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I think NatureGirl and others on this board have demonstrated that I can't limit his visitation based on my assessment of his parenting alone.

No, you can't "limit his visitation". And you shouldn't. However, that does not mean allowing him to use your house like a drop in centre, laundrymat and shower facility. All while not spending time with his son. If that visit is 4 hours, and he's doing other stuff for 3 1/2...is that really visitation time? No.

You can insist that visits be at McDonalds or something. You do not HAVE to let them be in your home. You really don't. I get that sometimes that can be easier, but it allows you no privacy, especially if he's using your whole house while he's there! I do not think any court would fault you for insisting visitations be at an outside location. He refuses to go to McDonalds? Then he doesn't get the visit that week. Simple. You think that will hurt your son? No...you already stated that son is so hurt by daddy ignoring him while he is there. 1 hour at McDonalds where he has daddy's attention would be better than having dad nap on the couch and ignore him.

If you don't feel "right" about telling him again, then next weekend when he says he wants to come at 10, say oh, we will be out and about in the morning, but you could meet us at McD's at 10, so then afterwards you are done, we could finish our errands.

I wouldn't let him get away with this. It is outrageous. No way.

When my ex & I first separated he didn't have car seats for the kids in his car. Thought I would let him borrow my car. I said no, and no to him getting into my car to borrow my car seats. So he decided not to get car seats & claim I was alienating the kids. I said no, pick a place & I'll drop the kids off & pick them up later so you can see them. Called his bluff, I did. So for several months that's how it played out. His visitation took place at public places, restaurants, parks, and the like. I never made a big deal out of it, never mentioned the inconvenience for me. I simply dropped the kids off and picked them up later.

Eventually his lawyer told ex to grow up and get car seats. So he did.

You need to cut off access to your home. I know why you're doing this, but it isn't healthy for any of you. I am aware of at least one member on this board who's stupid ex has visitation in a hotel room because he refuses to get a place of his own. Fine. So be it. His choice.

Honey, I want your home to be your safe refuge. It can't be that if he's there dozing on the couch. Speaking of which, if he ever does that again please take pictures. And please document his laundry use and shower use. Document what he's doing. That way when you take him back to court you will have evidence to prove your case.

If your son is on the autism spectrum, I can only imagine how confusing it is for him to have daddy "living" at home a few hours at a time.

IMO this will hurt his transition more than the suggestions to have him meet your son at a park or Mickey D's.

If he doesn't communicate enough for setting up a McDonalds meeting, something else you can do is "at the curb". Be outside with your DS at the curb when he arrives - bring out his toys, lemonade and snacks for some "front porch time" if you have to. Give him the child while outside. Then go inside and lock the door. He can play there, observed, for the 4 hours.

What he's doing is peeking into your house to spy on you, getting all the way in your shower to see if you've been sharing it, what pills you may take or not, or simply just showing you "what a big man he is" (because he's an idiot and he feels he has to have one up on you inside his tiny little snake-mind). It doesn't matter whether or not you're in a NB, seeing anyone or anything of the sort. It's his dysfunction, his detachment problems and it shouldn't be allowed. He needs to drop the codependence. And for that he needs limits.

If you have to think of it like this, you'd actually be kind of doing him a kindness by pushing him away. It's no longer appropriate, and he knows it at some level. The faster he gets it the easier it will be for him to move on (and incidentally, get another source of NSupply, which is good for you).

He is D now and he's not your friend, he doesn't get to enter any part of your house, let alone the privacy of your rooms and bathroom.

Heck my own D isn't final yet and I feel I'm intruding even when I must drive by her cross street!

Strength,