SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

EXCEPT how he handled it

And therein lies the rub. My husband deleted texts immediately after dday. It was some joke with a coworker and he thought I'd freak.

It wasn't about my reaction or about the text. What it was about was him still trying to control what I did/didn't know so that he could manage me. And then, when confronted, told me it was my hypothetical reaction that caused him to do this.

It's wayward, through and through.

100% agree Lark. We had a major turning point when he saw I was no longer going to accept his management of me and less than 100% truth. That is when I FINALLY began to see him change.

My XWW went on a lot of "business trips" during our last year of marriage. Despite the red flags I gave her the benefit of the doubt because she had started a new job that required some travel.

After she gave me an STD, she admitted to a ONS, and swore that was the whole truth.

I ran dr phone and discovered 4 LTAs in the last year of our marriage alone. Sometimes I wish I could un-read the things I read. I should have filed for divorce on day 1.

The minute you realize there's a problem, yet you stay in the relationship, you become part of the problem. It took a long time for me to realize that, and to stop being a victim.

It sounds like your wife is a repeat offender, like my XWW. This really hits a nerve with me.

Agree completely with BS 123 too. You do not have to be part of her problem and IT IS her problem. But, you do have to make clear that this kind of thing, if there is no "actual" smoke, is unacceptable. Period. I saw major change with my H when I told him he would give me the truth regarding the deleted text messages (I confronted on the phone and he denied, gaslighted, then blameshifted) BEFORE I got home from an hour long commute OR I would promptly file (my already drafted) D papers on the next business day. He worked diligently to recover them the next day. I didn't file. And change began. He knew I was no longer going to accept such a thing. But I had to mean it.

if it runs on android you can get deleted texts by going into the contacts list and hitting the menu button...which will give a "history" option...showing all calls and parts of all texts.

Thank you for your encouragement. I will keep digging.

Guilty: HG, PLANC, LIB, bbyg, deadmum, MOB, time, sadielost, real, Amanda, marie, astronomy, pass, lark, curious, bs123

Embarrassed: ROBSTER,

Possibly innocent: angel

BS123, Tren: She did use a trip in the past for her affair, but she was looking to get in a totally different business at the time and she thought she could get work from that person. Emotional affair may not be a deal breaker, but I don’t know how I would overcome another sexual affair of hers. I have told her and written to her that I could not tolerate another affair or be a party to her affairs. There is reason to doubt; now I need proof or an admission. She admitted her affairs voluntarily after going into depression about them.

Time, sadielost, never, curious: I will look into dr. fone and internet. Thank you for your advice, but I may spend a little more time sleuthing, and gathering material evidence. Your approach may be necessary very soon though. I would not have deleted any messages if I wanted transparency. I don’t want her to go underground either and make finding evidence harder.

PASS: Sorry about your princess. I thought I had a princess that I could trust again. Now not so sure. I heard her excuse, but don’t believe her.

LARK: When I asked her about the deletions, she didn’t tell me that she was sorry that she put me back to doubting her. She told me that everything was benign and I don’t have to worry.

Angel: thank you for the other side, a side that I hope for but will remain “hyper-vigilant.” I will ask her not to delete any more messages and I will look into data recovery asap.

Sybo: thank you; I will look into “history”

Hi Grey...hope you are ok. I wanted to say one more thing. My recommendation: You don't ASK that she not delete them. There is NO MORE nice. You TELL her that YOU will not BE with her if she does. It is not a request. It is a boundary that will not be crossed without consequence. It isn't mean, or aggressive. It just is.

Her lack of remorse for this setback is very troubling.

Has she read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?"

I would consider that a basic requirement of R. As in - sit down and read this tonight, WW. It should only take a couple hours.

She is not getting it - at all - and is likely still cheating.

Do not put up with it. You deserve better.

Dude, this isn't just a red flag its a damn forest fire. She had stepped over a R boundary by texting another person outside the M for purposes other than business. She said it herself that she didn't want you to see the texts and there is a reason why that is. What consequences did you set previously in order to R ? Once again your playing detective while your WW is behaving in a manner that's not conducive to the M. I suggest you bring the hammer down hard for this one, even if she didn't physically cheat her actions are causing you and the M harm. Simply put she cheated a year ago and once again she is hiding communication with another man. She is laughing in your face and daring you to do something about it. I suggest you do just that.

She told me that everything was benign and I don’t have to worry.

Then why bother deleting them?

AngelFlower: thank you for your advice. My WW and I had that very discussion. I think she understands how at the least it was a big trigger for me when she deleted the texts.

Joy: I have downloaded "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?" She is visiting my DD at school this weekend, but I will talk with her when she returns.

Stronger: I have access to her FB, emails, and GPS location. Technology moves so fast that no one can stay up with the different apps available for communication. BTW, freeze the soup and then you can eat it with chopsticks

Dobby: She saw I was already accelerated in my suspicion when she came home. An acquaintance shared with me that week that his wife was cheating and I was primed to explode.

Good news! I was able to recover all the text messages and compared the list with phone records. The texts listed sales meetings and lunches with no personal details or flirting.

One phone number that involves only texts seems to correlate with multiple recipient texts on her phone. Is that how ATT deals with multiple recipient texts? They are always TO: and never FROM: texts.

Thank you SI community.

I am very glad I was wrong! That's a relief. Still, she should know better....

Good news! I was able to recover all the text messages and compared the list with phone records. The texts listed sales meetings and lunches with no personal details or flirting.

There's also some bad news in there too.

The fact that she deleted the texts and her reason for deleting shows she still operates under a wayward mindset.

Greyson

Other than not having an affair then what has your wife done to not have an affair since you two decided to reconcile?

The way I see it then if a spouse has an affair without some guilt, remorse or regret even as it’s happening then it’s borderline sociopath behavior. That’s actually pretty rare… Usually the WS is totally aware of the inappropriateness of his/her actions and finds ways to deal with the guilt. That is the base of the remorse and regret when discovered.

Your WW cheated for a reason. She did so several times. If she did so with no guilt or no fence to climb to cross into infidelity-land, then she’s a sociopath and I seriously doubt that.

If she hasn’t dealt with what brought her to the fence, made her lean on it and wonder if the grass was greener on the other side and eventually climb over it… then she’s doomed to do so again.

Furthermore, your comment about being able to cope with a new affair as long as it was “only” EA… It sorts of indicates you have accepted that she strolls along that fence stealing an occasional glance.

I also have to add that your reason for her affair (OM could provide her a job) is really bad… That indicates she’s willing to drop her morals for financial gain. There is a term for that sort of activity… This – to me – indicates you two haven’t really dug into the real reasons for her infidelity and settle for a plausible but not the real reason.

So I ask what has your WW done to discover why she looks for that fence?

Is it validation? Sense of power? Lack of self-worth? Sexual gratification?

She needs to get to the bottom of this and find ways to cope with whatever leads her to the fence.

This thread is 2 1/2 months old, Brandon.

maybe we should all take a lesson from this thread. It is all about TRUST, trust on both sides.

Your wife couldn't trust you not to over react (as you may well have done)only you know if you would be unhappy that she was communicating with a man (trust again)

All of us that have been betrayed are hyper vigilant and because the worst DID happen we are willing to jump to conclusions and assume.

I know my WH would delete texts from woman because he would be frightened I would be upset (I actually would) Yet one half of the world is the other sex to you and work mates are often the opposite sex.

If I were you I would try to relax and have a little faith, tell her you prefer her not to panic as you want an open relationship with no more lies or subterfuge. You simply didn't trust each other .

VERY UNDERSTANDABLE but will stop R if not handled wisely.

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:37 AM, July 1st (Friday)]