SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with Happyman. Yes, travel is tough. Spending her most exciting and some of her funnest times with a bunch of coworkers while you had to play homemaker is not easy nor fair.

One of my closest friends had to deal with this. His wife would do the same thing, then in between trips, she would catch up on her sleep or do things around the house and just expect him to be grateful she was home. When with others, it was Gin and Tonic and Old Town. With him, it was "let me fall asleep on the couch watching Discovery ID'. It was a grossly unfair situation.

The one good thing though is that while she blew up your sleep, she thought enough of you to call and think about you. I would have been more worried if she blew me off and didn't call at all.

So I don't blame you too much for being angry over it.

Then that lifestyle among other things turned her towards cheating which was the ultimate low blow.

I have another friend who travels more than everyone I know combined. Germany, China, Russia, France, New Zealand, every one of the 50 states. he understands how hard it is on the wife so he doesn't gloat. He does his work and once here and there will go out with the guys to a bar or two but nothing crazy. When he gets home, he takes the kids here and there and let's her go out with her sisters or a friend or two since he knows she's been couped up. No cheating, no resentment on either part. He doesn't even show her "yep, that's me in Red Square". He will say, "I went to Red Square. It was interesting. If you want to see pics, cool. If not and you just want to go there, I'll make it happen"

Travel for work sometimes is a necessity. How you handle it and how respectful you are in dealing with it on either end of the spectrum is key. You got angry, understandable. Sounds like she gloated and spent the best of her times partying it up with co-workers and another guy. Completely reprehensible

Good call on the divorce. I hate the concept of Separation. It is bullshit. It's called "let's put our issues off and deal with them later" while giving the other side an open hand in stepping out with someone else while still married. It has to be one of the stupidest concepts I've ever heard about, except if you are separated pending divorce. Like you are supposed to say after 1 year of separation "How many times did you sleep with Nathan during that year ? " just to hear back "None of your business". That's not a winning strategy. In one year, you could be divorced, in a better place yourself and even meeting someone new. Instead, you will get yourself better in separation just to trigger again and then will find you just wasted a year of your life waiting for the person holding the same baggage. So good call there.

[This message edited by Western at 7:10 AM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

So I just realized some really messed up stuff about their affair.

1. I knew this one but they were together right after V-day. Won't make that day any easier next year.

2. I checked out the wedding date for the OM, October 14, 2013. My wife was there that week and they tried to be together but couldn't. So while she was celebrating their first year of marriage and being pregnant, he was trying to fuck my wife.

What an asshole. I mean, wow, that's pretty low in my opinion.

Disgusting people. I will never be shocked that my wife could do this. I'll get over it but the fact that she could do this to another pregnant woman is just so hard for me to grasp.

The creep sent her pictures of his child. She knew his wife's name, his son's name and they still went through with it all. It's just so damn messed up.

Every day, I get more reinforcement of why divorce is the best plan.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I don't know what I would have done without finding this place. I was lost and everything got better once I got here.

I checked out the wedding date for the OM, October 14, 2013. My wife was there that week and they tried to be together but couldn't. So while she was celebrating their first year of marriage and being pregnant, he was trying to fuck my wife.

October 2014, isn't that when WW and POSOM first had sex. He was more than trying, he was scoring. Celebrating the first year of marriage by screwing another woman, that Nathan is a real first class POS.

Did your wife attend his wedding, like maybe not officially invited, but watching from the back of the church?

Disgusting people. I will never be shocked that my wife could do this. I'll get over it but the fact that she could do this to another pregnant woman is just so hard for me to grasp.

Symptomatic of the ME ME ME person you wife truly is.

Situation remains the same. She's going to move out. She'd rather get separated instead of a divorce but I want the divorce.

Why does she only want to separate? It doesn't sound logical.

[This message edited by marbou888 at 9:26 AM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

So I just realized some really messed up stuff about their affair.

1. I knew this one but they were together right after V-day. Won't make that day any easier next year.

2. I checked out the wedding date for the OM, October 14, 2013. My wife was there that week and they tried to be together but couldn't. So while she was celebrating their first year of marriage and being pregnant, he was trying to fuck my wife.

What an asshole. I mean, wow, that's pretty low in my opinion.

Disgusting people. I will never be shocked that my wife could do this. I'll get over it but the fact that she could do this to another pregnant woman is just so hard for me to grasp.

The creep sent her pictures of his child. She knew his wife's name, his son's name and they still went through with it all. It's just so damn messed up.

Every day, I get more reinforcement of why divorce is the best plan.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I don't know what I would have done without finding this place. I was lost and everything got better once I got here.

Everyone here rightly hit you with a 2x4 when you started going down the "but what could I have done better" path. You, rightly, corrected everyone.

These type of thoughts will continue to flesh out over the upcoming months until you see your wife's decisions as the disgusting things that they were. Nothing more and nothing less.

Her affair had NOTHING to do with your marriage. It will soon be clear to you that you could have looked like Brad Pitt and treated her like a Saint, and she still would have done the same fucking thing.

So I just realized some really messed up stuff about their affair.

2. I checked out the wedding date for the OM, October 14, 2013. My wife was there that week and they tried to be together but couldn't. So while she was celebrating their first year of marriage and being pregnant, he was trying to fuck my wife.

The creep sent her pictures of his child. She knew his wife's name, his son's name and they still went through with it all. It's just so damn messed up.

you might want to tell OM's wife this

Hey ICO, just chiming in with the others -- I traveled a lot for business with 3 kids under 5, and sometimes had to go out for a drinks with sales guys or customers. I didn't expect my wife to be anything but cranky about that!

If your wife decided that letting the good times roll and spreading her legs for a newlywed father-to-be was a justified response to your attitude, she has serious issues.

Has she said that she was wrong to have the affair?

What does she say she would need to work on to have a good marriage, with you or anyone else?

Right now it continues to sound like she is pouting that you spoiled her fun times with her fuck-buddy and maybe that she wants to go find another one since you 'ruined' this one.

My advice continues to be to make it all real with the minimum amount of drama and the maximum amount of respect both for who she used to be and for her as your co-parent. Proceed with the divorce as quickly as possible, get her out of the house as quickly as possible, and continue to take positive steps in putting yourself in a better place physically and mentally.

Yeah, you could have been a better husband; that was fixable and you will be better in many ways just realizing what caused you to act as you did and learning how to handle things differently.

I hope she realizes how much you mean to her before you have found another better woman. Her fuck-fog is not all gone; maybe the divorce will finally blow it all away. One thing is for sure and that is you and your kids will be infinitely better off than you were a couple months ago with a wife and mother who had checked out.

Best wishes as always!

So the OBS and I have been talking several times. She gives me a little more information and I do likewise.

I had a scare that this fucking asshole might have gone to the Zoo with my kids. If I find out that did happy, there is going to be hell to pay.

My wife denied it and had a lovely story to go along with it. Of course, I can't really trust a single word she says.

The OM is trying to TT the OBS. Stupid move. Seems like he's starting to spill the beans more now that they know we are talking.

I also found out that my wife went out with him before they were officially a thing, here in my hometown, just the two of them. So that's cool. They were a thing before they were a thing.

The OBS told me that in their work emails he told her that he missed riding together in the same car. I will never ride in that vehicle again. I want to burn the damn thing.

My STBXW of course rode in his car while she was over there. The OBS knows this and is not real happy.

It's so messed up. I just need to get her out of here. Then I at least won't have to look at her every day.

As far as their anniversary goes, my WW went over there the day of their anniversary but wouldn't have landed until the next day. They didn't have sex that time. They only made out. Yippie, I feel so much better.

They had sex the first time in November, in my hometown.

ICO

Stop thinking about it. You already know more than you need to.

She will soon realize just as you did that all they did was lie to themselves and hang out in fantasy land for a year while abusing their spouses.

Because after all that is all that they accomplished.

They both leave empty handed. And you and the OMW do too.

Now think how pathetic that is and you realize just how selfish they truly are.

Focus on you and the kids. That is what matters.

HM

Yea I know. I started to calm down a bit ago. The thought that he might have spent time with my children was just too much.

I didn't realize this but it helps put it in perspective...every time no contact was broken, which was only twice, I had it in my head that my STBXW was somehow tricked or something. Now I know that wasn't true.

The first time, he called her but she knew about the call and even wrote him when to call her.

The second time was through IM. I thought he called or contacted her. No, she contacted him.

It doesn't change my path but it just shines more light on how fucked up she is. Just all of these little nuances that I'm picking up on now.

I've got to get her out of the house. She is my enemy of happiness.

ICO, I just have to say again - I am so bloody impressed with you...

YOU GET IT. Everything I did wrong, you are doing right. Everything I twisted - you have it straight. Keep it up man, seriously.

I absolutely hear you on how TWISTED they are. It is as warped as you think it is. Being a 'couple', yet he sends her pictures of his kids?!? Sick. Just sick.

I know how they do it, in case you are wondering. They compartmentalize. Him and his cute kids? Well that just means he's a 'good guy' at home... Same with your wife and YOUR kids. Home life is like a 'photo op' for their lover. Then they moon over each other and blow smoke up each others' butts about how AWESOME they are! Little barbs are thrown at the stupid, clueless spouses they are cheating on - but I mean can you blame them? Their spouses are so lame and THEY ARE SOOOO AWESOME!!!! Only they know how awesome they are. Only they appreciate each other.

Yes, you can barf now.

Yes, it is totally delusional. That is why exposure and honesty are like a horrible acid to cheaters.

Yes, they are the enemies of our happiness.

Keep on keepin' on ICO. I know the situation sucks, but you got this.

[This message edited by jobin at 12:30 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

I disagree with dropping it. I think you should write the Moby Dick of exactly every piece of information that you know and provide it to OBS. Make it your life's work to take retribution out on this guy.

Tell OBS that you do not trust that she hasn't had any other sexual partners and that you are getting a STD test.

Out of curiosity, OBS knows that they're still talking every day at work, right?

I've told OBS everything I know and she's given me some stuff I didn't know.

I told her that they work together on a lot of projects and that they have to email almost on a daily basis. I can't say for sure that they talk, email, or whatever now. I have no visibility into their work relationship.

My STBXW says that they don't talk anymore but she's a proven liar.

I told her that I was getting tested for STDs today. Actually didn't happen, I have to go to a lab for that.

Anyway, I know she made the OM get tested.

ICO, I like your anger and resolve. It is controlled and focused and you are getting a great deal of energy out of it. You are putting it to positive use, and I admire you for that.

Keep on overcoming, and good things will happen.

Not that you need it, but my number one takeaway from my experience: THEY LIE.

Even when it flies in the face of common sense.

Even when there appears to be no need.

Even in the face of direct evidence to the contrary.

Of course they are still talking at work. Why wouldn't they? You said it - you have no way of confirming, she knows this, OBS is in same spot - so what possible incentive do they have NOT to?

So yeah. Sadly you are safe to just remain calm and trust your gut and logic. Anything out of her mouth that is 'good news!' for you that cannot be verified is very very likely to be a lie. In her mind it is okay because 'you don't understand' and 'it would hurt you to know the truth' plus the always popular 'you will never find out - and what you don't know can't hurt you'...

You can't reason with them, you can't plead to their human decency - they are emotional terminators...

The passive aggressive move of a lifetime is sending the OBS a handwritten thank you card for being a good friend throughout all of this. Your wife's boyfriend WILL see it AND OBS will parade the fucking thing around the house like it's the Crown Jewels as to what a real man acts like.

Spend the extra five bucks and buy the damn thing from Papyrus.

Just very simple "thank you for your help in all of this. It sincerely means a lot to me."

My WH also sent photos of our 11 year-old DD playing in a fountain during our family vacation to his AP about a year ago. I was furious, I totally get that. Happyman64 is right, stop thinking about it-- they call it "compartmentalization." My WH was messaging the AP photos of our son, and she was texting back-- "You're such a great dad. Are you coming over tomorrow night?"

They deserve each other. You deserve better. We're all with you on that. Let it go.

Wow, I LOVE Eric's idea. So simple, so elegant... I would keep it as straight-to-the-point as he suggests as well.

I think what I like best about it, is the fact it appears to have NO intention other than to thank her. But the chain of events he described are so likely to occur it is just beautiful.

I think I heard her say that I ruined the other relationship. Her exact quote was that "I made sure to put a stop to the other relationship so there's that."

I know she's thought about telling her boss that we are going through a divorce and I'm very angry and crazy. So I'm a little concerned about that.

I believe she's so far gone there is no hope for her. She's way too involved with this guy. She's mad at me for blowing up his world and ruining hers.

My wife was there that week and they tried to be together but couldn't. So while she was celebrating their first year of marriage and being pregnant, he was trying to fuck my wife.

I just find it hard to believe there was or is any empathy from your wife during her life. She has a sense of entitlement about the OM and doesn't give two cents that the OBS knows and is the one married to OM. Not a care in the world for the "man she loves family (OBS)". I am so glad I will never understand the nerve or what the Hell goes through APs heads. As a female BS, I just want to say to your wife, "Who the F*()& do you think you are?"

You are right: disgusting and I might add CRUEL.

She is still in LA LA land if she thought she would be able to continue with that relationship after it was blown out of the water. Even to want to continue after knowing the pain and devastation she has caused her family and his...just not fooling herself but a b*&^%. Sorry, but female APs like her just make me mad.

Marriage goes both ways. If there were issues. She was just as responsible to fix them as was you. YOU at least didn't try to fix them with another person and leading another life. You picked up all the shit and did all the shit so she can go have fun on all your hard work. SHE didn't give a damn about you or her children if she was carrying on like a harlet with other people.

Bro-hugs. Have you recommended to the OBS to visit this site or some other site that deals with infidelity/marriage? She sounds she could use this kind of support.

Best wishes

Just a quick thought on that Hobbes-

IF OBS happens to mention it (SI) to OM in a moment of weakness/anger/desperation- it may go like this:

OM- "so now your H is telling my W where she can get help to screw me over. A place called SI online . He's been there getting all sorts of advice to destroy you."

STBXW flips and does a search.

And ICOs safe place is no longer his.

I may be paranoid- but- did I mention I've been cheated on? It does that to you.