SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok

I'm giving this everything now to do everything I can to repair my relationship with my husband. I cheated- it was my escape outlet. I know it was absolutely wrong and awful. I am sorry.

I tried and should have gone to counseling years ago- I just didn't want to go by myself. I was desperate for change in my life and couldn't see a way out. So I slowly spiraled out of control, thinking I was ok and managing. Wrong!

My BS seems open to looking at how we can make some changes in our household where it comes to kids having responsibilities - in a nutshell he will help me hold them accountable, he will help me more by reducing the driving/ cleaning/ working load for me. We owe taxes til April of 2016 if I put everything I earn into taxes. The money has been a big problem on our marriage. He is beginning to sit down and SHOW me where the joint money is going and what he expects to happen with his sales business so everything isn't a dang surprise for me where his income is concerned. Thank God. I hope to heal myself and forgive, forgive, forgive. I wish I had done a lot of things different and had been so much wiser. I hope it's not too late to fix, heal, and be stronger

I am seeing my IC tomorrow. I have a lot of junk and hurt to lose in a constructive way. I am very private, but appreciate comments and the support of you all out there. Thanks for reading my rant.

Have you committed to no contact with Mr Piano man?

Have you told your husband the truth about what really happened in that hotel room?

So I slowly spiraled out of control, thinking I was ok and managing

I think you were in control and knew exactly what you were doing. You planned every contact and every meet up with the OM.

Your words have little merit now. It's your actions that will determine how sincere you are.

Yes, I have confessed fully to what went on when I saw the AP to my spouse. I am also posting here to try to move forward and not repeat my same mistakes of breaking NC ever again- which I did in moments of weakness or when I wanted distraction from the reality of what was really bothering me in life. It was a way to numb myself. One of the places I went wrong is that I never would tell my spouse when I fell off the wagon until I was caught, even last week. I was wrong to view any contact with the AP at all as "ok." I did that simply because there was not actual sex involved, and it has taken me a long time to appreciate that emotional intimacy was still an affair. I have read a lot on this forum, many articles on affairs and several books. These other sources have helped me reshape what I thought I knew about relationships and have given me words to help define my true troubles in life. While I have functioned as a listener for others, I long ago quieted my own needs in my home. This is not an excuse for my behavior, but this is something I've identified about WTF I was doing to find myself here.

edith, I'm sorry that you're in this place. I get what you mean when you say you felt like you were spiraling out of control. Although some might not understand it, some of us have a very hard time feeling in control of our choices, regardless of the fact that we were the ones making them. Obviously, that is a pattern that can't continue. Have you looked into mindfulness meditation? I've started doing yoga and have been reading books and articles on mindfulness and its truly making me excited that I have the power to change what has felt broken for so long.

A basic first step would be sitting and focusing on your breathing. To help keep your mind focused on the task at hand, you literally think to yourself "I am breathing in, I am breathing out." Its obviously extremely hard to keep your mind from wandering, but saying this to yourself and bringing yourself back to it when you find your mind wandering is so helpful. The basic tenets of mindfulness meditation is that you bring attention to what your mind is thinking in every situation, which is really helpful to those of us who feel like we're not in control of our thoughts and actions.

I'd also recommend "Buddhist Bootcamp" by Timber Hawkeye. Its a FANTASTIC book that basically breaks down the major points of Buddhism in a way that are practical and applicable to the modern Western person.

Be well, Edith.

Edith

After 18 months the pit you are going to be digging yourself out of is going to be deep.

Your continued lying, and sneaking around has blown Away any real credibility you have.

In order for you to heal this marriage, you are going to have to do super-heroic things.

The first one I suggest is that you take the initiative. Book a polygraph for yourself. Your spouse is allowed 4 to 5 questions. Once booked then allow your spouse to work with the tester to refine the questions.

This will give your husband a kind of a foundation to start building on. There are two types of tests. The one where you are hooked up to the machine and one which is voice stress.

This journey is 2-5 years average for recovery. And this is if you do everything right. I admit that I haven't

Edith we have been in your shoes. We can be your biggest supporters. But we will call you on your bullshit. Because we have spouted the same BS ourselves.

I hope you understand the gravity of what you have done by involving your children in this. You used them to try to hide this from your husband. You tried to make them accessories to your deception.

Your kids are going to need help too. You and your husband are the roll models to them for what marriage is. So your selfish actions had more of an impact than you thought. Your job now is to work on yourself and become a safe partner to your betrayed spouse

Your spouse has his own issues and he needs to work on them himself.