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Pre A I never had a huge libido....I enjoy sex and think its great but my desire for it is not nearly as large as my BH.

After DDay BH and I did the hysterical bonding thing a few times but I put an end to it cuz I felt like it was confusing things even more. ...I would go to our home, have sex with BH and then go back to my parents house.

Since I have been back home BH and I have sex once a week or once every two weeks which is not nearly as often as my BH would like it. We constantly argue and fight about sex and it is only getting worse...its at the point now where I am frightened he is going to either D me or have his own A.

I have beeb trying to meet his needs....I try to cuddle with him, I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and sent him dirty pic even though I am noy comfortable with it. I have dressed up and surprised him and have randomly initiated sex a couple times. But its not enough and I am a disappointment.

I have written before that during my A my BH has said I was nothing but XAPs whore....and I agree with this. I have also told BH that often after we have sex I feel like I am just his whore....because once he is finished he gets up and leaves and does his own thing...all physical touch and contact stops after the sex has happened.

I know I am the one who destroyed my M and need to fix it now....his needs should be coming first...but it hurts me when his only physical touch with me is sex....it makes me feel like a failure and a disappointment, and that if I dont have sex with him he is going to get angry with me and sulk for the rest of the night.

Many times when we do kiss or have sex I panic because all I can think about is what is BH thinking about...is he thinking of my A and the physical things I did with xap. These feelings usually cause me to fight back tears cuz i dont want to cry every time we have sex (which I have done many times since Dday). I try to push these thoughts away but they continue to haunt me.

I feel like some times BH does things around the house only so I will give in and have sex and I dont think it should work that way....sex shouldn't be a reward for washing dishes, doing laundry, or other simple household chores that grown ups should be doing anyway. He should do it cuz this is our home and its his responsibility too, not just mine.

I also think something is wrong with me cuz I dont desire sex as much as I feel I should....but I am not going to pretend either cuz thats not fair to my BH either....he should be able to have his needs met and get as much sex as he wants...and this is another way i am failing him.

I apologize for the length of this and the rambling....I basically just wrote what popped in my head when it happened.

I have also told BH that often after we have sex I feel like I am just his whore...

What does your BH say to this? Does he agree? Disagree? How much sex is he wanting?

Our sex life has dwindled down to once a week, and more frequently, maybe every two weeks. I have 3 kids who are all in something, so I'm running them around, grocery shopping, cleaning, feeding. At the end of the day I'm exhausted. So believe me, there is nothing wrong with you that you don't desire sex as much as your husband. And there is nothing wrong with him desiring sex more than you.

I feel like some times BH does things around the house only so I will give in and have sex and I dont think it should work that way....sex shouldn't be a reward for washing dishes, doing laundry, or other simple household chores that grown ups should be doing anyway. He should do it cuz this is our home and its his responsibility too, not just mine.

My husband works long hours. He helps around the house, and does it so that I'm not so exhausted at the end of the day. I guess it's reward based, but I mean, if he's going to do the dishes so I can veg on the couch, I see it as a win win all around. He helps out regularly though, not just because he wants sex, so I can almost always count on him to do the dishes regardless if there is sex. Do you guys have that? Or you are just feeling this is the case, he only helps out to get in your pants?

Sometimes what we feel isn't what is actually really happening and there is just mis-communication along the lines. Have you told him about the triggers you have during sex? Do you know he's triggering during sex? Does he know you would like cuddle time or physical touch outside of the bedroom or after sex? You guys need to sit down and have an open and honest talk. Try to keep emotions out of it or blaming and approach it with an attitude that it's something you want to improve, not something that is a problem.

Hugs to you.

We have both communicated out needs and wants to each other many times...that is what is so frustrating....cuz we seem to be stuck in this ugly cycle.

His love language is physcial touch....he enjoys sex (as do I) because of the emotional connection and I understand that. But I feel his "physical touch" is mainly just sex or anything that leads to it....I can rub his back or hold his hand but it doesnt seem to work. I have told him about the whore thing and he has apologized but its hasn't changed.

Sometimes he does chores around the house....but more often than not it is all my responsibility. ....I ask him to do things but he says he forgot or didn't have enough time....and the times that he does do something housework I feel like he does expect a reward or praise for it.

I have told him about my ttriggers with sex also....I dont think he has them during it...if he does he hasn't shared it with me.

I don't know if you'll find this helpful or not but here is what goes on in my mind when sex disappears from my M.

First, holding hands, hugs, snuggling, those things DO matter to me a ton, but AFTER we've had sex recently.

When W and I go without sex for a while (about two weeks) I begin to wonder why I am not attractive, what is wrong with me, maybe me and W are really not meant to be together, etc. I try more around the house thinking maybe I'm not doing my part or not good enough somehow. The harder I try, and the longer we go without sex while I'm trying, I get very frustrated.

An important note here is that I am not mad at W, I am frustrated with wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong. Am I just some kind of huge loser and no matter what I do she won't have sex with me? What other conclusion can I draw?

When our M was in a sex drought, it often felt to me that the holding hands, hugs, etc, were my W avoiding sex by trying to meet physical closeness in other ways. Which just reinforced my belief that I must be utterly disgusting or something. I would think "God, I must be the most ugly disqusting person my W has known. What kind of loser am I that I can't get my own W to sleep with me? What kind of loser am I that the most she is willing to do with me is hold my hand?"

After sex, this all goes away. It kind of turns into "She really does love me! We really are meant to be! God I'm so happy holding her hand right now or that she has curled up to me before she went to sleep."

So that's an inside peek into my brain. Like you, my wife often thought I was upset with her or that she was some kind of failure. I was really upset with myself wondering why the hell I couldn't even bed my own wife -- a woman that has no legal, moral, or medical objection to sleeping with me must be objecting because she doesn't love me. That was my logic.

I wonder if your husband is feeling the same things.

His love language is physcial touch....he enjoys sex (as do I) because of the emotional connection and I understand that. But I feel his "physical touch" is mainly just sex or anything that leads to it....I can rub his back or hold his hand but it doesnt seem to work.

Was it always like that or is this a new thing since the A was discovered?

We have always argued about sex...its the only thing that we do argue about.

Saturn,

Thank you for the insight....from what he has told me it absolutely sounds like he feels similar to you. So now my question is how do I put my issues and insecurities aside so I can give my BH what he deserves to have?

I feel like I will do ok for a while and then I suck again...and even if I do do something spontaneous (like send pics or surprise him w lingerie) he appreciates it....but then automatically follows it up with what I should do next time. I feel like even if I try it is not good enough

I have come to realize the sex is a true need for my husband and I need to at least compromise on meeting that need. I have been working on getting on touch with my own sexuality in order to improve my drive for it. That said, if he left me feeling unloved, then it'd be pretty tough to put myself out there!

I think there is nothing wrong with expecting both of you to meet in the middle. How would he respond to--"if you want more sex then I need more (non-sexual touch, cuddling after sex, etc.)?" Okay, maybe don't phrase it like that...maybe say, "I love it when you hold me after love making; it makes me crave more." "When you hold my hand during the day or carress me, it puts me in the mood."

It seems to me that you two are stuck in a blame cycle, and I don't think things aren't going to improve appreciably until you both change.

1. Your BW is hurting like hell. From his point of view, you wouldn't give yourself to him, yet you gave yourself to someone else, which has got to make him feel worthless. He calls you a whore for what you've done, and he treats you like one after sex, tossing you aside with no after care at all. He's angry and resentful. He may feel justified that he's hurting you because you hurt him so much. But this is not the path to healing.

2. It sounds like your BH feels entitled to sex. Prior to DDay, my own entitlement feelings led me to believe that I shouldn't have to work to make my BW interested in sex. I didn't do the things to make her want me at the end of the day, or if I did what I thought was suffient work, I expected a payoff. When I didn't get that payoff, I resented it even more.

3. Like your BH and saturnpatrick, I felt a lot of rejection by my BW. (Of course she rejected me, see #2 above.) The rejection contributed to my self-pity and sense of unworthiness.

4. Fearing rejection, I stopped asking for sex. That put all the pressure on my BW to initiate. That left her feeling ugly and undesirable, contributing to the distance between us.

5. When your BH tells you what he likes, you take it as criticism because you feel inadequate. My BW and I had the same problem.

6. This feedback cycle left us both feeling unworthy. Our communication around this wasn't constructive. Neither of us felt like the other was listening.

MC could help you two with this impasse that you're in. I know I had a serious problem with cognitive distortion, being predisposed to seeing my BW in a negative light. (http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/0002153). I only saw the worst in her, and only assumed ill-intent from her words and actions. It contributed greatly to my self-pity and selfishness--or maybe the cognative distortion was a product of my selfishness, I don't know. Still working on that one with IC. Therapy, reading, mindfulness, and commitment to change has helped me. I see it as a critical part of my healing because my cognative distortion is part of what allowed me to have my A. It's a long process, and I know I have a long way to go to fully overcome this.

Saturnpatrick..

If my H could have articulated that as well as you did, he'd never of had an affair. It is exactly how he described that he felt. (Later.) I had NO idea. I knew sex was an issue, and he wanted it more than me....but he felt so low about himself after 20 years of low-sex. Makes me incredibly sad.

I'm in a similar spot - we actually did an open marriage for a time where it was only open for him because I couldn't meet his needs. It actually worked for us, but not permanently.

Our problem is really that we have mis-matched sex drives. I try to pretend mine is better so as not to hurt his feelings, but I can only put on an act for so long. Counting down the days every month to my period is no way for me to live.

We haven't figured out what to do - for now I'm acting as if I'm happy to have sex nearly every day, but in reality I dread it. It's apparent, he complains I don't act into it and don't put forth much of an effort. I don't know what to do either as we also never argued about much except this problem, and now it's a problem.

Add in my A and my BH now thinks that since I was wiling to have sex with someone else and the fact I slept with a few men before him, that I used to have this insatiable sex drive and I don't with him. That's not the case at all, but there's no convincing my BH.

It's tough. I don't have advice but you're not alone. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but let's face it - it's a major part of a marriage and it's not going to go away so open communication and honesty is the best bet. Like always :)

I also think something is wrong with me cuz I dont desire sex as much as I feel I should....but I am not going to pretend either cuz thats not fair to my BH either....he should be able to have his needs met and get as much sex as he wants...and this is another way i am failing him.

This is not correct. Don't beat yourself up like this.

In nearly every couple, the sex drives are going to be unequal. Just like a lot of other things will be unequal. Your BH isn't entitled to sex anytime he wants. There has to be a give and take. I believe that you both should try to compromise. If he knows you are making an effort to move the needle more to his side, he should appreciate that. If he gives you some space, and doesn't make you feel guilty for not being in the mood, I bet that you'll be in the mood more often.

In case you haven't figured it out, this is the situation in my M.

Finally, you are not failing anyone by being your honest, legitimate, purposeful self.

Hang in there.

Saturn - you have written exactly what I have felt - but better than I could have.

Saturn,

you articulated my life in my marriage better than I ever could. Thanks for adding words to my experience.

Question

why are you not into sex so much?

I am guessing CSA. have you shared this your BH?

My BS and I used to argue about this too. I wanted it all the time. and she felt like a "piece of meat" she did it anyway to try and satisfy me. It turns out that once I stopped watching porn and masturbating. This intense desire to sex slowed waaaaaaay down.

in the book "Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" they discuss the difference between men and women and peak hormone times and vulnerabilities. Men are more vulnerable before hand and women are more vulnerable afterwards. This is a very important fact. You need to set a healthy boundary on the time that he spends with you afterwards. He needs to be there in your moment on vulnerability so that you do not feel used. And I would encourage him to stop watching porn and masturbating. JMHO

Alyssamd24,

I think it would be a good idea to print your post and bring it to him and let him read it. Put it all on the table, total honesty. Let him know exactly what is on your mind so he will understand your concerns. He will most likely appreciate the fact that you are making an effort to resolve the problem especially if it involves increasing the frequency of sex. Pre-A, I would avoid conversations such as this. But now, through MC, I have learned that it is best to just come out with whatever is on my mind to my spouse. It has made such a difference and really works.

You might go back and re-read the chapter on Physical Touch in 5 languages of Love.

Physical touch does not equal sex. All men are wired for that.

Physical touch is my primary love language, the thing that brings me the most feelings of love is when my BS puts her hand in my hair around my neck. Also I now lay on her lap and she will stroke my back and hair. Holding hand is also important, as well as holding her close.

If you are doing these things and your husband thinks that only sex will fulfill the physical touch requirement then there MAY be a mix up in love languages.

The guy who wrote the book does talk about this.

Question

why are you not into sex so much?

I am guessing CSA. have you shared this your BH?

Alyssamd24,

Is there CSA in your past? Not desiring sex is not always an affect from CSA, but it is very common among survivors. And if you are a survivor, does your BH know? That would make things somewhat different and there are several books and resources you should be exploring together to understand how it affects your sex life, and help your BH to not take your low desire personally.

I feel like I will do ok for a while and then I suck again...and even if I do do something spontaneous (like send pics or surprise him w lingerie) he appreciates it....but then automatically follows it up with what I should do next time. I feel like even if I try it is not good enough

Alyssa -- you are not a failure if you don't know what your H is interested in at the moment. You will need to act as a team and part of that will be him telling you about his desires and what he likes. Oh, and you'll be doing the same

This is crucial. You simply will not know what he wants. You are not a mind reader. By extension, this means you are not a failure if your H suggests or tells you what his desires are.

Some guys are into certain positions. Some guys are into domination. Some guys like to be spanked? Look -- I'm a guy, and I don't have the damnedest idea what your H wants. How should you know unless he tells you?

And like I said above, how should he know what you want unless you tell him? Part of that for you may be identifying what you want.

Add in my A and my BH now thinks that since I was wiling to have sex with someone else and the fact I slept with a few men before him, that I used to have this insatiable sex drive and I don't with him. That's not the case at all, but there's no convincing my BH.

Startingfreshnow: I hope you don't mind if I ask you something because what you wrote above hit home with me and is one thing that is causing difficulty in my moving on with my WW.

Before my WW A, she never really was into sex. It was like that after our son was born. It wasn't that she hated it, it was more like she could do without it. However when she met this guy and her A began, she went nuts. It was like every week 2-3 times a week she would deliver herself to him at his house before work to have sex and nothing else. when he was done with her she simply left til next time. This went on for 4 months. After she got caught we had sex alot but now she is back to once a week or every two weeks. Again she claims my drive is bigger than hers and she is just not in the mood. I of course get her angry because I cannot understand why with him it was almost every day and she was always in the mood but now with me she isn't. She claims it was because I was her only one and it was new and exciting being with someone new. Me on the other hand see it as he turnewd her on and I don't. You seem to be saying what she is telling me, so That's why I'm asking for your thoughts. Sorry if I am going off course but I saw this and was just wondering if you have any thoughts. Thanks.

I hope I was allowed to post here. If I wasn't, I'm sorry and I'll delete it. I didn't see a stop sign and it seemed as if other BS were posting. If I was wrong , please advise. Sorry

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 10:43 AM, August 15th (Friday)]

99lawdog99 -

I will be totally honest with you and I hope I don't hurt your feelings. I can't speak at all for you WW but for me no, my BH does not turn me on the same way but it’s not because of what he does if that makes sense. He could physically do the exact same thing to me my AP did but it doesn’t turn me on the same way. It’s more of how I feel about my BH overall that affects how I feel with him sexually. The level of respect I have for him is major part (many things factor into my level of respect for him). Unfortunately the A brings down my sex drive regardless of what my BH does or doesn’t do. I feel like a terrible person and I feel ashamed. That does not translate into feeling sexy at all. It does the opposite. I also am disgusted with my body right now which doesn’t help. These are all factors that play into my low drive. I also will admit that my BH moping around being sad and needy is a turn off. I know this is something I need to get over. I need to woman up and take care of my BH’s needs, not “punish” him for his feelings. If I were him I’d feel the same way he does and I’m glad he shares his feelings with me, but I have trouble separating everything. It’s very complicated and I know I’m not explaining it well.

Bottom line is that I’m not attracted to my BH the same way I used to be or the same way I was attracted to AP and also that I just have very little drive due to other things completely unrelated to BH. I have no clue what CSA is but I get the feeling it has to do with a past sexual assault and that’s not the case at all with me at least. I hope I was somewhat helpful – sorry if I wasn’t.