SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was just talking to my BS about this again today because she doesn't believe or understand that this change in me is possible. But, for me, my association of the attention I got and the cheating that accompanied it to all of the incredible pain I have caused completely invalidates any attention I get from anyone. Outside of attention from my BS, any attention to me is now associated with self anger and sadness so there is no gratification at all.

islesguy - I wish I could say the same for me but I'm still in the fog and I'm not really remorseful yet. I'm still in a mindset where if I could do it over again I'd still have my A, I just wouldn't make the stupid mistakes I did and get caught. I hate that I feel that way, but it's the truth.

What are some things you do to come to terms that it's ok that you aren't important to some people? How do you work on accepting it's ok?

Has it occurred to you that, perhaps, the people to whom you aren't important also aren't important to you?

Your primary concern seems to be with the attention itself-- It's the drug that you crave. You're not concerned with the source, you're concerned with the drug.

Get pickier. Remind yourself--Hell, convince yourself so that you can remind yourself later--that what you really want is the good stuff. Stuff that actually matters. A "good" drug whose high will be better rather & last longer than that of a "bad" drug whose high will be overpriced and short-lived.

Seek out attention from worthwhile sources, people that actually matter to you(parent/spouse/mentor/best friend) if you're still so reliant on the attention-seeking that you can't do without it yet. Think of it as a baby step. Seek out attention from only those sources, because they're the ones that actually matter. Something I said to RMarred earlier today: I mean, really... If a stranger compliments you on your shoes, are you going to spend the rest of the day going "Oh hell yes, some random chick said she liked my shoes!" No. Her opinion doesn't actually matter. It's a "bad" drug, and you don't want that. Focus on doing good things that warrant attention from worthwhile sources.

Just my two cents, of course. I'm still pretty new to all of this.

my association of the attention I got and the cheating that accompanied it to all of the incredible pain I have caused completely invalidates any attention I get from anyone.

SFN, this is pretty close to my answer to your question.

I know that attention doesn't actually help me. In fact, it makes it worse. It really is junk food -- it doesn't fill me up, and leaves me craving more. Plus, it replaces actual fulfilling, healthy interactions.

The short hand is that now I know better. I either remember the negative feelings from doing that, or I just can say "eh, what does that do for me?"

I mean, really... If a stranger compliments you on your shoes, are you going to spend the rest of the day going "Oh hell yes, some random chick said she liked my shoes!" No. Her opinion doesn't actually matter. It's a "bad" drug, and you don't want that. Focus on doing good things that warrant attention from worthwhile sources.

Sadly, I actually DO go on the rest of the day with a little bit of that high because some stranger said she liked XYZ about me. The opinion of strangers DOES matter to me right now. I like your idea though of going to a "good" source instead of a "bad" source. I might have to incorporate that.

SFN,

Did your mother or father at a young age give you attention for things that you did well?

Did your mother or father at a young age give you attention for things that you did well?

Yes, my mom praised me a lot for the things I did well.

Yesterday in counseling he brought up attachment issues and I realized I think I definitely have some problems related to attachment. I don't know our plan of action for it, but at least that's identified.

I was wondering about this as well. How your mother was with you as a very young child.

As others on here I grew up in a way that I wasn't called out/punished for lies. I can remember lying at a very young age because it got me attention and I just never learned to stop. Even in high school when I should have been busted for drinking I got out of it with a lie, it just became a way of life.

Was your mother really engaged with you, I mean like she really invested herself as a mother with you?

Yeah, she did. She raised me and I was her life.