SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't posted in a long time. Honestly, I stopped looking at the website because my BH thinks it is "crap". But today, this morning actually, I found myself looking here to help me gain courage, to help me dig deep and to help me push on.

A lot has happened since my last post. I have moved, my BH and I started a business, and I everyday work on myself and being the best me that i can be. On numerous occasions (besides today) my BH has told me he has seen a great change. It's nice to be recognized but at the same time its hard because i should have been better before!

It was a risk starting this business but i am all in him with that so i can't be afraid. I trust him but he doesn't trust me. He has the ability to basically ruin all i've worked for and ruin me financially. This is a risk that i am taking. I believe in him.

This afternoon we were talking about how he doesn't get this "feeling" from me and that i haven't been fully honest with him. He doesn't get that feeling because i haven't been. I have told him all the "events" and all the people that i was sexting but i left out a detail here and a detail there. Because I am the one that did this i have to pay the price. Today it came down to him letting me know he would ruin me if i didn't come clean. It took him to put me in a corner to get me to give him the last of it. He promised that he would love me even after i told him but it doesn't seem that that is how things are going.

He made a promise to me that it didn't matter what i told him that he would be here and the most important thing was the truth. I agree. I think i knew this was coming and thats why i came to the site this morning.

I have now told him all the detail, i have told him everything but he is expecting more. He thinks i slept with the whole world and wants to know about it. He makes me feel like i have to lie about sleeping with more people because he won't believe anything else. I didn't lie and i didn't make things up just because that is what he expected.

I can't be hurt and annoyed with him yet I am. He has since said he is going to phase me out of the company, hates me, and doesn't want to be married to me because there are prettier women out there. Also, we basically have a lot riding on a specific work contract and he said that if we don't get this one we are done done.

I am ashamed that I hadn't told him everything. Because I held off I made his head run wild and he is choosing to believe his thoughts and not me. I deserve that.

I also feel a sense of peace. His ultimatums have lead me to come to full disclosure. Its like a weight has been lifted. He can't use threats to get me to tell him anything else because it's out there. Does this make any sense?

Whether he doesn't want me involved or doesn't want to be married to me any longer I know that i have given him what he needs to make his choice. the full truth. I am at peace with knowing i have a long hard road ahead of me but i also know that i am going to do whatever i can to help him.

That being said - i have said "I" a lot in this post which is selfish but i needed to be able to share how i am feeling at this moment.

I am not better. I am not okay. But i feel like i took a step and crossed a personal threshold. I should have done it long ago but I am glad that i finally did it.

[This message edited by lostlove7 at 7:48 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]

Good for you that you finally came clean. Did you ask yourself why you didn't tell him everything sooner?

I was selfish.

Finally coming clean was letting go of my fears of him not wanting to be with me. Telling him everything was letting go of the control and knowing that i am doing all that i can to be better myself and to give him the chance to see that.

Things were bad and I told him little by little (which was even worse) and every time i would tell him something he would say that is it, i am done. He would say that he hated me and didn't want to be with me so i felt trapped like i couldn't let him in and that i couldn't let him see me. It's not on him that i felt scared to tell him the truth; its on me for not being brave and strong enough.

He knows now and I don't know where it will lead us...

The last thing i heard from him tonight was that he hates me and always will. He said that he is prepared to ruin me. I am destroyed when he goes off on me but i know it is hurt. What i dont know is if this is him giving up on me. I don't know if this was the final straw...but i can't control him. i can only give him the truth and support that he needs. I love him with all my heart.

I posted this on another thread, but it applies here too.

Keeping secrets is selfish behavior. Many of us waywards kept secrets because we were afraid that if our loved ones knew the whole truth about us, they wouldn't want us anymore. While that may turn out to be true, it's critically important that you face that fear of unworthiness, unlovability, and rejection and be authentic and honest with your BS. Only when you share everything can you truly begin to heal yourselves.

Your BH is rightfully upset. I've seen it written here many times that it's the TT that kills the M, moreso than the A itself. Only time will tell what becomes of your relationship.

In the meantime, keep working on yourself to try to understand why you were still holding back on the whole truth. You said you were selfish. Why were you selfish? And when you find that answer, ask why again. Keep digging. Finding these answers is key to you developing the strategies to constructively deal with those feelings in the future. You don't want to continue to lie, omit, or tell misleading half-truths. That behavior in one relationship becomes that habit that ruins all your other relationships, personal and professional.

Thank you for showing me that post, it is so true.

I don't know what will become of us but I have hope.

I have never given myself to anyone the way that i have given myself to him. It is sad that i didn't do it from the beginning but i do hope that the saying "better late than never applies".

Today he doesn't want to discuss anything with me. He doesn't want to hear what I have to say and he doesn't believe me. He says that all he asked for was the truth once and for all and that i couldn't even do that for him...I did that for him but he doesn't see that. The things i left out were important but not more sexual partners which is what he thinks I had. He thinks that I had slept with all these people but wont admit it. That isn't true. I can just keep telling him but it hurts that he says that was the final time he would talk to me about it. He said that was the last chance that i got and that i ruined it because i couldn't tell him all of it...but i did, FINALLY!

I guess time will tell...

Thank you for showing me that post, it is so true.

I don't know what will become of us but I have hope.

I have never given myself to anyone the way that i have given myself to him. It is sad that i didn't do it from the beginning but i do hope that the saying "better late than never applies".

Today he doesn't want to discuss anything with me. He doesn't want to hear what I have to say and he doesn't believe me. He says that all he asked for was the truth once and for all and that i couldn't even do that for him...I did that for him but he doesn't see that. The things i left out were important but not more sexual partners which is what he thinks I had. He thinks that I had slept with all these people but wont admit it. That isn't true. I can just keep telling him but it hurts that he says that was the final time he would talk to me about it. He said that was the last chance that i got and that i ruined it because i couldn't tell him all of it...but i did, FINALLY!

I guess time will tell...

At the end of today i feel like my peace is gone. i feel like the high i got from having a weight lifted off my chest has passed and i am facing what i have done. I have said my peace I have let him in and now I am not sure how to move from this place.

The hateful thing, the name calling, the threats are all here and i am having trouble just listening. I am having trouble hearing him even though i know this is coming from a place of anger and hurt.

part of me feels like i don't care what he says about me because i am working on me and being the best me is the only thing i can hold onto. then the other part of me is in distress because my husband says he doesn't want to be married to me and that he doesn't consider himself my husband.

he has started to hide things from me. he is not talking to me about him and his life.

he used to threaten to cheat all the time when he first found out. well, he did. now he says that he will continue to because i am shit and thats what shit deserves.

i feel like i am at a loss tonight and i dont know how to keep moving forward

I also feel a sense of peace. His ultimatums have lead me to come to full disclosure. Its like a weight has been lifted. He can't use threats to get me to tell him anything else because it's out there. Does this make any sense?

It makes perfect sense, but it doesn't last. It won't last until the deep work is done to set things right, not in your marriage, but in you.

The problem is that that feeling you got, of peace, of a weight lifted, was mirrored by an awful destructive horrible lack of same and a crashing weight coming down on him. All those hard words, all the threats, not to justify them but to understand them, are coming from a very terrible dark place of pain.

Not just pain, but pain inflicted upon you by someone that you love.

He needs IC to help him, you can only work on you as long as he is in this dark place.

His cheating is not justified by your cheating, his behavior is not justified by your cheating, nobody is "shit" and nobody deserves to be treated like "shit".

Part of your recovery is to understand that you must set proper boundaries, even your BS should not be allowed to violate them.

Keep working on you, put boundaries in place and adhere to them, enforce them, and you will heal over time.