SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am overwhelmed by all the responses. I can tell you honestly that I am going to take your advice as the nice guy thing isn't working at all.

Outstanding! I know it is hard but an awesome move.

The OM is single. We were going through a tough time in our marriage and he was the guy that "understood" what she was going through. He works for her.

I don't want to read this again... her actions have nothing to do with the marriage. Infidelity is an addiction and needs to be treated as such. Marriage problems are separate... do not take any blame, nothing. Expose the affair to your in-laws, your family as well for support. Especially with women, exposure is a wake up call... that helps break or pause the addiction.

She is the one that wanted the separation.

Listen well.. she is taking control with this... separation means, they want a free pass and no one pestering them while they screw Mr. Fantasy. Separation is deadly and game over when the wayward requests it and the betrayed agrees. You need to set the conditions...

Tell her she can do whatever she wants BUT NOT AS YOUR WIFE!

You will need to probably file to show her you mean business...

if you don't and i say this because she wants the separation... she will detach on her own, you will be in limbo, she will then file first and you would have lost emotionally by all the time that passes waiting and having your imagination go wild and be far behind on healing yourself.

Basically the result will be that the option to reconcile will be removed by her and thus she makes another decision for your life on your behalf.

You need to be clear as crystal with her, there is no separation as far as you are concerned. If she wants to be with Mr. Fantasy... pack her bags... if she wants to stay, then she wants to work it out with you and then you set the rules... if that happens... all of us here can help you with that and with enforcement of getting her to adhere to your rules.

I'm not going to take this s**t anymore I am going to give her a little taste of reality. I won't be waiting around for her.

I feel like you all have given me the confidence and strength that I need to go forward.

Thank you all so much.

Awesome! We are here!

[This message edited by atreides at 9:08 AM, September 12th (Friday)]

There are so many great men on SI and many are giving you golden advice.... You probably don't need my input, but I just wanted to add the thought that being strong and decisive will give you a piece of your dignity back.

It is so hard after Dday and your emotions bounce all over the place. I'm glad you found SI early. I wish I had. I was far too nice after Dday. It just prolonged the process.

I've read story after story here, and they all play out very similarly, especially for the Betrayed Men... Those that are strong and don't put up with any $hit are the ones that get their answers more quickly and move down the road to healing faster... with or without their WW.

Burst her fantasy bubble. Be tough without being nasty. The latter will gain you nothing. It is so true: you CANNOT control her. She is free to do as she wishes, but NOT as your wife. The decision is hers. The sooner you make her decide, the sooner you can move forward, and the more of your self-respect you will gain.

The problem is with HER. Not with you. That is very hard for most BSes to internalize. She needs to fix herself if your marriage is to work. Until she decides she NEEDS to fix herself, MC is a waste of time.

Strength.

And here's another reality check, unfortunately for you. You need to call your doctor on Monday and ask him to schedule you for a complete STD/HIV panel, including the follow-on tests in a few months. Because she screwed someone else. Probably without a condom. Even if she did use one, all it takes is a little oral sex + kissing and bang, not even close to safe sex again.

Gads, isn't THAT just want you (and all of us) needed to hear as a part of this horror show.

Let that anger fuel you to get to a lawyer and file ASAP. She divorced you. Fine. Make sure that YOU are the one with custody of your child, YOU are the one with sole possession of the house, and YOU are the one that asks for child support. And I'd do my best to boot her ass out. Tell her that if she wants the OM so much to separate, then you'll help her pack and she can haul tusch to the OMs house to live in Unicorn Fart Splendor! I'm sure that the OM will JUST be thrilled! Being as he is undoubtedly in it for a quick bang with no consequences.

Be prepared. Once you stand up on your back feet and refuse to be Plan B any more, she may start hovering and love-bombing you to try to get you suckered in to being OK with her whoring around. Usually the WS will do *just* the bare minimum to keep you engaged. Refuse to play that game. It's either 100% or it's zero. There is no in-between.

Keep posting for support. Yeah, we may sound brutal, but I'm telling you (and so are others) from cold, hard, sucky experience, that the nice partner in a relationship with infidelity, is the one that ends up on their knees being screwed without a kiss on the ear or lube.

Usually the WS will do *just* the bare minimum to keep you engaged

And if you aren't careful you end up like me with multiple Ddays, STD's and decades wasted

Let your anger fuel you.

You are witnessing the WW holy trinity:

- Self deception

- Cognitive dissonance

- Compartmentalization

She does not think she is lying. Thank you, Seinfeld.

George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

Pettinger:

Once again:

What’s the goal of the counseling?

Is it to improve your communications as coparents?

Is it to improve/save your marriage?

Frankly Pet… If she’s still seeing OM and/or if you are separated with no accountability or agreement on monogamy then going to counseling is about as logical and helpful as taking a sixpack of Coors to an AA meeting.

Excellent Spot-on advice as usual from this site. Just wanted to add that there is nothing more attractive, and more impressive to a WS than the nobility of a strong, confident and self-respecting BS who responds chin-up with absolute and dignified resolve. This should be your first initiative. If you screw this up it will directly effect your chances of breaking her out of the fog.

Then, tell her that your heart is absolutely broken-so she doesn't think your a heartless robot, or that you are actually happy she has had an affair and is leaving. Don't want to over-do the 180. You want her to know that you love her, but also love yourself, and will not allow yourself to be disrespected, abused or harmed.

You should tell her that you love her and will do what ever it takes to repair the marriage but, you will not allow her to further harm you or the family.

You can offer her the gift of reconciliation but with the strict conditions that are outlined by this site, the previous posters, and all other conventional wisdom regarding reconciliation.

She must not separate unless she can somehow guarantee, to your satisfaction, absolutely zero contact with OM, unless she is separating to end the marriage. She must leave, and your child stays in the child's home.

An initial counseling session is OK. However, she must first comply by the rules of reconciliation laid down by the counselor, at that first session, before any further counseling can take place. You can't begin to fix the marriage until she demonstrates that she too wants to fix it.

You two are not there yet. If she separates, she will almost certainly continue the affair and the associated fog and you will be stuck in limbo.

Having her served with Divorce papers forces her to engage and consider the finality of her actions. It stops the hellish and destructive perpetual cake-eating limbo state that foggy WS's thrive in and sets them upon a direct course towards D or R. Nothing else should be tolerated-not even for an instant.

Divorce or Reconcile those are her choices.

A lot of people think that invoking the Big D will seal a certain fate. Not true. Even if after the papers are filed, even if after the D is finalized, you two still have the option of reconciling.

But you absolutely can not reconcile the marriage while the Affair is still in-progress. And, the longer you let the affair progress, the harder it will be.

Do not cooperate with her active affair in anyway. Do not help her conceal it. Do not do anything to make it more convenient. IT TAKES THREE PEOPLE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. You only have control over the third person. Unless you want to be in an open marriage, you have the power to make it all stop right now.

You are about to take a journey either towards reconciliation with the hope of strengthening your marriage or...making a clean break, reducing the damage and setting off towards a new and different hopeful beginning. You should settle for nothing less.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:02 PM, September 13th (Saturday)]

Pettinger

It is ok to still love your wife. No shame in it at all.

But realize the wife you still love is not that person anymore.

The woman still married to you is your wayward wife.

She is a liar.

She is a cheater.

And in her mind she thinks she did nothing wrong.

You have gotten great advice.

Put the focus back on you, your future and your kid.

The sooner you do that the sooner your life will get back in order, albeit a new order.

Expose her Affair. Not as a bitter man. But as a spouse that has been taklen advantage of.

As a husband who honors his vows.

As a man that takes no sh!t from his spouse.

But remember if you expose at work you could cost your wife her job. And if you divorce which is highly likely you will pay her more if she has no job.

Stay tough. Be firm. SHow her consequences for her crappy decisions.

And protect yourself legally. Show your wife what life will be like without you in the marriage.

Let her go pay for a babysitter so she can keep on making crappy decisions.

HM

I have nothing more to add. All these great people have said what needs to be said. Your thread resonates with me which is why I'm checking in.

You will spend a lot of time in a daze wondering where the woman you loved more than anything has gone (If you work that one out please let me know). You will wonder if she is still there (she isn't). You will wonder if you are to blame (You aren't).

You must know that she is playing nice and polite right now, as long as you don't rock the boat too much. When you start gaining strength and showing her the consequences of being boned by another man (and not caring if you hurt or not), she will become nasty. She will blame you. She will rewrite your relationship. It's all BS.

Battle through. Be strong but don't be strong to win her back. Do it to heal and move on. You cannot control her thoughts especially as she is in lurrrve right now. She wouldn't listen to anyone while she feels this way, especially you.

This shit is gonna hurt but with our support, you will take the high ground (most of the time - I sometimes fail still) and you will be able to hold your head up high.

Post often. Keep eating and drinking