SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out this morning that my partner cheated on me with her coworker. I'm still in a state of shock, and I've been experiencing a myriad of emotions. At first I was crying and distraught, then angry, then disbelieving, and then oddly accepting.

The story of how we got here is long and convoluted, and I am haunted by feelings like "what could i have done differently?" or "what was so wrong with us that she would do this to me?" I do know this, though -- she is extremely remorseful and is terrified of losing me. I am honestly not sure what I should do or if I even want to try to be with her, and I am reticent about making any knee jerk decisions. One thing I am particularly concerned about is how much contact I should have with her. I need to take care of myself, but I want her to be okay too. I would appreciate feedback. Thanks.

I think right now is you time. What feels best to you? Space and time apart, or closeness? You have a good chance to really set some boundaries as you feel they work best for you.

She'll be fine. She wasn't worried about your feelings while she was being unfaithful. Focus on what your needs are, not hers.

There will be a lot of support and good advice coming your way from this place.

Hey there, welcome to the most supportive place you never wanted to have the reason to find. You don't have to walk this road alone. We're all here for you.

What breakingdude said is true. This is like the airplane drill with the air masks. You need to take care of yourself first, slow down your own hemorrhaging as you bleed out from betrayal, before you can worry about anyone or anything else. The trauma of finding out that you've been betrayed by the one person that you have chosen to be totally vulnerable with, is very much like being hit by a train. You need to be very kind to yourself. Eat what you can. Stay hydrated. Rest. If you can't keep food down, get a whole-food nutrition drink and keep sipping it. Your W(wandering)P(partner) chose to betray you. It was a series of decisions and choices. She must now reap the consequences of her choices. You need to concentrate on yourself right now.

Please take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. There is a lot of good information there written by people who have BTDT and walked in your shoes. At the top of this forum is an article that you should read as well, on tactics. You need to gain some knowledge, in your anguish, about what the next little bit is likely to look like and feel like. So please start reading.

And keep posting. We're all here to help you. You're not alone.

Hi unsure,

My WW had a full blown affair with a coworker and we have been dealing with it for 8 mos now. I know how devastating it can be. In fact, today was her last day at work. It took 227 days for her to leave the job and every day has been like hell having her work with the om. My advice is to insist she leave pronto or you leave the relationship. Period. I would also consider outing the other person to the company or other spouse if there is one. I was at the point of divorce if my wife continued to work there. Bottom line, your relationship can't last if they still work together. Don't go thru 8 mos of agony like I did.

So sorry you've been going through this.

How old are you guys? How long have you been together? Do you have any kids?

Best wishes!

I'm still in a state of shock, and I've been experiencing a myriad of emotions. At first I was crying and distraught, then angry, then disbelieving, and then oddly accepting.

This is the beginning of the "rollercoaster from hell" that you will be on for a while. Believe me when I say that you are not prepared for this, I believed I was and I could not have been more wrong. However, you will survive. Get support from support groups, online or in person, get IC if you need it. If you have children then realize that everyone is traumatized by this.

The story of how we got here is long and convoluted

It is ALWAYS convoluted and the convolution is in the WS's life, frequently far more than you can imagine. It is almost never what you think it is, because you, like most BS's, will think it has something to do with you, your marriage, etc. It has nothing to do with you, or the marriage, it has to do with the WS. Once you "get" that, you will begin to understand.

"what could i have done differently?" or "what was so wrong with us that she would do this to me?"

Honestly, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. Nothing. Your WS is the only person who had any control over this. As far as you, or "us" and why she would do this, again there is no "us" in an affair, it is all the WS. The question is "What is wrong with my WS that she would do this to another person? What is it that I don't know or understand about the person I married?"

I do know this, though -- she is extremely remorseful and is terrified of losing me.

Initially the WS is often terrified, worried about themselves, and sad, tearful, full of apologies, etc. BUT, that is not remorse. Remorse comes months later when they understand what they did to another person, and are terrified by what they have done.

I need to take care of myself, but I want her to be okay too.

Take it day by day. Read the stories here, ask questions, read the profiles and understand that our stories are much like the one that is going to unfold on you.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome and the advice. I already feel a little better because rather than wallow in the sadness and anger or this situation, I am trying to get informed and educated about what is ahead for me and us.

To answer Hobbes' questions, we have been together 5 months. She is 33, I am 37. We have no kids, but we were in the process of making serious commitments. I am moving out of the condo I used to share with my ex wife and into a rented house in a matter of weeks. My partner was very uncomfortable visiting the condo I shared with my ex, and I understood why. Although she was not the sole reason I decided to move, the expectation was that she would be spending a lot of time at the new place and eventually would move in. We both agreed we needed a place untainted by the past that we could make our own. She lives at her parents house, and I was a frequent guest there up until the infidelity. I would sleep over a lot, and in general, we have spent a lot of time together there.

The fact that we do not yet have a place to be alone factored into the infidelity occurring, I think. Our sex life was basically on hold until I moved into my new place. I'm not making excuses for her actions, she's a not a robot, and I did not push her into the arms of the OP. I'm just trying to flesh out the conditions. The grand irony of all this is that if she had just waited 2 or 3 weeks, I would have been in the new place and we would have been able to change the dynamic significantly. Woulda coulda shoulda

I'm going to do some reading in the library and try to get more info on what is coming next. One thing I keep telling myself is that no matter what happens, I will be ok. Worst case scenario, I can start fresh in a new place and turn the page in my life completely, which is something I should have done a while ago anyway. I am not ready, however, to tell my partner to get lost. I need time to figure out what we both need and want.

[This message edited by unsureofwhattodo at 7:42 AM, February 28th (Saturday)]

I'm sorry you are hear and know that many of us here feel your pain.

Right now you need to take time to stop the bleeding. It is way too soon for you to make a decision as to what you want to do. Do not let her pressure you into forgiving her.

Your lack of a residence had absolutely nothing...nada...zero...zip...to do with her cheating. She cheated because she wanted to. She had the desire, the opportunity and the willing partner. Don't let her snow you into thinking this was your fault.

Get into that new place, but if I were yup I would not let her in. She needs to do the hard work and demonstrate some attempt at changing her behavior and showing real lasting remorse before you even think,about taking her back.

See the he thing is, you are in husband mode...left over from your married days. You should be in pissed-off boyfriend mode, ready to walk at any moment she does not show true contrition.

Hey unsure,

Sorry you're here. Only 5 months in and she already cheated? Not the best sign man. How long ago did you actually go exclusive? I know my stbxww and I were together 12+ years before she cheated on me (in theory). That was the only reason she got even a second chance.

This stuff is truly awful, and it takes years to get past. You need to decide if 5 months of history with someone is worth saving and fighting for. Don't decide now if you're not ready. I know what I would do, given what I know now that I've been on this hell train for 8 months.

Be strong man. You'll get through this.

We have been exclusive for 5 months and have spent every spare minute of those 5 months together. I'd be lying if I said it was perfect, but there was love and an effort from both of us to forge a lasting relationship. One piece of information I may have left out -- she told me she had slept with him almost immediately after it happened. It happened Thursday night and she texted me at 3:30 Friday morning. I came over that morning and she broke the news to me, face-to-face. She knew she was wrong and had to tell me ASAP. Again, not excusing her actions, just pointing out that she did not hide this from me. In fact, I knew that this guy was making unwelcome advances to her at work because she told me, and I asked her repeatedly to take steps to avoid him. She admitted to me that she was drawn to him a bit, but I never dreamed she would do something like this.

A lot of what she has been saying so far is centered around what will happen to her. The possibility that I'll leave her, she'll never see me again, her life will be ruined, etc. I believe that she cares about me and even that she loves me. It does bother me a bit though that what she is saying is more couched in the consequences on her end.

[This message edited by unsureofwhattodo at 9:00 AM, February 28th (Saturday)]

You have known each other for 5 full months. The beginnings of a relationship, at the point when two people are bonding to START a life together and she has consensual sex with a co-worker.She is not relationship material.

She is terrified of losing you. Doesnt sound to me she was to terrified while the OM was banging her. Sounds to me she realised what she would be losing. You have very little time in this relationship & trust is non-exsistant or should be.

There is nothing holding you to this woman except for the love YOU feel for her and in which she reciprocated by having sex with another dude.

Walk away with your head held high and thank god that this betrayal did not happen down the road when you have children and a history with this woman.

Hi Unsure,

I am sorry you find yourself here. The people here are great but we ended up here because bad things that have happened to us.

I, like you, had my GF cheat on me with a co-worker and someone I called friend at that time. We managed to get past it and my GF became my wife. She cheated again years later.

Most here will say, and I generally agree, what she did to you is all about her. It is *not* about you. It is also not about her or your current living situation. She has fear of abandonment, over developed "center or attention" desire, poor boundaries or something going on. It is generally recommended here that she should start IC to surface the whats and whys of those feelings. Has she cheated on or been cheated on the past?

You now have to decide if you want to move forward with this woman. Some things I feel are important in your considerations.

How entangled are your lives. Are there kids? And you married to her? Are there financial entanglements? It sounds like the answer to this is you have minimal entanglements with her.

Is she remorseful? This is an indicator of the likelihood if you can recover from infidelity issues. Regardless, you are at higher risk than other couples in dealing with problem again. Especially, if she does not work on the why did this happen issue. From your postings, I read she regrets doing this to you. This is a bit different than being remorseful for me, you will have to be judge here.

Be strong! You will pass through this to the other side. Try and make this a learning experience and one you emerge from stronger, no matter what path you choose.

I came over that morning and she broke the news to me, face-to-face. She knew she was wrong and had to tell me ASAP.

She had sex with him because she wanted to. Then she felt bad about the guilt eating her up, so she dumped her pain off of her and onto to you because she wanted it for herself. Now she wants to make sure she doesn't lose you.

She just dumped it all onto you. A huge, steaming dump truck load of pain that your worst enemy could not ever dump onto you. Ever. The only worse possible thing is if you were already married. But you are not, and in that she has offered a gift glimpse of a potential future.

You will never forget her infidelity and this pain. Don't make any decisions based on the idea that you will.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 11:34 AM, February 28th (Saturday)]

you've been 'exclusive' for 5 months. You have an ex. After all of this and her cheating on you after being exclusive for 5 months, do you really think it's wise to have her move in with you at this point ?? If you decide to stay, which I wouldn't, but if you do, you have a great shot at teaching her consequences by not allowing her to move in with you for a while until she shows what she's made of. If she moves in and does this, you are even more screwed.

While you didn't tell us how the ONS went down and didn't tell us what her history is since she's 33 and has to have some, we aren't getting a complete picture here.

Thanks for the answers!

I strongly urge you to get yourself into individual counselling at least for a couple of sessions, to figure out why you're willing to ignore such a huge red flag at the very beginning of your relationship, and so you'll have professional help in dealing with the emotional fallout from all this.

My ex cheated on me for the first time after 2 months, so also at the very beginning. I wish I broke up with her then. But looking back I see why I was so emotionally unhealthy/in a bad place and why I stayed.

Is she the first woman you've been after your ex?

Best wishes

The ONS started with the guy inviting her to dinner, she consented but insisted she would not be coming home with him (she knew his MO, he had been harassing her for months on end and wouldn't stop). They had drinks, she was afraid to drive, and he used this as an excuse for her to crash at his place. From there, he made advances, and she says she kept telling him no, but eventually gave in. It makes me sick just to type this.

She had been cheated on once before, but she has never done this to anyone before (or so she says).

@Hobbes -- I had been with two other women casually between my ex and this partner, but those were flings that lasted a month each. They don't qualify as relationships in my mind.

No, I won't let her move in with me now. Not a chance. Not until I am 150% sure I can trust her and who knows when that will be, or if it will ever be.

The irony of all this is that she was convinced many times she couldn't trust ME. She was paranoid about my talking to other females, so I quit Facebook to pacify her. Every time I used my phone in front of her, she accused me of texting another woman, so I stopped doing that. In the end, SHE was the one who couldn't be trusted. She's a hypocrite.

[This message edited by unsureofwhattodo at 12:15 PM, February 28th (Saturday)]

From there, he made advances, and she says she kept telling him no, but eventually gave in.

Sorry - don't buy it. Don't let her move in and please examine your willingness to let this skate after only a 5 month "relationship."

I've never been in a position where I am the one to end something, so this feels very odd. And yes, I wonder why I am willing to entertain the possibility that this can be fixed. Could it be the fear of being alone again? I think you several of you are right, I need to see an individual counselor sooner rather than later.

This is a sign of affairs

The irony of all this is that she was convinced many times she couldn't trust ME. She was paranoid about my talking to other females, ...

Cheaters feel others are thinking the same cheating thoughts as they are. This tells us the 'affair' goes back to before the night, they got drunk and had sex.

Her telling you right after 'it' happened is more likely to be caused by her feeling it would not be kept a secret by someone. Her AP, a friend whoever. Bottom line here is she decided to go to dinner with another man who was clearly sexually interested in her when she was 'exclusive' with you. That alone even without PIV would qualify as cheating with many people.

Affairs are about betrayals. The acts of betrayal are where the EA and PA terms come into play.

From there, he made advances, and she says she kept telling him no, but eventually gave in.

Sorry - don't buy it. Don't let her move in and please examine your willingness to let this skate after only a 5 month "relationship."

JustABrokenDream is right. Read your words above and think if would be a reasonable description of courting someone. Without more detail, I would say it is reasonable thing to assume. What was her attachment style with you? Similar to the above? I'd bet yes.

I have heard this story many times from many women. This often part of the dance ... persistence. Social norms put males into the aggressive role more often than not.