SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I sent AP a short note today. It was totally weak of me, and fueled by anger and hurt toward my BH. I may have done it because I am just about done with this marriage. Started my morning with being screamed at that I am a fucking bitch and that I fucking suck and that I have no empathy and that I probably have NPD.

BH has long standing anger issues. The last two weeks our MC has strongly encouraged him to seek out individual counseling, which he refuses. Instead, he is running to makers mark. It is very confusing - seems like due to my wayward status, I should suck it up and accept whatever comes my way, but I don't want to live this way.

No one here will believe it, but I have been TRYING MY BEST to be comforting, to do all he asks, to show compassion, to fix myself. He is sucking my soul. I feel no love for him.

Sorry, I just had to confess and vent. Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am.

No 2X4. Just ask yourself...

Even without your marriage, is the AP someone you really want?

Probably not. Keep that in mind as you try to maintain NC.

Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am.

Did you contact him out of spite?

Are you planning on continuing contact?

I'm not going to tell you how terrible you are, you know what you did was not good.

The real matter here is how do you plan to treat your marriage going forward?

Like something you want to keep or something you want to throw away?

Falling back into old wayward patterns is common when you are utilizing old coping mechanisms, is this how you've dealt with your BH's anger in the past? You're not at the point yet to see that if you're done with the marriage, you're done. There is no breaking the "no contact" or self destructive and passive aggressive moves to end the marriage. All you're doing is setting yourself back and throwing more fuel on the inferno.

Change isn't going to happen over night, and your husband is going to be angry for a very long time. No you shouldn't be accepting verbal abuse, but running to the AP every time your husband gets mad, you need to dig deeper to find out why you're doing that. As I said, don't sabotage reconciliation just for the sake of ending the marriage, you're only damaging yourself further.

Go ahead and tell me how terrible I am

You are not terrible. You need to work on better coping skills, self confidence, and self worth. Are you also in IC? Don't give up on you, for you.

There are members here who broke NC after over a year. Or, who took their A underground while playing the remorseful WS here on SI. So, no, you're not terrible. Admitting it was brave.

Did you tell BH about it? Maybe you're hoping this is the straw that breaks the camels back, and consequently he'll end the M so you don't have to.

Decide if you want this M or not, and act accordingly.

TK:

The aftermath of infidelity sucks. This helped my husband -- our MC said, "When you think that you are missing the AP, remind yourself, you are just missing the feeling that AP gave you -- not her." That turned out to be SO true. Even though we were all friends, my H barely knew the AP, really. It was the ego-kibbles and adoration she gave him that he loved. It felt too good to give up, until he went lower and lower and it took more and more to feel good.

It is like a drug - you are trying to go to your "happy place," because quite frankly, life stinks right now. But, it is like trying to drink your way through a problem -- it just gets worse.

Can you shut off whatever line of communication you had with the AP? (close the email account, block the #, etc.")? What are your plans, now?

P.S> I agree that you should tell your husband, but not while he is drinking.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:44 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]

I encourage you to tell your husband and show him the message. Plus any communication from the AP. I did this once and my wife needed to see it when I told her. Work with your spouse on this issue.

due to my wayward status, I should suck it up and accept whatever comes my way, but I don't want to live this way.

the suck it up part is for those that want to save their M. not this

I may have done it because I am just about done with this marriage.

you are only 6 weeks out right? My advice is to make full attempt for at least 4-6 months. then decide. I didn't even come clean for 8 weeks. So give it time. Come here to vent. talk to him about his yelling at you. You should not be abused. Although there is leeway in my book for the BS for a while.

He is sucking my soul. I feel no love for him.

This ^^^^^^^ is why you contacted your AP. TO FEEL LOVE. Guess what.....Love is an action not a feeling.

Hang in there.

This is really tough - I did exactly the same thing as you several times. Getting in touch with AP was my default coping mechanism when BH got angry. It's true what the other posters are saying - it's your way of coping and of making yourself feel better. Getting some positive attention.

You need to figure out what you want, which takes time. And NC!! Believe me, I speak from experience, without a good long stretch of NC you won't know. It actually took separation from BH for me to see what I really wanted to fight for.

It's difficult when you're living with anger and you have already lived with that anger before the A. You don't know if you're ever going to live without anger, especially now you have done this. I don't know what to suggest except AP is definitely not the answer right now. It's tough your BH is refusing IC - it helped my BH a lot with his anger issues.

Are you done with the marriage or are you done with feeling like shit? I have a feeling that it is the latter, not the former.

You're going to feel like a scumbag for a while. Your BH is probably going to think of you as a scumbag for a while. You destroyed him and made him feel like less of a man. Feeling this way doesn't give you a free pass to contact the AP.

You've got some work to do, some digging to do, and a bit of anger to put up with. Your BH needs to go to IC. Maker's Mark is just about the worst counselor in the world. If alcohol were a great therapist, there wouldn't be anyone in rehab.

I just wanted to let you all know how much I truly appreciate all of your responses. Each and every one if has been helpful. I told BH I was done and that I broke NC. He left work early and we cried and yelled for a couple hours. We talked about separating. We are going to continue as we are, not separating, and we are going to continue working toward reconciliation. I am in the waiting room for IC, so this message is not very thorough or well written.

It was brave to tell, good on you. Hope you have a good session with your IC!

Brave Tangled Knot! Way to go

..Hang in there. We're here for you. (Sounds like your H is, too.)

Well done honey.

My STBXH had similar coping mechanisms and he ended up giving upon us, only 3 months after disclosing more TT (2 months after his AP contacted him, something changed then). He didn't want to be that man anymore IYSWIM. With the AP and her friends, he could be someone else. But even though he's gone and we're D'ing, he is still that person and he knows it.

Now his attention seems focused on rebuilding his outward reputation/image and on passive aggressively bad mouthing me (which screams that he is unhappy with himself & is projecting that onto me,exp as I'm in NC with him apart from kids & money, & don't rise to anything). But he has done nothing towards fixing himself. And I suspect that's because he wishes it would all just go away. Because he doesn't want to face himself or what he's done.

He promised me that he wouldn't make any decisions for the first year. He broke that promise too.

Please don't be like him. Please spend time working on yourself,getting IC and really working at it (not lip service like my STBXH did). Maybe R will work for you, maybe it won't,but you will be able to face yourself and know you didn't run away. You will know that you worked hard and are a different person than the one who cheated, IF you do the hard work.

BTW, love can be regained in a M. I've seen it happen with very close friends of mine, but only with complete and permanent NC with the AP.

Choose loving thoughts

Choose loving actions

then good *feelings* will follow

TK,

When you wrote the letter, what was the one thing you were hoping to gain when you did it?

I feel like a huge failure this morning.

My decision to break NC was impulsive. I had no intention of doing it when I woke up that morning. I do struggle with missing him, and a lot if days I am white knuckling it. It's been increasingly hard, I think, because things between me and my BS have been increasingly bad. I tip toe around my house and cannot relax when he is around.

Plus, AP has had a huge professional win recently, and so his name and organization keep coming up in my email and in conversation with coworkers. I helped him with this accomplishment. So, I have been triggering at work. I think that led to my weakness.

What was I hoping to gain when I wrote the letter? I Think Dr Jekyll nailed it - I wanted to feel love. I am so low, so lonely, so ashamed; I hate myself. I wanted to feel good, but I realize it's like a recovering junkie who slides.

Softcentre, I don't want to be like your WH. I am so tired of being this weak person. I really, really want to change. I feel totally incompetent. Prior to my slip, I felt like I was doing pretty good. I haven't TT my BH.

I need hope.

TK, please know you're not alone. I have been in exactly the same place as you and I promise you, it gets better and it gets much easier. I have had real NC with AP for nearly 6 months now (I kept breaking it before for the same reasons as you) and it's fine, I feel stronger, I feel clear-headed, I feel like I am finally sorting myself out. Just hang in there and find something else you can do when you feel that urge to break NC. Whether or not you and your BH make it is a separate issue and one you can only understand when AP is totally out of the picture.

After the chemical reactions in our head about the AP go away we must realize that what we are remembering is more of a drug high that real love.

The chemicals are akin to opiates. As an addict I have to be on guard for thinking those false feelings were real.

I'm sorry you slipped, but it sounds like you can recover from it. Stay strong in this tough time!