SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That is the year, month, hour, and minute that I found out. I am 41, my wife is 38. We met in 1989. Married in 1996. Until this past Saturday night, I was the only man my wife has ever been with sexually. Ever. I was texting her Saturday night while I was at work and she was at home (I am a 911 operator and I work day shifts and night shifts in the same week every week). It started out harmless enough but I had a powerful intuition and and just typed "why don't you just say it". I was not actually expecting her answer. I was expecting something like "say what?, or what do you want me to say?" But instead she acknowledged an affair and then went on to wonder "how did you know?"

So, I caught my wife on intuition alone. And via text message no less! (she later told me she felt "stupid" for owning up to it when she found out that I actually didn't know anything) This hurts so bad I don't know if I can go on. I have cried and sobbed off and on since Saturday night. Like many others here, I have not slept or eaten since. My chest hurts. I get these sudden panic attacks. She was my world. Mother of both our children. But it's the pain! I never would have believed that a human being could feel this much pain and survive!

But at least now I can function somewhat. Until today, all I could do was cry. Another new fact of life I learned is that a person can weep for three straight days non stop. I know, I did it. I'm a fairly big guy. I'm 6' 3" and weigh 235lbs. I am NOT accustomed to shedding tears. Man did that change!

So here is some more background, because I HONESTLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. Just please, please understand that I'm not a "big guy" right now. Right now I am soul-crushed. I am heart-sick. I went from having the utmost confidence to none whatsoever! None! I feel inadequate. I have doubts about my appearance now. I am horrified that my equipment is "too small" or something. I feel ashamed. Violated. Remember, she was MY GIRL, having never been touched by another man. Ok, so on to the background:

The last few years we have taken some tough hits as a family. The worst was losing our house. As time went on I became more angry and bitter about all of the garbage that kept falling on us and I was powerless to do anything about it. I no longer have any hobbies or any possible way to "vent" so I kept it all bottled up. (I'm giving you the really short condensed version here) so basically, I just kind-of radiated misery all the time. That's what she said. That's what drove her to do what she did. I wasn't really loving her, just living with her......often in a bad or brooding mood. Ok, let's say all that is true, did I deserve to be cheated on? Really? Also, she would NEVER even have told me had I not "caught" her (you'll just have to trust me). Also, she told me that she never planned on leaving me for this guy, it was just for the sex, the excitement. So this would have gone on and I would have been none the wiser unless I physically happened to catch her which would have been virtually impossible because I was not even looking for that! I trusted her implicitly! So strong was my love for her.

Fallout: she says she wants to stay with me but only if I "change". Now, on this she is correct. I REALLY DO NEED TO LET GO OF ALL THE NEGATIVE BAGGAGE THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OF ANYWAYS! Why carry it? Why be miserable all the time when all I have to do is just let go of it? She has a point here and it has already begun though I fear it's far too late. By the time I get back to being the man she wanted I don't know if ill even be with her. Irony.

What I am getting at here is that I am not without fault. I contributed to this. As hard as it is, I accept that. But she pulled the trigger. She said she "tried to tell me" over time saying things like "you act like you,don't even want to be here". And she WAS RIGHT. However, please somebody, anybody, tell me how I was supposed to know that "you act like you don't want to be here" is actually code word for "I'm going to have sex with another man"? Ok, I knew we needed some work but how was I supposed to know that she was at that point? She might have tried to "tell" me but damn, that's pretty cryptic.

So anyways, she says she wants to stay with me. Wants to "work it out". My gut instinct, even as bad as all this is, is to say yes! But there are a few more problems.

When she first owned up to it she said it only happened once. I pressed her and then it was twice.

Later I asked her how long she has been doing this behind my back and she said just these two times.......but I know in my heart she was lying. What I don't know is how long and was it always the same guy or have there been more that one. But people, just like that mysterious intuition that came over me at the beginning where I just "knew", I had the same thing again only this time I was not texting I was face to face with her. She was flat out lying about having never done it before.

So I went to see my Mother just like a child. I collapsed in her lap and laid it all out just like I did here. She asked me, do you still love her? I said yes. She asked me if the wife wanted to stay with me. I said yes. She asked me if I wanted to stay with the wife I said yes. So mom takes the side of work it out. She knows how hurt I am but she says the marriage can be salvaged if we both really do want to stay together but it will be very tough and it will take a long time to heal.

Problem #1: I love her with all my heart, but how could I ever know if she really still loves me? Let's say I better myself and improve every aspect of our relationship, how could I ever make love to her without being haunted by mental images of her with him? How would I ever know that she really wants me passionately and isn't just letting me "do it"? How do I "get over" that?

Problem#2: I am so self conscience now, I could NEVER be in front of her naked. I feel embarrassed about the way I look and I am just horrified. So I don't think I could do it anyways, not any time soon. How do I "get over" this? She hasn't made me feel like I have a small penis, she's made me feel like I have NO penis. Another detail, in my eyes, she is a Goddess. She really is that beautiful. Which makes this so much worse.

Problem#3: we are going to do some more talking this wed, thur, and fri nights......a couple hours each night. We will be trying to answer the "what do we do now?" question. If I can't get her to admit to doing this more that she has admitted to, what should I do about that? Again, no I have not one shred of evidence but I know in my soul, I have just known her too long, I was looking right in her face when I asked and she was stuttering and stammering, things she NEVER does. She won't admit wrongdoing unless there is proof. She was still blown away that she had already been snared without proof, she was not about to give up anything else. When I ask about how long and she sticks with her "only those two times" answer, assuming my intuition is wrong (it's not), how would I be able to believe her?

Problem#4: be careful what you ask for. What if she just comes clean and it's a bigger list that even I think it is, what do I do then? I would have to give her credit for being honest but I know in my heart that it would crush me beyond any ability to EVER heal.

I have asked you my questions and I value your responses, you are the only people who know how I feel, how messed up I am, how insecure etc. now I will tell you what I think and I would also like feedback on that as well if you can.

Here is where I stand. The only way I could stay with her is if I know in my heart that she really wants to be with me and that she is not doing it for ANY other reason. That's part one. Part two, I would have to know in my heart that she does not find me repulsive or inadequate. I always thought that if she ever cheated it would be a "no brainier", that I would be gone that day. But when I found myself at that crossroad, I learned another fact of my life that I never knew was possible.....I couldn't do it. At least, not just like that.

I have already given her my heart and soul. I have given her all that I am. If I leave her, I can't take that with me. It was already given. To my dying day I could never, ever show another woman the love I gave my wife. I could never, ever touch another woman the ways I use to touch my wife. But more importantly, even now, not knowing if I am going to try and work it out with her or not, I don't want anyone else. I may end up leaving her but I don't want ANYONE else. How could I live that way? What would I do? My Mom seems to believe that she really truly wants to work it out with me. That she truly loves me. But I'm so hurt! I hurt so bad! Please, if you can ease any of my pain, I beg you do so. But I also only want honesty. Is there any more info I can provide to help you help me?

Welcome friend, I'm sorry you find yourself here. But this is a great place to land considering the circumstances. First and foremost do not under allow her to drop any of her shit into your lap. This A and all of the lies and deceit that went with it are solely and 100% her responsibility. It does not matter how bad of a husband you were prior to the A as she had choices to make and she chose the cowardly and most disrespectful route, she cheated. She could have asked you to go to M/C to work on the M, she could have spoken to you about her supposed unhappiness and detailed what it is about you that she disliked, shoot she even could have asked for a damn D before screwing another man. But nope, she went behind your back, lied to your face and became an adulterer. And lets face it here, she would have never said a word to you about until you bluffed her into admitting this. And the sad fact is that she is still lying to you about what really happened. People who cheat have this abnormal need to minimize the actual truth when busted. If she is copping to 2 liaisons chances are its many, many more. And I'm sure the timeline has been greatly diminished as well. There is so more to this story than she is admitting to.

And its in that context that you can not begin to rebuild with her because she is still lying and has no remorse. R is impossible without both of those simple actions. She can not be remorseful while she is still lying and blaming you for HER actions. I would not even try to R with her at this point because she is simply not ready or worthy of the gift of R. That's right my man, R is a gift and it should not be offered easily or without stipulation. In my experience the only sure fire way of having a chance of R is to expose your unremorseful WW to the actual reality of what she has created. She needs to experience some rather hard consequences for her actions. She is/was quite comfortable with you going out and busting your ass to support the family while she entertained her OM. Toss her ass out and let her live life on her own, without any form of assistance from you. Tell her to go to OM and see how fast he tosses her ass to the street. Because you will find that every POS who screws around with M women are usually in it for the ease of sex. They get laid with no strings attached. And the best part for them is that fools like us are sitting home paying the bills and doing the other stuff that real life requires. And the OM gets to get laid without any of the responsibilities of a real relationship. I don't care how hot your WW is, he does not want her fulltime. My XWW was a hot woman also, but you know what ? As a cheat and a consummate liar who could never accept responsibility for her actions, it made her one of the ugliest, vile creatures on earth. This you must understand brother. I could go on and on but I don't want to overwhelm you any further. Other members will be along shortly with some great advice and tactics. I suggest you listen to them because we all have walked in your shoes. And don't think your situation is unique, because its not. Hang in there bro, its gonna get worse before it gets better. But it will get better.

Thank you for posting. Man, that is gut wrenching. But you are correct.

I know your pain as well. I had all the same feelings you do. Your story almost mirrors mine. I was feeling miserable with pain from herniated disk. I had no ambition to do anything which the wife hated. We also even both said we were more like room mates than we were husband/wife.

She at first tried to blame her affair on my not being in a good mood. She later told me that it was all her fault fro the whole affair and that I did nothing wrong.

I like you had no idea at all that she was cheating on me. Turns out she was having an affair for 4 years(sex for 2 1/2). I still really don't know how she ever found the time to do it. My wife actually confessed this all to me one day out of the blue. It just killed me inside. I felt worthless and useless. My wife is very remorseful

for her actions. we have been working on trying to save our marriage. Our love for each other has been stronger now than it has in 5 years. I found out about the affair 5 weeks ago so I still have a long way to go in the healing process.

My first gut reaction was to leave her but my love for her was too much. Can I ever trust her again? I'm really not sure but I do know she has to earn my trust back. Sorry to hear that you had to join this group but you will get lots of help and support. We all know your pain. Hang in there.

First, I'm sorry for you.

Second, I totaly agree with stronger08. Don't offer upp R at this time. Don't tell her you forgive her at this time. I might not go as far as stronger08 in having her move out just yet.

Another way of showing her the reality of her actions is meet up with a few layers, find out your options and what would come out of a divorce (D) for you. Let her know this. An even stronger show of reality is to file for D. Filing doesn't = D. You can stop that anytime you want.

Regarding your questions:

#1 This could only be resolved if your W (wife) shows real remorce and through a lot of actions show you that she loves you. In regards to mental images, some can get over them there are different tricks to do this but I would suggest you go to an individual counselor (IC) to get help with this. For some they are unable to get over it.

#2 See #1 and time. You are wrong about her being a godess though. A godess is not unfaithfull. She is more like a demon.

#3 Some rug sweep affairs(A) but in most cases that comes back later to hunt them and is no good way of dealing with an A. You need to know the truth. The amount of details are upp to you though. If she can't tell you what you want to know you have very little chance of making it. One option, depending on where you live, is to have her take a polygraph test. Often the case when this is doen you get a "parkinglot confession" before the actual test. However, you should always go through with the test anyways.

#4 Then at least you know the truth and you can make dessitions based on that instead of living in a lie and have this constantly affect you.

Finaly regarding some of your last paragraph. You are deluding yourself there. Of cause you can give your heart to somebody else. Not right now but in time you will heal and be able to again. Every parent gives their heart to their childrens. If your asumption would be true that would be impossible. YOU ARE ABLE TO LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE. It yous doesn't feel like that right now. Ofcause you don't want somebody else right now. You love your W. However people change and you don't know the future. I don't think you are unique in the regard that you could not fall in love with somebody else at a later time if you D. People do that all the time (have new relasionships and marry after a D).

What I think you should do right now is the following:

1. Book a meeting with an IC. You need help right now.

2. Reach out to some/one firend(s) to support you.

3. Let your work know, to protect your work.

4. Don't make any dessitions now. You should not decide anything while being in the state you are in. You need a calm mind to do that.

5. Expose your wife. You decide to who but I suggest at least to your family and hers.

6. Tell your W that you will book a polygraph test for her and watch her reactions. If she refuces you have your answere if not book it.

7. I strongly suggest that you think a lot about what your W needs to do to make it possible for you to R. We have given you some things so far.

8. There are a lot of great books out there for both you and your W that you should get.

- Not just friends by Shirley P. Glass

- Surviving an affair by Willard F. Harley and Jennifer Harley

is a few examples. Other will probarbly give you more.

9. You realy need to work on your self meening your misery, anger and bitterness.

10. Get one or a few hobbies.

11. Another thing that I think could be good for you is to read the following 2 books:

- Married mans sex life primer by Athol Kay

- No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover

Both these books will help you in many ways. I know the titles are a bit weard but look them upp.

12. A good way to blow steam and to boost yourself is to star working out if you don't do that already. Build some muscles, run etc.

Finaly, most important make sure you drink a lot and try to get some sleep and food in you. Force yourself if you have to but almost everybody struggles with this.

((IHSB))

I can also feel for your pain, hurt & confusion.

This site is the greatest place you never wanted to be.

You've received some advice already, but in fairness, although we'll all input with our own perspective - everyone's situations will have both similarities & differences.

Remember that you don't have to make any hard and fast decision right away, in fact whilst you are in such shock, it's probably best that you don't.

Read around the posts on SI. Look at the 'healing library' to the top left hand side of the site. There is some great advice there, & suggestions for reading. Can I recommend ' How to heal your spouse after an affair' for both you & WS to read?

Try to breath; try to stay hydrated if you feel you can't eat right now.

Visit your doctor & explain how you feel. It may be that a temporary course of anti-anxiety or anti-depressants may help you cope.

It sounds as though you may have been depressed?

You have made a good start by scheduling talking time with WS. Try hard to make this as non-confrontational as you can.

In order for you both to R, you will first need to reconnect with each other.

Keep posting & reading, it really does help to know that you are NOT alone.

Sending you strength & love to us all who find ourselves here.

MOB

First, the cheating must end. Cheaters usually don't stop even after they are caught.

Second, she needs to check back in to the marriage. She hasn't done that yet.

Third, she needs to tell you the truth, as much of it as you want to know. This will probably involve naming names and telling you her methods. You likely will feel the need to verify that she is not cheating any longer.

These are all beyond your control.

Also, you have to stop letting her dictate your self-worth. Five years ago she loved you, two weeks ago she didn't, you haven't changed, she has. You are what you are, regardless of what she or anyone else thinks of you. You are the loyal husband, she is the cheating wife.

You have to develop of an attitude that you are going to improve you for you, and that you are going to be alright with her or without her.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 6:21 AM, September 24th (Wednesday)]

ImHurtSoBad... I too am sorry you are here, myself a recent addition to the ranks here.

Stronger08 is right in many aspects of what he is saying, he has wise advice. With that said, let me add some of what has helped me through my recent D-Day...

Instead of feeling sorry for myself, and taking all the blame on myself, I got angry at the situation, and at my WW. When we as men enter into a relationship with a woman, we expect them to be loving and nurturing, because when we come home, we take our armor off, leaving us defenseless. If we fall, due to injury or are exhausted from constant work, we rely on our WW to help us through those times... It's what many of us would, or have (and may still) do for the love of our life. The fact of the matter is, your WW had the option of seeking professional counselors who are knowledgeable in areas of healing that we are not. They have been in the trenches with so many couples and helped them through issues just like what you faced previously in your marriage. But your WW chose to seek the attention of another man. She abandoned you on the battlefield, where you were dazed, lost and confused. I was in a similar state, and this was the conclusion I came to after reading (and re-reading Stronger08's replies to me). Life hits us hard sometimes, it happens. But that is where a couple should pull together and become closer, not bail on each other! During a time when you needed your wife the most, she wasn't there for you. She was selfishly with someone else.

I too, can relate to the self confidence issue. It hits you hard in the gut, if not more like a punch in the throat. You're questioning everything about yourself, which is not entirely a bad thing. Do take inventory of yourself, and address those parts of you that you do not like. But do not for an instant entertain the thought that you are inadequate. You need to nip those thoughts in the bud!

Again, Stronger08 is correct in regards to R and remorse. Your WW needs to display sorrow for what she has done. She needs to be apologetic, and needs to know that she caused trauma to you. the best thing I read in the library that helped me get out of the rut I was in is this letter:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/cheater_letter.asp

Read it, then read it again, then read it again. Read it until you accept that none of this is your fault.

Now, with that nailed down, you then need to move on to this letter:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp

The 18 points are a good foundation to help you establish your needs going forward. As you and I know, and so many veterans on this board can say, the truth she has told is more than likely just the tip of the iceberg. I had never heard the term Trickle-Truth (TT in other posts, you'll see), until I came here. If your WW is lying to you (unfortunately, odds are, she is)... over time, the guilt will overwhelm your WW and she will let out another truth. Sadly, she will be more matter-of-fact about it, and her letting it out will be a relief to her, but just like a war veteran with PTSD, you will be catapulted right back to D-day and all it's misery. What you need to explain to her, and what she needs to understand, is that in order for you to begin healing, and for you to stay on the healing path, is that she needs to come clean about everything. If you want to hear all the gory details, then tell her she must tell you. If you don't then tell her what you want to hear. Some of us need to hear all the details, because our imagination will fill in the blanks with details that are even more painful than the truth ever was!

I know you are hurting, not eating well, barely sleeping at night. You've probably watched the minutes tick by on the clock as you laid in bed, wondering who you were really laying next to.

I too got blamed for my WW's poor choice. It hit me un one of our fights/discussions the stark contrast between my lost/dazed issues and her infidelity. Here is a revelation I came to that I believe you may be able to apply to your own situation:

Whereas...

Another contrast is that your WW's choices are not much different than a Drunk Driver's. The trauma you are experiencing is similar to what you might feel if you were in a car sleeping and your WW got drunk and wrecked the car. She is ok, but your injuries are severe, not to mention you had no idea how toasted she was while driving. The person you thought you knew put you in danger, what she does after that is critical to healing your M.

You have woken up in ICU and bandages abound. The one place you should expect to find your WW after an event like that is at your bedside. When your eyes first open, her tear-streaked mascara and disarrayed hair should be the first thing you see. You should see it day after day after day. You should see her feeding you meals, because you just cant feed yourself. You should see her asking the doctors and nurses how long it will be before you are better, asking them what she needs to do to help you get better.

I think Stronger08 would agree, this level of understanding on the part of the WS is probably one of the most critical deciding factors in whether or not a M is going to survive an A.

We're all here for you. Post when you can. Getting it out will help you heal.

Few things that bother me:

later told me she felt "stupid" for owning up to it when she found out that I actually didn't know anything

This bothers me.

I hear some people feel relieve of being found out, etc. But she is just feel sorry that she told. This speaks a lot of her character.

"That's what drove her to do what she did."

BS. Yes - maybe you were a bag of misery. However, she had other options to deal with it. She made the decision to add infidelity into your marriage.

she says she wants to stay with me but only if I "change".

And the fact that she is twisting it all around like she is doing YOU a favor by staying does not sit well either.

Yes - you acknowledge you need help with some things in yourself. Great. But that is not the only issue here.

IDK - I know you want to save it and that is possible but not on these/her terms.

She needs to understand a chance of R is a GIFT.

Problem#4: be careful what you ask for. What if she just comes clean and it's a bigger list that even I think it is, what do I do then? I would have to give her credit for being honest but I know in my heart that it would crush me beyond any ability to EVER heal.

You never know for sure. Deception whether it is 2 times or 20 times is still hard-core pain. You deserve to know exactly what you are dealing with so you can decide fairly what you want to do.

I am so sorry

Hi Hurt, So sorry you are going through this pain, we all know it well.

Is the idiot she cheated with married or in a relationship? If so, I would let his wife/girlfriend know what he has been up to. How did your wife meet him? Time for exposure.

Second, with regard to the truth, you NEED the truth. Burying your head in the sand is not any kind of foundation for moving forward. A polygraph might be helpful in forcing her hand. If you decide to go that route, I would set it up and tell her it is a requirement for R, and time to get in the car right now, because you want to make sure she has told you the whole truth. Parking lot confessions are rather commonplace, sadly.

Another wealth of information can be found on electronic devices. Cell phone bills, computer files, etc.

As for your feelings about yourself, I know it is devastating. I took a good hard look at myself and decided to make changes. Exercise helped immensely. Also, maybe see your doc for some antidepressants and/or sleep aids. Use all avenues to help yourself heal. And most of all, remember that you did nothing to deserve this. It is all on her. Quite possibly you will start to see her in a more realistic light and decide to run for the hills. And either way, you can do this.

Take care.

E.

Sorry you are here, but at least you found a place where everyone understands what you are going through.

One thing I can add to what has already been said, is to give it time. However this turns out for you, it's going to take years to deal with it. There is no quick fix, whether you end up in reconciliation, divorce or something else. It's the "something else" that is the worst place to be . . . not knowing what the future holds, not knowing the full truth, not knowing whether there are going to be further bombs dropped in your life, either with trickle truth or further affairs. The main thing you need to do right now is get in a place where you can deal with all of this. One good way is IC (MC at a later date), reading materials and posts here and numerous excellent books, and possibly AD meds.

This will probably get much worse before it gets better, unless you are the rare exception. Keep posting here and you will get all the advice from folks who have gone through and survived exactly what you are dealing with now.

Fallout: she says she wants to stay with me but only if I "change". Now, on this she is correct.

That might be true, but I will tell you this, this is absolutely NO reason for her to have an affair. Please understand the difference.

No matter what, nothing she says can ever blame you for what she did. Do not let her ever try to blame you for her having affairs.

This is common, in her mind she is making up rationalizations for her wrongs. The bottom line, she is in the wrong, and only she made these wrong decisions.

When she said she felt stupid for telling you things you didn't know about, tell her that shows she prefers being a liar.

No one wants to be married to a liar, explain that to her.

So first thing is, you have to stop blaming yourself, because you didn't do a thing to cause what she did.

Secondly, never think you should have seen it coming. No one is a mind reader. So many spouses think they can talk in riddles and their spouse is supposed to understand. NOPE, no one can read minds that I know of.

You need to gain control. This is a great time for you to take control and be motivated, these things can be life changing for the better. Channel your energy at the gym, that will help the depression and the anger that follows.

Your wife needs to stop lying. She already told you, and now it is time to tell you the rest.

And the rest means, only answer the questions you want answered.

How many guys and who they were for starters. And then you can decide if you want to know anymore.

Oh, and the most important, are her affairs over.

You should look through her phone, facebook and whatever other communications there are. You should find out for yourself.

She said you dont have proof I think you wrote, hell she already gave you proof.

Tell your wife to read some books about this, so she can understand just what in the hell she has done and what it has caused. One book is called Not Just Friends.

DO NOT let this be swept under the carpet. And consider that she needs individual therapy, because at this time, she is lying to you about the reasons.

19imhurtsobad73,

Good people and good advice here. Take

it all in and see what you think.

Just wanted to thank you for your service

as a 9-1-1 calltaker.

- L

19imhurtsobad73 - I am so sorry you are here.

First off, accept no blame for the affair. You are accepting her blameshifting saying you need to change and I bet you don't even have the whole story yet. What if you were acting like you didn't want to be there because you were sensing that she was in fact cheating on you? The other reason you do not want to accept any of this is if you are going to move forward with you wife now she needs to own all of it. She needs to fully accept you were zero percent responsible for her actions to cheat. None of this you need to change crap she is telling you.

Too many foggy waywards try this blameshifting, the truly remorseful ones do not. Your wife is not remorseful right now, she still wants to blame you and make you change. Be strong and don't fall for it.

As for how to deal with you wife the next few days, don't give an inch. In as calm but firm approach that you can, demand the truth and set the expectations. If she can't or you sense she is lying end the conversation. You need to know names of who she cheated with. She needs to immediately under your supervision send these people a NC letter. No goodbye phone calls or any of that, it ends right now with your approving the message. Your wife needs to give you her phone and passwords to ALL of her accounts. Based on your wife's blameshifting, I suspect these demands and others you will have are not going to be easy for her until she finally gets it.

Too many foggy waywards try this blameshifting, the truly remorseful ones do not. Your wife is not remorseful right now, she still wants to blame you and make you change. Be strong and don't fall for it.

Right. Your situation is analogous to someone who gets spoken to harshly and solves the problem by buying a gun and killing the pest.

I don't think any jury would buy that defense....

and I know that we here don't buy your wife's rationalization that it was "ok" to cheat because you "acted like you didn't want to be here".

IHSB, sorry for your pain. In addition to the perspectives and advice you've already been given, I offer this: YOU are the only hope for your marriage right now, so YOU are the one who must drive how things go from here.

Aldulterers must justify their behavior or their minds implode. Translated, this means that they will find all kinds of negative things about their marriage partner that are NOT there, and all kinds of wonderful things about the affair partner that are also NOT there, to justify their actions. All this is fiction.

They are not logical; so there is no talking sense with them. (If they were sensible, they never would have done what they did!) Often we as the betrayed feel as though WE are losing our minds... Yah, we are, because we're still trying to be rational with someone who has lost theirs! Don't even try to be logical with her.

Indeed, they are fully in the grip of evil, living a fictional narrative created solely for the purpose of justifying their behavior. You cannot now rely on her to provide you a road map that has anything to do with reality.

And you can NOT "nice" her back, either. I tried that approach, thinking that if she saw how much I still cared and loved her--in spite of the enormous pain she heaped on me--that she'd realize how worthy of her love I was... Guess what? That was a TOTAL failure. My "niceness" made it easier for her to stay in her fiction, which was disastrous for our marriage. She left me for someone I THOUGHT was my best friend.

The irony is that it was SHE who wasn't worthy of my love; she abused true love for a fiction.

But I digress. My point is that YOU are the only hope for whatever chances your marriage has right now. As much as you are in shock right now--YOU are the one of saner mind.

IMHO, your only mission right now is to preserve your sanity and do what you can to support yourself--period. Get IC, eat as best you can, stay hydrated, get help to sleep, etc, etc, etc,; i.e., all the stuff you've already read here.

It's about you. If in your shock and weakness, you succumb to her narrative, she'll see that you accept it and your marriage will be done. It still might not make it; ultimately, we cannot control others. But if it's worth anything to you at all right now, then now is when you MUST take care of yourself and do whatever you need to support YOU.

You can and will get through this.

19imhurt...

I am very sorry! It is normal when the love of your life betrays to fall from being He-Man to a Smurf. There is nothing but support for you here.

I wanted you to know that i started to read your post and got to this, which wrenched my gut.

What I am getting at here is that I am not without fault. I contributed to this. As hard as it is, I accept that. But she pulled the trigger.

My gut is still twisted over what you said.

Please read this well.

You have NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! Nothing! Not one thing!

Infidelity is an addiction, you must understand it as such. We do not seek what creates drug addicts or alcoholics because we understand that something broke inside the person and treat is as such. Do we actually blame "life itself" for causing someone to seek the high of drugs or any other form of addiction???? NO!

Infidelity is the same animal and has nothing to do with marriage issues.

Look at it rationally as hard as it may be for you now. You were never bad enough of a person to leave as if it was sooo bad... she also said you would never know... she had fun... it was her high! So in the same contradiction that other addicts use, she says she wants to stay with you... if you change, but she already told you that she never meant to leave....

She is speaking out of both endd of her arse.. just as with most other cheaters. She is blame-shifting and then saying "she will take you back if you change" HELL F**king NO!

She has to earn you back!

You were her first and I have seen many stories where the wife has strayed having only one lover, my wife almost did as I was her first as well. They getting excited by the butterflies and chemical high someone new brings and it enhances anything they do to the point that if they were a complete bum, it would not matter. That is the power of the addiction.

Do not tell her anything even remotely close to forgiving or reconcile, she is no where near remorseful. And to reconcile you need 2 people.

If anything I would act as you are planning to end the marriage.. many even file for divorce because remorse was never given and many times the cheater changes when they get the papers or see that their spouse is moving on.

I will now read the rest of your post but i could not get past what i quoted above.

[This message edited by atreides at 5:14 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)]

Welcome and so sorry that you find yourself here and in such terrible pain. You've already received tons of excellent advice here. I just want to reiterate something. You asked:

Ok, let's say all that is true, did I deserve to be cheated on? Really?

The answer is NO. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. Ever. Period. If your spouse is unhappy, she has the right to go to counseling, ask you to go to counseling, try a separation, file for divorce, etc. But they do not have the right to cheat, EVER.

You bear your responsibility for the problems in the relationship, just as she does. No unhappy marriage is ever 100% one person's fault. But bringing a third party -her affair partner- into it, that is never the answer. And that IS 100% her fault.

You did not deserve this. None of us did.

(((19IHSB73)))

okay, I want to answer your questions now that i have finished your post. First you need to make sure the affair is over and exposure helps with that, such as her family knowing and the other man if he has a wife, to tell her. She must also yield to transparency on everything which you can read below as I asnwer

Problem #1: I love her with all my heart, but how could I ever know if she really still loves me? Let's say I better myself and improve every aspect of our relationship, how could I ever make love to her without being haunted by mental images of her with him? How would I ever know that she really wants me passionately and isn't just letting me "do it"? How do I "get over" that?

Know this, you will know because she will take total blame and do everything in her power to earn you back. She will likely break down and offer anything she can to make it right.

If she blameshifts, she is not remorseful and thus cannot love you the way you would want. Then you will know she wants you.

As for the images, only time will heal and if you can reconcile, her attempts at winning you back genuinely will also help greatly.

Problem#2: I am so self conscience now, I could NEVER be in front of her naked. I feel embarrassed about the way I look and I am just horrified. So I don't think I could do it anyways, not any time soon. How do I "get over" this? She hasn't made me feel like I have a small penis, she's made me feel like I have NO penis. Another detail, in my eyes, she is a Goddess. She really is that beautiful. Which makes this so much worse.

Right now, you need to work on you... in not only helps you but usually gets your cheating spouse to want you more as well. So simply know this, you are NOT inadequate! You basically are emotionally comparing yourself to a chemical high, it cannot be done.

Therefore it is not about you are what you perceive to be lacking.

I can tell you this, that if she genuinely changes to earn you back, all your confidence will start to come back. But don't wait on her, you need to start separating yourself from her as illogical as that may sound, it is the only way to 1. get control. 2. give you the options you want such as to have the power to reconcile or the power to leave her... you will not however win anything by not taking control of the situation and dictating to her what she needs to do to earn you back.

Problem#3: we are going to do some more talking this wed, thur, and fri nights......a couple hours each night. We will be trying to answer the "what do we do now?" question. If I can't get her to admit to doing this more that she has admitted to, what should I do about that? Again, no I have not one shred of evidence but I know in my soul, I have just known her too long, I was looking right in her face when I asked and she was stuttering and stammering, things she NEVER does. She won't admit wrongdoing unless there is proof. She was still blown away that she had already been snared without proof, she was not about to give up anything else. When I ask about how long and she sticks with her "only those two times" answer, assuming my intuition is wrong (it's not), how would I be able to believe her?

I would honestly do this... I would tell her to move out for a time in that she needs to make a decision and it is her choice:

that what she did is a deal breaker... that even if there is a remote possibility of trying to save the marriage, that she will need to earn you back and in the meantime you will be preparing to end the marriage. That it is on her to make the decision, just as she did to cheat on you and you need to see her follow through.

She will need to write down the entirety of the affair and no secrets or you leave.

She must have total transparency of all electronic devices... no more social media for a time.

She must stick to a strict schedules and do any type of counseling you ask for.

She must OWN the whole of her infidelity and not blame 1 thing on you.

Other members will add to this list but you must enforce it.

I would also see a lawyer in the meantime and get your things in order, please do not hesitate on this.. you need to take control of this.

Problem#4: be careful what you ask for. What if she just comes clean and it's a bigger list that even I think it is, what do I do then? I would have to give her credit for being honest but I know in my heart that it would crush me beyond any ability to EVER heal.

This is actually a requirement... she must tell you. It is a step but not one that earns her credibility... she is caught.. remember that. You must know the truth and remove all lies in order to rebuild and first and foremost the affair must be over.

Separation time that you control helps with her making the decision. Separation is not a necessary thing but so long as you control it then it helps...HOWEVER if she asks to separate... NO NO NO... that means she wants to keep the affair going and will lead to disaster.

You must understand, she made the choices for you and now you have to rebuild yourself first regardless of winning her back or not.. you may not but I guarantee you that you will never have her back if you try to NICE her back. It never ever works.

cheers brother and sending strength.

[This message edited by atreides at 5:44 PM, September 24th (Wednesday)]

I haven't read all of the advice given but I know you've been given sound advice so far. I feel for you brother I really do and remember that we've all been there at one point or another sometimes 2, 3, or 4 times for some.

This shit hurts like no other brother and the pain will be different as you go through the stages. Be prepared for them as they come. There is going to come that time when you are so angry and disgusted that you want to say fuck it and leave.

It will get better though trust us. You and I are similar as I was my wife's one and only and she betrayed me so fast that it still makes my head spin around. The main thing for you is to get the truth and not make any promises. This woman needs to truly understand what she's done and right now she's probably still lying through her teeth.

If I were you I'd have her take a polygraph or at least mention it and see how she reacts. You can't even begin to move forward without the truth.

Bless you brother and God speed on the healing. It's a tough road ahead but you'll make it.