SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Moving Forward after Infidelity

Whether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're the partner who feels betrayed, Dr. Phil can help you move forward.

Were you cheated on?

***It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time.

***Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.

***Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.

***Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.

***If your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

***There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure.

***If there was a child born of the infidelity, understand that your spouse will forever have a relationship with that child's other parent. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to be part of that or not.

Did you have an affair?

***Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge.

***It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.

***In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it.

***Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.

***Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free your partner, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work.

***Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?

***Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.

***Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse can trust you again. And you do it until.

***If a child was born of the infidelity, you will have to have contact with the other person in order to be co-parents. And you do this the right way by not having any contact without your spouse's involvement. If you want to talk with the other person, then you do it with your spouse present.

***Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.

***If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their allies.

Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success.

*no posting URL's*

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:14 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)]

Dr. Phil is an idiot.

I am no Dr. Phil groupie, but what was there in this that bothered you? To me, it seems pretty on target.

Dr. Phil is an idiot.

We'll just have to agree to disagree on this point.....but thanks for sharing.

I thought it was interesting how nearly everything that we speak about here in terms of *recovering* from infidelity was included on the list.

Not sure about Dr. Phil's intellectual capacity.

But I thought that list was excellent. Almost like a Cliff's Notes of good advice.

Spot on in my opinion

Read this the other day & loved it!!! My favorite part:

"Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters."

Dr. Phil hit the nail on the head. How is he an idiot? How I wish Dr. Phil was my mc.

Personally, I like Dr. Phil and I tend to agree with him most of the time.

I feel this information from Dr. Phil is pretty accurate and good advice.

I know many hate Dr. Phil. I don't know why. He doesn't bother me in the least. Even if I don't always completely agree with him ( I feel he is sometimes too easy on his guests when they need to have a giant wake up call) he doesn't bother me. I have a friend who feels Dr. Phil is a bully. I find him quite the opposite.

Maybe lost thinks differently because of her point of view. As a BS I think it makes sense, as a WW you may not want to be told to act like a grownup. Not many people like being told they are wrong, even when we are.

Personally, I like Dr. Phil and I tend to agree with him most of the time.

I agree

I'm not a huge Dr Phil fan, but this hit the nail on the head.

"Time heals nothing..." really struck a chord with me. One of my pet peeves is hearing people say "time heals all wounds." It's not true or that simple.

I don't watch him a lot, but I really like a lot of what he has to say.

I like a lot of the things he has to say and I really like that he and Mr. Mackey from South Park sound alike. M'kay?

^^^^ ^^^^

^^^ This.

I like Dr. Phil

Great list

I very much like Dr Phil. I especially like comparing his end of show thoughts and summaries to my own.

I partially disagree with the first part of the second bullet that says "Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless."

This is great advise for a new BS until the BS recognizes and understands blame shifting. For the long haul however, I needed to understand my wife's thought processes during her affair so that I could believe she was changing, so I could trust she will not have another affair in the future. I needed to makes sense of it to trust myself to trust her.

[This message edited by still-living at 5:39 AM, February 19th (Thursday)]

I'm kinda so-so on Dr. Phil. He often paints with a broad brush when real life often is more complicated.

But on the other hand, I think a lot of these key points are on-target.

Dr. Phil talks a good game, but his behavior towards betrayed husbands on his show doesn't back up his words.

He lost my respect long ago when he had a couple on the show and the betrayed husband essentially got pilloried by the audience and ignored by Phil.

The wife was given center stage. She was obviously severe BPD...even someone who knows nothing about personality disorder could see she was two sandwiches short of a picnic...

She confessed to five PAs and numerous online EAs over a marriage that spanned twenty years. The husband looked haggard and totally demoralyzed and told Phil he had no more energy to stay with her and put up with her garbage.

Of course Phil immediately turned his back on the guy and focused on the poor, put out, emotionally tormented, cheating, disfunctional, unsympathetic WW, offering her all this psychiatric help that, frankly, she should have sought for herself long long ago. For the next twenty minutes or so the husband, who seemed like a very decent man and generous betrayed husband, was pushed to the background d and treated like a non-entity...all because he wouldn't give his WW one more chance after toiling through twenty years of giving her chance after chance after chance, only to have her repay him by continued infidelity.

I have no respect for Dr Phil or any of the Oprah contingent. None whatsoever.

[This message edited by BeerParty at 7:23 AM, February 19th (Thursday)]