SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Agree with TheEdge. If I had the slightest hint of my W feeling something like that I'd be out the door faster than the Seahawks comeback.

You don't want to be someone's plan B. You will see how quickly you become manly and desirable as soon as you start to move on.

Man, the TRUTH is that men with low self-esteem and huge egos, who are *cowards* by nature, f**k around with married women.

Please STOP trying to DEFINE YOURSELF because of the sordid, despicable actions of a man who honors no one nor anything, which is proven by his actions of cheating with and f'ing a married woman.

Realize, your WW cheated because SHE WANTED TO. There is nothing you could do to stop that unless you know how to do mind control on someone. But you didn't or else you wouldn't be here, right? Yep, IT'S ALL ON HER. She needs to OWN IT, 100%!!!

You ARE a man, a good man, who self-sacrificed for his family. That is honorable. Self-sacrifice does NOT mean you are a "doormat", that's something else entirely.

Man, the TRUTH is that men with low self-esteem and huge egos, who are *cowards* by nature, f**k around with married women.

This ^^^^^^^

He's not a real man, he's a punk and only immature woman (girls) find punks attractive.

Real men take care of their families and love their wife and children....now THAT is manly in my book

I wish more men like you knew what most women truly believe being manly is. For starters, a man who loves and cherishes his wife and babies, who respects himself, his wife, his children and his marriage enough to be faithful is very manly. Knowing that fucking someone elses wife is wrong so NEVER DOING IT is manly. Having the strength and depth of character within you to even consider reconciliation with a WW is manly. OM is just a cheating punk who threw your WW under the bus to save his own ass. Not manly. Who gives a shit if his ass goes rock-climbing every weekend?!? You're the one doing the real man thing - taking care of business at home and trying to hold your family together. Sorry but it sounds like your WW just does not have a clue right now.

Stronger's post does summarize this scumbag style perfectly. My wife stupidly fell for the same line of BS, and then realized what a pud jerkoff he was.

This guy squirmed and whined when confronted on the phone like a little rabbit. Gonna get a PO on me, call the law, etc. Afraid to meet up.

So, I go to his office. This dashing action figure runs out an emergency exit, sets off an alarm on the door, and then thru a creek. All while wearing a suit and tie. Yeah, pretty glamorous existence, all right.

Where are the wives and kids for these "big men"? Who cares and protects them? That's a man's job.

Hang in there MAN! I was you and at times still have self doubt. I was selfless in my persute to make my wife happy. I did the laundry , cleaned house even cooked supper so she could rest when she got home from work. It feels good to do these things and they relay care.

Like you I was t in perfect shape but by no means a couch potato. The thing is that my WW had actually let herself go more than me over the years but I loved her more every day. I still think she's sexy as hell and told her every day.

The thing is the free time I gave her was spent starting an EA. Sucks the fucking life out of you when you discover that they don't seem to love you as much as you love them. That's her flaw not yours.

Get out of the house , join the gym. You'll find out that it helps in many ways. It will help release the rage, you'll forget about all this shit for a short while. You'll see a difference in a very short time. There's mussels you've got that you've forgotten about. It will help your self esteem!!

Lasty let her do all the shit around the house that you did before. She won't like it , it won't seem fair to her , tuff shit! Rally , tell her to pack her shit and go stay with rock climber dude. She'll see that she's not #1 in his eyes , she's an easy piece of ass to him.

Man I really feel for you I've gone through this shit and it took me some time to get my MAN back but you can survive. There are great women out there that would love to have a man treat them like a queen but that's your WW choice not yours. You can't nice her back to reality but you can show her your strong with or without her.

Manly is what you're doing. Taking care of the family, being a strong and reliable personality. Getting up in the middle of the night when your child cries about a bad dream to comfort them- I still remember feeling so safe after nightmares when my dad would come tell me everything was alright and fix my blankets. That was a real man.

As for your wife. Understanding she is pregnant, so long as she's not on bed rest and its a uncomplicated pregnancy, she's fine. I tell you this as a petite woman who carried a nearly 10lb baby. I drove myself 300+ miles at 36 weeks pregnant to close on our new house, leaving WH to finish packing. She can take care of herself- if she couldn't, her doctors would be all over it. You don't have to dote on her. Women do this all the time, even single or with the father is deployed. Do the right thing for the child- go the the dr appointments and what not, but there is no reason not to 180 your WW if you think that's the right thing for you.

You will see how quickly you become manly and desirable as soon as you start to move on.

Yup!

Where are the wives and kids for these "big men"? Who cares and protects them? That's a man's job.

Yup!

You all want to know the most ironic part about this whole thing? As I'm wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt - I just had a call with my boss (I am getting a huge promotion) and in the conversation he said "you know, the one thing you have never lacked is confidence and the ability to back it up". Ironic because of the WW perception of my lack of confidence.

Everyone's advice here is great.

Crushed you wrote:

Man, the TRUTH is that men with low self-esteem and huge egos, who are *cowards* by nature, f**k around with married women.

I love hearing this - same to everyone who wrote it. When will WW get this?

Irish you wrote:

Manly is what you're doing. Taking care of the family, being a strong and reliable personality. Getting up in the middle of the night when your child cries about a bad dream to comfort them- I still remember feeling so safe after nightmares when my dad would come tell me everything was alright and fix my blankets. That was a real man.

I've ALWAYS felt that way until this whole mess. Thank you, and everyone else for reminding me of this.

I love hearing this - same to everyone who wrote it. When will WW get this?

Truth be told, you have no idea. You have a clear picture of this, don't let yourself be gaslit (did I just make that up?).

My FWW AP was a chef, how exotic! (We're both foodie types) He worked at a pretty famous restaurant in our area, fed her a line of bullshit (no worse than the one she fed him to be sure) and off they went.

I am still not sure how or if she thinks of him. He was an EX BF, he has mental health issues, and really is there anyone out there that fucks a married woman and mother that isn't a loser?

I can't make her see that. I never could.

One other thing, she probably does see it a little bit, but she doesn't know it. Want to know a quick way to find out if she does? Have her served and fire up the old 180. She won't weigh the stability she has with you against the thrill she has with him against each other because right now she doesn't have to, she has both!

Imagine all of the romance when she needs clean underwear but he's going rock climbing instead of making sure the washer is fixed. What a beautiful utopia she will have as his live-in girlfriend while he's out seeking his next piece of ass. Oh, the wonder to find that she doesn't have the money to get her car fixed because he's so free-spirited he can't hold down a job!

Sure, take better care of yourself, do some things for you, make yourself more attractive, find some confidence in yourself. Do not for one more minute waste time comparing yourself to this "man".

Who are you? Loyal, patient, loving, caring, stable. Yeah maybe you could throw it all away, take up some dangerous hobbies and start banging 20 year olds, but who you are now sounds pretty manly to me.

You only have to pick yourself up one more time than you fall.

[This message edited by xhz700 at 4:11 PM, January 20th (Tuesday)]

Stronger08..Your take on things resonates with me too..

Your idea of a manly man,somebody with integrity is somebody who my WH isn't..Otherwise the WH would have chosen different options to leave the marriage, anything other than cheating..

WH may pretend all he wants, but when nitty gets down to the gritty, he is a coward..

A whiny one..

I read this and thought that is me. I wanted to take up boxing and screw this being a nice shit etc etc. So it was great to read other peoples responses. Because I think coming away from this thinking you have done the wrong thing by being a good husband is not the take home from this experience. But taking stock and thinking about what YOU want is. At least that is what I am trying to do.

This has really been the worst time of my life so I sympathize.

Good luck !

I don't know when she'll get it, but quite honestly that's her problem.

To be quite honest I read her post a few days ago and it pissed me off. To be as young as she is, with the absolute blessing of having two children and about to have a third, a loving, honest, faithful husband who is a good father - she SEES all this and cannot appreciate it? Tosses all of that to have an affair with some douche? While pregnant? I'm pregnant now, 21 weeks, and the thought of allowing another man to touch me while carrying my husband's child seriously makes me feel physically ill. She's lucky to have you and too jacked up in the head to realize it. Waiting for her to realize your worth is quite possibly an exercise in futility. The important thing is for YOU to realize your worth.

Stronger hit it on the head about OM. My ex picked the same prick. Thing is, they deserve each other. Granted, we are left to pick up the pieces.

Ask yourself, who would your kids rather have as a father when the going gets tough, when they are sick or need help. There's your answer to what it means to be a man.

I'm sorry I don't have time to read all the posts in this thread, or to provide a more thoughtful reply, but here goes:

You planned your whole life around your family. You were a faithful husband. THAT is the measure of a man. Not rock climbing or fucking married women.

Learn that and you'll see these types of guys and yourself in a whole new light.

If she can learn to be a woman, you might have a chance.

MWCBM

You have gotten so great opinions. And I hope you are internalizing them. YOU are the prize.

I'm not trying to insult you here, but you do need to change the narrative of this story. It is easy to focus on "prized wife picked other man and made me Plan B," to "I am Plan A and she can see if Mr. Wonderful will take her and three kids."

I know you want to keep you family together at all costs. And that part of you still loves your wife. And you honestly believe she is remorseful when the entirety of SI is telling you that she and remorse are not even in the same area code yet. But this focus is going to kill you. It is going to keep you seconding guessing your amazing worth.

Just let her struggle with Mr. Uber Confident paying bills, changing diapers, whatever. See how long she thinks he is Mr. Fantasy when the real world hits her head-on. You don't have to divorce her, but I would bet her Mr. Fantasy would look a helluva lot less sexy when she was staring at papers that would make her an adulteress single mother of three.

Quit painting yourself as less manly. Change your narrative. For your sake and the sake of your children, whom I am sure you do not want to learn the selfish, entitled, and destructive behaviors of your wife.

Want to know why OM can live that type of life ? Because he is a scumbag who poaches other men's wives, he lives the life of a fucking bum.

That OM is no man at all, not even close. I would not want to be in his shoes when the karma bus comes for him and it will.

It is disturbing that your wife is now pregnant after an affair. I would be very leery of what she says and how she acts at this time.

Your wife is the one that has a lot of work to do to rebuild trust again.

As a betrayed, we always put so much focus on the other person. It's fairly normal but such a waste of time. They are irrelevant, truly. They are nothing but a physical totem of our spouses brokenness. As you go further in this, you will realise that your ww would have cheated eventually and it would have been with anyone who gave her a compliment and came across confident. SHE IS BROKEN!!

Start comparing yourself to her instead. Start looking at her, at the reality that is her.

You see, I am the female version of you, the constant, the care giver, the one always there, wanting to give, give and give to make my WH happy. I wasn't a push over but I cared so much that I sacrificed a lot for what he felt were his needs. That led to him taking a stance of taking me for granted, I was always going to be here when he got home, I wasn't going anywhere, effort didn't need to be put into me because he already had me. He wasn't all in our relationship, he was all up his own arse!!

Look at your relationship honestly. Does your ww give back what she gets? Does she take care of you, put you first, surprise you, give you time to have you time without the kids outside of work. All the things you do for her, does she do in return. Now when I write that, I don't mean that she must give back exactly what you give her etc, but what I mean is, that there is a certain balance in a relationship, is most of the weight on your side?

I also wanted to address your assertion of kindness. I really believe it depends on your definition of kindness. What does that mean to you? Because you can be kind whilst serving her divorce papers. You can be kind whilst asking her to move out. You can be kind whilst telling her that your relationship is going to change, here is how and why, if she doesn't like it then she is free to leave. Being kind is not accepting the shit sandwich she is offering and being thankful that she is there at all. Being kind is not sitting there listening to her talk about the OM as if he is a superstar that you cannot live up to.

Some examples

Not kind- Get the F out of my house and don't expect a penny from me you stupid whore, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire!

Kind- I will not longer accept living with a woman who will not be entirely in our Marriage. You have a choice to either accept the responsibility for the affair and see it for the sordid thing that it is, respect me and our family and work hard to fix your brokenness. Or leave and follow your 'heart', I will sign the divorce papers and give you what you are entitled to from our assets.

You are more then enough man. That other POS is just that a POS. And I would know because that was my WH, now he is working his arse of be like you, a real man, a family man, a man that sacrifices for his family and puts them first. The man that I NEED him to be!