SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently found out that my spouse of 11 years went to an asian massage parlor 8 years ago, 3 times in the same week. Up until now we had a great relationship, we were best friends. We started dating when I was 17, he was 21 so we have been together for my whole adult life. I am working on forgiving but I am so angry and I dont understand why. He says he needed to experience it to know what it was like and after trying it he knew that he commit to me for the rest of his life. I think it is bs to try and justify it, as he has done several times saying it needed to happen so he could be sure and it was so awful that it made it easy for him to love me wholly since. After telling me this he also confessed of his porn addiciton, he is actively working on that and I am trying my best to be supportive. I guess I have fears that it could happen again or that it could have been more than he is saying, i was recently out of town for a month (he bought me a month long trip to stay with my family) which now that I know everything feels suspicious, but when I came back I found condoms in our safe, we have not bought condoms in 9+ years! They come in 12 packs I believe and there was 9 which is a random number. When i asked him he got defensive initially asking me what i was accusing him off and then later told me he was just embarrassed but he likes them when he mastuarbates and since I was gone so long he spent a lot of time watching porn and doing that. So i dont know, I dont know how to trust again, I dont know how to get back to where we were, I feel like I have lost my best friend because he is no longer who I thought he was. I am upset about the way he cheated and lied, I feel like it was so intentional and so cheap and easy, we also only live 1/4 mile from the place he went so that scares me that its so close. How do I get over this? Will I ever love him the same? Right now I stay for the kids and the hope that maybe we could be what we were.....

I'm so sorry. I'm deep in my own sorrow and trying to reconcile, but others will be along shortly with help.

I would doubt his story though about the condoms. I don't know one guy that LIKES them. Why bother with them while masturbating? He was defensive when confronted. Trust your instincts and don't let him allow this to just "go away" until you're certain you have the full truth. You can't make it work on half-truths and more lies.

I'm so very sorry you're here, too. :(

There is no chance that he is using condoms to masturbate. Even if he was, you were gone for a month, why only three times?

I would literally rather not have intercourse than use a condom.

He's lying. You know he's lying. Many others here will tell you, trust your gut.

Hugss. I would look at credit card, bank statements, money withdrawals, anything suspicious. I would also get tested for STDs. That story about condoms doesnt add up at all. I would also look in your bills for other condom purchases.

It is very hard to hear, but I would be suspicious of your husband. As he is a wayward, you shouldnt be giving him the benefit of the doubt or trusting his answer, especially if he was very defensive about it.

I would definitely ask him to show you his phone, text messages, internet browsing, etc.

I know some guys dont like the mess when masturbating. But if he has never done this before in the last 9 years, it seems like suspicious behavior to me...

I know how you feel. My SAWH has been doing this for years but, I only found out about it 18 months ago and, it feels like I've been to hell and back. I'm fairly certain there is more to your story than you know right now. You have to really dig because men who use prostitutes have learned how to be very sly but, they tend to get sloppy after a while.

Check your Internet browser history. Look for postings to Craigslist, Backpage, Adult Friend Finders, etc. check your cell phone bills, especially the dates for when you were out of town. You will most likely see lots of numbers you don't recognize and, there will be repeated calls to the same one.

I hate being the bearer of such awful news but, I want you to be prepared. The story he is reciting is bull and, in your gut, you know it. He needed to experience that to get it out of his system, really? Three times? I don't think so. If he married you, he should have be committed to begin with not after he sowed some fantasy oats.

Keep posting. There is much wisdom here from folks who have been right where you are now.

I dont know how to get back to where we were,

I'm sorry to tell you that there is no going back to that place now. It's forever changed because of this and, you have to do whatever is right for you from now on. If he has never addressed what make him do that in the first place, you can bet he is still doing it. Set an appointment TODAY to go for STD screening. Please don't take chances with your health.

I have checked our phone records, i get all his text messages on our mac automatically, and I have been through our account several times to make sure things add up. I have nothing.

Sorry for the pain that you are going through. My WH had a secret email account for his Ashley Madison and Backpage whores. Check his computer history for those sites and others. He may have a "burn" phone as well for texting. He is lying about the condoms.

Sorry about the massage parlor. Many will tell you it CAN be a stepping stone up to escorts and prostitutes.

What is the expiration date on the condoms?

Not long ago someone came here with the same story about using condoms for masturbation. If my memory is correct, not one man here, WH nor BH, agreed that a man would use a condom to masturbate or ever heard of it.

Asian massage parlors notoriously use underage girls. They are cracking down here because the parlors were found to be all out houses of prostitution, not deep rubs with a bonus.

I am so disturbed about the asian massage parlor part of it, the cheating I feel I could handle had it been emotional (for some reason it seems more reasonable to make a mistake when emotions are involved) but this just sickens me, and he told me the girl he had sex with with looked young, maybe 17 which absolutely disgusts me. I had no clue he even had this side to him, he is the kind of man that seems super sweet, in love with his family, charming, successful, he is super funny and I had always trusted him.

The condoms expire 11/2015

What is significant about the expiration?

We have web software now that tracks every website everyone goes to and what time. This is on all our phones, computers, and ipad so I going forward I feel things are pretty transparent. He did not fight me on this at all, he gladly allowed it.

Even with this I dont have peace of mind :/

Hate to state the obvious but he says he visited Asian "massage" parlor 3 times and 3 condoms are missing.

3 times back in the spring of 2007. I found the condoms 3 weeks ago and it was unusual. He swears on his life it was only that week back in 2007 that he did it. He had made a large sum of money during that time and acted like an idiot but I had no idea he cheated on me then.

There are definitely red flags here that he could have a sex addiction. SA is progressive. It typically starts with masturbation, sometimes to the extent of injury, and gradually escalates into porn then acting out by sexting, cam girls, massage parlors/prostitutes. This has been going on for a long time and, I guarantee that you do not have a clue as to the extent but, his secret life is beginning to unravel.

First of all, accept that you are a smart woman and, that things are not adding up. You can't give him the benefit of the doubt now because, he is lying. I know you want to believe him but, for your sake I hope you don't. You have picked up the scent of his trail and, he is going to do and say anything to throw you off. Addicts will swear on the lives of their children, the graves of their mother and all that is holy. they will sell their souls to the devil to keep their supply from being interrupted. I'm not kidding.

Please be vigilant. I'm sorry you are here but, you simply can't ignore what you already know. Doing so will erode your self esteem and rot your own soul. Read about SA and then tell him you are on to him. He needs to set up an appointment for evaluation with a CSAT. Insist on this!!! He also needs to start attending Sexaholics Anonymous. There are chapters in most cities.

If he balks at any of your demands please understand that he is only trying to abate you to protect his drug and, you will need to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children from this irrational man who used to be your sweet, caring husband. If you need him to leave so you can sort it all out then do that too. That is the biggest regret I have to this day. I'm telling you this as one who stood in your shoes 18 months ago knowing what I know now.

Google condom shelf life. I just did and according to trojan non lubricated expire in five years and lubricated in three years. The condom should have a lot# so you should know when they were manufactured. I'm sorry I don't think condoms from 2007 would have a 2015 exp. Date.my husband lied to me for three months before I found out the truth. He most likely uses a trac phone for seeing these prostitutes (that's what they are) and you would never see anything on the bill. These men are really good at hiding, just visit one of their hobbying boards to see what they recommend men to do to hide their activities. Massage parlors are everywhere and they need no appointment. Ask him to take a lie detector test and see whay his reaction is.I'm so sorry ,

Devastated how do you get on those hobby boards?

I think there is some confusion, the condoms are not related to what happened in 2007. He admitted to the 2007 massage parlor visits in the beginning of August. I was and still am angry and upset but agreed to work on this and go to counseling. Then in the beginning of September I am looking through our safe and there are condoms which I then asked since my trust with him had been broken I needed to know what these were for? Im not sure if I believe him or not, on one hand it would be completely stupid to put something you dont want found in the safe since he knows I open it frequently, however, I dont understand why he got defensive and his reason seems a little weird. He has allowed for complete transparency as far as internet use goes, cell phone, money etc. So I dont believe he has done anything since he came clean about 2007 but I also dont know if I believe that is all there was... The condoms were purchased while I was out of town.

I would literally rather not have intercourse than use a condom.

Did you notice that post was from a guy? I know how strong denial can be. I had to go to the doctor due to a vaginal discharge that just kept growing. The doctor told me I had trichomoniasis. I knew that was an STD and I'm very embarrassed to say that I am an RN. I simply dismissed the possibility of my H cheating on me. I couldn't see the obvious because he just wasn't "that kind of guy".

That was 10 years before I stumbled on to the truth. My SAWH "accidentally" left his secret email open the day I discovered his secret life. The therapist we were seeing at the time said this may have been an unconscious effort by him to let me find out so he could be unburdened from it all. I still am not sure I buy that but....like I said before, they tend to get sloppy in their attempts to hide. Don't read too much into the fact that he obviously wouldn't leave the condoms in a place you would be likely to see.

He has been acting out. As someone else has already pointed out, the expiration date alone tells you that these were purchased since 2007. The odds that he used them to masturbate is obscure and almost laughable but, he thinks you just might buy it. Don't!

The condoms were purchased in July. Originally he tried to say he bought them for us, then got defensive when I said three were missing, then told me he used them on himself while I was out of town. There were no condoms in the safe before I went out of town, when I got back there were "toys" for me and some romantic oils and such, a few weeks later I am moving things around in the safe and I notice the condoms, no box just a strip of 9 condoms. I know this particular kind comes in boxes of 12 or more and when I found them I confronted him.

when I got back there were "toys" for me and some romantic oils and such,

What was his explanation for the toys? I wonder what would happen if you told him you took these items out and told him you have sent them out for DNA analysis. The look on his face would tell you all you needed to know.

Honey, he bought you a month long trip to see your family and, this is what you come home to? There are so many red flags and I know you feel it. His defensiveness is a dead give away not to mention the new toys and massage lotions.

I wish I could help you understand that there is a deep pathology here and, it's not going to just go away. All you can do now is to methodically dissect what you know to be true and it's up to him to fill in the missing pieces. It took 4 agonizing months for my H to fess up to the lies and deceit that had become my life for the last 10+ years.

Start with what you know and understand that he will tell you what you want to hear and what you want to believe. Just remember that it doesn't make it so.