SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a FWW who had an LTA. DDay was 5 years ago. My BH and I are in R even though we are still struggling.

Before my A/during my BH never looked at porn, we had a regular sex life, I would say on average 4-5 times a week mostly. Of course there were weeks when it was less. So since DDay I have seen that he is watching porn, I would say it is NOT a regular thing, and I don't know exactly how often because he does it from his cell phone and he goes incognito so he thinks he is hiding it.

I have told him it is upsetting to me, but he doesn't "seem" to care. There are times during our R that we have not been intimate for about a week or so span and at those times it doesn't seem to bother me as much. But when we have been intimate recently and he watches it, then I don't understand. I was hoping some men on the board could help me not to be so hurt by it.

For example he asked for me to perform oral on him the night before last, which I did, and we had sex Saturday and Sunday night as well. So he had to work last night, he came home at 3 in the morning and this morning I see he watched it on his phone. He was still sleeping when I left for work.

This upsets me more so now, and which is why I am going to the lengths of writing about it here because we had a WONDERFUL talk over the weekend. We got A LOT of things out and I told him that I want us to be close. I want us to be best friends, I want to grow together and be strong, united. He wanted the same. He cried and I cried. I thought we were finally on some solid footing, and now this upset me again.

Can someone please give me some insight. I know if I go to him he will get upset that I saw it on his phone, and he will even it out by mentioning my A. Am I over reacting?

Thank you so much for reading.

It is really unclear to me why the porn upsets you, so I think if you clarify in your head before you approach him you can work with him to find a solution that works for you both.

Do you want him to wake you up for a quickie at 3am? Are you upset by the fact that he masturbates, or the idea that he uses visual aids? Or is it just the idea that he thinks he needs to hide it from you?

One of our agreements post dday was no more porn. WH is trying to live an authentic life and I think there is nothing authentic about porn. That being said, you can tell him what you want, but you cannot make him do it. If you tell him no porn and he cannot respect that then you have to figure out what your own reaction will be. Encourage IC maybe?

OK, I take a stab at this one, as a BS (husband) maybe it's a way getting even. He's looking at porn as a way to have a revenge affair on you.

His is "virtual" for lack of a better term, your porn was a six year physical affair.

Do you have ANY idea how difficult that is for a decent husband to wrap his head around.

I haven't read all your posts, but what penalty did you actual pay for this betrayal?

Do your children know, your family, his family, your friends, or was is all kept pretty quite? Your co-workers? the AP spouse?

I'm guessing very few people know. I'm also guessing he feels like he's the only one really paying a price here.

Is the porn helping? Of course not, but it may just be a way to cope.

Maybe it is a way to cope albeit a VERY unhealthy way to do so. Watching porn was one of the ways my WH disassociated himself from me. It was ALL about him and, left me out emotionally as well as physically. Over time it turned into an obsession and I felt the distance in every way possible. In the end, he acted on his impulses to have a "porn experience" (as advertised by the hookers on their websites).

IMHO, if your common goal is to reconcile and either one of you is doing something hurtful to the other, it's counterproductive and, will go down in flames. R is supposed to be about putting things back together and that isn't possible if either party in the relationship isn't all in. Way wards should have healthy boundaries and you get to decide if you are willing to stay in a relationship that offers up pain in retaliation of your past.

I think you need to answer (for yourself) the questions that the first poster gave you, write them down, then hae a good talk with your husband about it.

Maybe at one point he felt it was wrong but now after your affair to him porn isn't so bad, it could be worse, he could be having a full blown LTA (just something he may be thinking)

Also maybe his sex drive has gone up and its just a tool to get the job done.

Talk to him, if that doesn't help bring it to MC.

I have read a few of your posts and as a man and a BH the porn thing may be a source of the anger your H has. I was a avid porn viewer before d-day. I realize now how unhealthy it had become for me. I can only speak for myself but it affected the way I viewed females and healthy relationships. I also knew porn had the potential to fuel anger towards my WW. Fortunately porn no longer has any place in my life and I don't miss it one bit.

I think masturbation is normal for men but watching people do demeaning and unrealistic things to each other while masturbating can be destructive to your ability to develop intimacy, trust and security with one single partner.

Good luck and I respect your patients while your H finds his way.

Masterbating to porn is mental cheating. To downplay it by calling it a

visual aids?

is mind boggling to me. It is not ok to watch other people having sex to the point of orgasm without your partner. IMHO it is cheating.

IMHO (and in the opinion of the vast majority of the medical/mental health profession) masturbating to porn is not cheating, and everyone has the right to a private solo sex life.

IF one's private solo sex life detracts from one's relationship with their partner, then there could be an issue.

After my fWW's affair , I looked at it a little bit. I had in my mind that they had some kind of "great, passionate, best-ever" sex. I know the OM was in to porn because wife told me so. I was looking at it with the mind set that I was seeing what they did. ( faulty reasoning , I know ). Now that we are more back to normal ( as normal as we can be...) I haven't looked at it in a long time.

Masterbating to porn is mental cheating. To downplay it by calling it a

visual aids?

is mind boggling to me. It is not ok to watch other people having sex to the point of orgasm without your partner. IMHO it is cheating.

We are in agreement.

I think the OP needs to bring this issue to MC.

I'm confused because sometimes its OK and sometimes its not? Do you tell him 'OK for the next few days you can cause I don't plan on having sex with you' then say 'OK we had sex now no porn for the next 2 days'

You need to talk about it with him. What are the expectation you both have and it needs to be clear.

For example I don't care if my husband watches porn when I'm unavailable. But I would care if it means he won't have sex with me. And it must be done on his phone and history deleted after so our son doesn't find it.

First off your sex life seems healthy.

Second, NO PORN, there is nothing good about it, not speaking from a religous or moral place but it just robs men of their vigor, their relationships and poisions the soul, not to mention teaches men how to orgasm quickly.

If I were you, I'd say, hey babe, I know you still enjoy the porn but what really turns me on is you and me. I want to be avalible to you whenever you are horny, I think it makes our relationship stronger and well, I like it.

I want you to please me sexually and I want to please you...heck even IF you came home at 3am and wanted some, come get me tiger.

EDIT HERE> Every book on sex and masculity I have read or listened to says PORN should be avoided. As for is it cheating or not, that is for each couple to decide. If a couple wants to watch porn together at the same time to get things warmed up, might be fine too. 2 more cents.

[This message edited by steppingup at 6:13 PM, March 13th (Friday)]

STBXWH#2 and I watched porn every once in a while when we first got together. After he started his LTA, he started watching it everytime we had sex (sorry making love was not what it was). I voiced my opionin about it after I found out about the A, 2yrs at that point. He would wait until I went to sleep and then go out on the backporch and watch porn and masterbate. Here I am devasted by the A and all he cares about is porn. I went on a business trip for a week, the day I was leaving he ran out an bought a new Porn tape (which he tried to hide) and a new DVD player. When I asked him why, he said the other was not working right and he wanted to watch a movie. Anyway, I found out he had OW here again durng that week. I begged and pleaded for him to stop the porn. It was affecting our sex life in a big way. He would say he would and then he would go right back to watching it again. It was almost like another addiction for him and he was still breaking NC with the OW. So everyone that wants to say that it is healthy, I beg to differ when it gets to be an addiction and causing add'l problems in a marriage. JMO

I have mixed feelings about this. My ex husband, I'm pretty sure, was an undiagnosed SA. I just couldn't keep up with him sexually. He always looked at porn, but over time, he started replacing sex with me with porn. He would actually tell me that sex with me was work, because he had to please me, whereas with porn he only had to please himself. That hurt, a lot. My BH, on the other hand, has a job where he is often away from home, and it has never bothered me if he wanted to look at porn and take care of his needs when I wasn't around. It would bother me if porn took away from our sex life, but in this case it doesn't. So, maybe ask your BH why he looks at it, and ask yourself when it is or isn't ok for you.

[This message edited by ChanceToChange at 7:00 PM, March 13th (Friday)]

But when we have been intimate recently and he watches it, then I don't understand.

Is it because it seems that he's choosing other women over you or implying your experiences together aren't enough for him by watching so soon after your intimacy? I think sometimes it can help to put words to exactly why it bothers us... But truthfully, you don't need a reason. It upsets you. He needs to respect that and open up about it with you, instead of deflecting...

I know if I go to him he will get upset that I saw it on his phone, and he will even it out by mentioning my A.

Oh really? So instead of listening to you and validating your feelings, he decides to deflect by bringing up your A? And do you "even it out" by bringing up his A when he does this? No, you don't... Because unlike him, you've taken responsibility for your choices. I got the impression that he never took responsibility for his betrayal of you earlier in your relationship, and it seems that once again, he's not taking responsibility for hurting you with the porn.

Am I over reacting?

Nope, you are not overreacting. Porn is a personal issue. Some people are comfortable with it, some aren't, and honestly there's nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with it. It involves sex, and even though they might not be there in the flesh, this sex involves other people outside of your marriage. It involves seeing someone else naked who isn't your spouse, doing one of the most personal things a person can do (even if the stars make it impersonal). If someone finds it at all upsetting, then I think their partner needs to take them very seriously.

This thread has been bumped up and was originally from November of 2014. RSEB may no longer need help with this issue or even think to check this thread. Just an FYI to those replying.

I dislike porn because as a woman, seeing it makes me feel-I don't have the right words. Its like I feel made fun of, like I'm a joke. I hate the way they advertise the porn women like they are flavors "hot Asian XXx" or "Naughty schoolgirls HotHot." I know enough about the exploitation of women in the sex industry to know that probably half of the women in the pictures are being trafficked and not getting any money for what they do. That makes it extra gross for me, because I see a person in the pictures, not a flavor or a toy, and I wonder who she is and what will happen to her.

By WH has always used porn, and it was irritating, but I didn't tell him not to do it. After Dday that changed, it turned into one more way to hurt me, one more way that he just didn't get what he had done to me..