late (and hour or more) for 30% of the ones left. When the mediator saw that, she backed off (as did XWH's lawyer who was apparently *shocked*)

My kiddos were very small - so I agreed to two "reevaluation points" where we would renegotiate on time sharing. When the first came XWH said his time was fine (we agreed on LESS time then he had previously - based on the actual time he had taken) The kids didn't really fit with his lifestyle.

I'd keep track of when he actually takes them. If he's a good dad, and will actually keep them 50% of the time - then I don't think it's a bad thing (as long as your kids can handle it)

personally i think default 50/50 is wrong. to me it sounds so much more about equal aprents right rather than childrens best interests.

how can moving homes every week be good for a child? maybe when kids are older - like early teans and they like it - maybe then.

otherwise, i think is very unfair to kids, they suffer for their parents selfishness

.

Many kids to very well with it. I think its short sighted to just assume children "suffer" in this arrangement.

I have 50/50 custody with my Ex. He is a very committed dad. I probably end up having our son about 60/40 due to him opting out on some nights b/c of work load (supposedly).

Our boy is 3.5 and this is all he's known as we separated when he was 1.

We alternate every 2 or 3 days, generally. He is always very happy to go to his dads, and very happy when he comes back to my place. The only issue we've ever encountered is occasionally he'll want a toy that he has taken and left at his Dads, but even that he seems to accept it and be ok with it. He is extremely happy and loving.

My point being, its wrong to just assume children are "moving homes" every week and "suffering" in a 50/50 arrangement. I initially had majority custody, and Voluntarily agreed to 50/50 when XH requested same, as I felt it was the right thing to do, as he is just as much a parent as me, and my child deserves to be with both equally.

If problems ever arise with XH's parenting, I will go back to court to change it.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 11:44 AM, August 15th (Friday)]

I understand that every situation is different. I am just thinking that *I* would not want to live 1 week in one place, another in another..

Therefore, I am skeptical all the kids would like that.

I don't think I would like to live in one place one week, and one another. However, if each place was "home" to me, fully furnished with all I needed, I don't think Id be suffering and I think it would not be so bad at all. I think Id be suffering a lot worse living in 1 home with 2 parents who disrespected each other, OR living with 1 parent and rarely seeing the other. Its not like he has to pack up all their belongings and "move" each week. He considers both places his home.

Im just saying, using words such as "suffering" and "moving homes each week" doesn't really describe the situation of joint 50/50 custody.