SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

my partner admits it only took being caught for him to really realise what we had, how bad it was what he was doing and aftermath effect its had on me and children and our relationship.

But for me recovering now from it all, one of the hardest things to come to terms with is he didn't want to stop the affair, he admits he still would have been doing it now and was neive to think he wouldn't get caught. It was a 2.6 sexual affair he had I know there was no love there. Was just the thrill of it and cause it was easy he said.

But when he was caught he threw her under the bus straight away and ended it and it's me he wants. No contact with her what so ever. And he has done everything to prove so these last 10 months. But a part of me can't let go that thought of him still being at it had I not discovered it all.

Anyone relate to this? or maybe a WS view of also taken being caught before you saw the light/wake up call.

My fWH ended it when he realized I was catching on and he couldn't hide it. He knew I wouldn't put up with that shit the way the work w()*&^ would. He wanted me, not the easy work w*()$#, so he ended it.

Honestly, I think it is because they want it all. They are cake eaters. They want us...the caring, loyal, loving spouses that do everything for them. They also want the exciting, new ego kibble feelings(there was a time when we all had that) of the broken AP that they can connect to because they are broken themselves. When faced with losing the best thing...they back pedal big time.

What is comes down to; they are broken, self-centered, and selfish. I believe that our spouses were just not capable of moving on or into the next level of real love. They need the feeling/excitement of fresh new infatuation and ego-feeding or they honestly think they are not in-love. Kinda sad and pathetic. I really feel bad for them all.

..if I had a nickel for every person I've heard say they "thought" they'd never get caught..!!!!

..this type of thinking goes with murderers, rapists and thieves as well..

..I maintain that my wife would have kept right on with the liason until he died, had I not caught them( OM was my bf for 25 years when I found out) their intention was to take it to the grave..

..the ultimate justice was served up to that piece of shit I thought was my friend.. a guilt and shame induced brain tumor that killed him at 57.

..my wife tells me she tried to end it several times but he kept calling and begging for another meet up and she would eventually cave from the pressure. It went on for 18 years..

..he was relentless and she was weak..

They both were pathetic.

..like you said, their was no love there, but she admits it was exciting, illicit, and the thrill of the game they played..

..my advice.. is in my sig line..

"Trust no-one...love only your pets!"

..take good care of yourself.

smy

when caught - both times - my husband said he needed more time to end the affairs. Really, you need more time to disrespect me? Chalking it up to idiot/alien ville.

I know exactly how you feel, though my situation is a bit different. But my H's affair did not stop until he got caught. He insists it was "winding down", ending anyway, though ALL evidence points to just the opposite, but that's another story.

I find myself wondering all the time, where would we be today if he hadn't been caught? I truly believe he would still be with her. She wanted him, wanted him to leave me, grow old together, and maybe - maybe - eventually she would have grown tired of his excuses for not leaving me. But I don't think so, she accepted his crumbs for over 2 years with little complaint.

So I think had he not been caught, they'd still be together. It makes me crazy that I'll never really know the answer to that, only what I think. But you don't see many stories on here where the WH confesses and THEN breaks it off. Seems it's always they got caught....

I can relate.

My WH's affair was 3 years and he fully and openly admits he didn't want it to end. He liked it.

He immediately went NC with the AP and ended it once I found out--well, there was a time during the first week that he was "managing" and doing "damage control". He was afraid that she was going to spill her guts and tell me things he didn't want me to know---which she did.

I think it is human nature to try to get away with something as long as you can without getting caught.

What bothers me is why I didn't realize what he was doing sooner---what a fool I was. So many "Red Flags" missed. Sigh.

Actually, today, I came across a very good list of "Are they cheating" from the Good Men Project.

"Charles J. Orlando asks people who’ve cheated what signs and behaviors should tip partners off.

1. They stray from their predictable everyday behavior.

2. They have unpredictable mood swings and schedules.

3. They have a overnight change in their weight and/or appearance.

4. They have an overnight change in musical taste. ( this one happened for me---WH started liking what I refer to as "Miami" music --turns out that is where AP is from)

5. They remember things incorrectly or loses track of the details.

6. They need lots of privacy.

7. They have a drastic change in sexual appetite and style. ( This one applied to our situation as well---he started doing "new" things in bed, I asked and he said he got the new moves from porn. HA! Now, I know better.)

8. They hide their financial history.

9. They have new “friends” at work and/or more work responsibilities.

10. They’re secretive with their use of technology. ( So many Missed Red Flags here. )“iMessages on the iPhone are untraceable on cell phone bills. I would only text [my mistress] when it was safe and then delete the messages immediately. To this day my wife doesn’t know how I communicated with [my mistress].”

[This message edited by MissedRedFlags at 9:17 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)]

when caught - both times - my husband said he needed more time to end the affairs. Really, you need more time to disrespect me? Chalking it up to idiot/alien ville.

my wh is asking me to wait too. i asked wait what, 2 or 3 years and he said maybe.

My WS said it did stop for small periods of time but she blackmailed him a lot and threatened to commit suicide on more than one occasion. Was a lot of guilt as she was his ex and mother of his children.

He also admits it was a lot to do with insecurities within himself and his past relationship with her that caused him to cheat.

And admits in being selfish that he didn't think about anyone but himself at the time if doing it.

Somanyyears I am hoping for karma one day for her too as I don't like her one bit, never have even before I found out was happening I always sensed she was trouble and never left my WS alone.

Delilah169 same here she also wanted him to get with her and leave me. But for me I seen in the messages proof of him saying no and he didn't want to lose what he had with me while affair was going on.

But basically he was happy to use her for sex and didn't need to stop that till caught. What's funny is he made out to everyone he hates her, he's lied not only to me but his family and best friends. He still insists he hates her but how can you have a sexual affair with someone you hate I'll never understand that

I stopped my A after I kissed the guy. I felt horribly guilty and was afraid I'd end up doing more, because that was his plan.

Not all A's end when the WS gets caught.

I ended mine too and confessed - doesn't make it any better. But I think it is one step in the right direction as far as rebuilding trust.

FWH would not have stopped any of his infidelities if I hadn't found out about them. At least for him, "We have to stop doing this" must be an aphrodisiac. Whenever they would "try to break up," it just made the emotions higher and the sex hotter.

It took him a week of pitiful angst, and me getting ready to leave, for him to end the first A, but he threw the other two under the bus the day I found out about them.

Things are going well, but when I write it out in black and white like this, I still sometimes wonder why I am R'ing.

What is comes down to; they are broken, self-centered, and selfish. I believe that our spouses were just not capable of moving on or into the next level of real love. They need the feeling/excitement of fresh new infatuation and ego-feeding or they honestly think they are not in-love. Kinda sad and pathetic. I really feel bad for them all.

^^^^^that.

I was D back in April, but DDay was actually last month. There were so many things wrong so I just threw in the towel. I always suspected an affair, but never had any proof, nor any admission from my XWH.

Yet he told me last month of two physical affairs, one going on for 10 years. The other for 2 years. I guess he figured he didn't have to deal with my hurt and anger so he told me. At least it allows me to put the pieces of the puzzle together. It all makes sense now, not that it makes me feel any better.

He even agrees with the first sentence quoted above. Those are nearly the words that came out of his mouth last week.

I stopped it myself and confessed soon after. For those who need to get caught it seems like the reality doesn't hit them until it happens.

In my case it didn't stop.

My fWW was using the A as an exit A.

She was tring to get caught, by me hopefully, but as it turned out it was by their assistant manager.

fWW took our DD's and went back to her parents to get ready for the OM to D his BS to be with her.

What stopped it was the realization that he was only using her for sex because his pregnant wife wouldn't.

He had no intention of following her and it took several unanswerd phone calls to make her see the truth. The last one being to his work number only to find out he's been fired.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 9:20 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)]

We discussed this yesterday. My WH said that he knew what he was doing was wrong, he kept trying half heatedly to end it (making her chase him, increasing the fantasy for him), but he would tell himself that he had already betrayed me, he was already in it, already a cheated, so why not just continue? It is sick. Really sick. And he knows it.

I have the same issues/doubts. WH ended the A as soon as I found out. Any contact he had with her in the next couple of days were for damage control.

My initial instinct when I found out was to kick him out. In some ways I actually found it more hurtful that he was able to let go of the A partner as if she meant nothing to him. He did that to me, our family and our M, over somebody who did not mean much to him. In my mind I somehow thought that it would almost have been better if there was some actual emotion/luv.

I have realized I will never understand this or be able to let it go.

But a part of me can't let go that thought of him still being at it had I not discovered it all.

My wayward only ended his LTA because he was caught.

I actually asked him initially after dday, how long he planned to continue seeing her.

His answer was: How ever long she was interested.

He now has changed his tune. He said he was just grasping at straws to give me answers to my rapid fire questions.

He now says, he knows he would have soon gotten bored with the married OW because she was starting to become too possessive and too demanding.

One example he gave was that he was talking to a clerk at a coffee shop.

The MOW saw him, came up to the counter and created a scene by starting to yell about him cheating on her with the counter girl

Huh!

[This message edited by seethelight at 1:56 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)]

Because in my instance, my husband was a coward. The MOW left her husband and invented this story to make my husband tell me so I would throw him out and into her arms.

The second time (same woman), I caught him red handed with her. He states he wanted to end it at that point was afraid of getting her pissed. She would have called and told me everything and at that point he knew he wanted me and our family but, again, was too much of a coward to make a decision himself.

My husband wants me to make all decisions, yet one of the reason he claimed he ran to her was because I was controlling.

My WH said it was almost over when he got caught but that was a lie. I realized they are so good at lying that almost everything is a lie in the beginning. Once they start they don't have a reason not to continue because this is their new normal.They start to schedule their life around the affair. Eventually the OW started making demands that were making him uncomfortable but he continued and probably would have for a few years. Most times the OW wants to see how much power they have so they start making some type of demands. My WH was weak and enamored of this whore for 3 years so he would have stayed. Now he is completely remorseful, and can't believe that he was that person but it has been a long, painful, journey. Affairs are so devastating to everyone.