SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Destroyed,

You asked her for NC immediately. It's been 2 days. Have you gotten confirmation of NC? Do you have access to her phone and email account? Could you get ahold of her phone records and check for NC?

Gently, it sounds like you're waffling from Sunday. She's throwing you crumbs of hope and you're all too happy to drop your demands and compromise for her. Even if she is genuinely wanting to R (which I don't believe given her statements about how you're plan B and better than being a single mom), you're letting her push you back into submission by calling all of the shots. This SEEMS like progress but really you're setting her up for failure the second you start making real demands about transparency, accountability, maybe you will even want a timeline of her A, the full truth, and a polygraph to prove it. Right now she's giving you nothing but words and they are the words of a liar. They don't mean much. You have no idea if they are true and many reasons why you should not assume that they are.

Right now, you're right that she's acting like a child. If your child tried to weasel out of consequences like she is now, how would you handle it? What would you be teaching your child by letting them compromise and put off punishments? Wouldn't it teach them that they can talk you out of consequences? That's exactly what's happening here. She now knows your demands are up for negotiation and she has the upperhand. She will use that against you for as long as you allow it.

I told her that one of her problems is...

I can generally gauge what she'll do and I'm pretty sure that's how she'll react.

You don't know what her problems are and you can forget about everything you think that you know about her. You have no idea who she has become and why she's doing/done all of this. I know... you think I'm wrong. Brother, I've been there and done that and every single one of the gentlemen here are likely to agree with me.

You don't know who this woman is anymore.

And the real kicker... she doesn't, either.

"I don't know..." is all she can tell you because she really has no fucking clue why she has destroyed her own life... and the lives of all of those who love her.

Don't presume to understand her or this. You don't. It's going to take a lot of work on her part to begin understand her "surface whys." And then, she's going to have to dig deeper.

There is absolutely no point in going to marriage counseling with someone who doesn't understand herself! And the same, my friend, is true for you. Surviving infidelity, whether you D or R, is going to test you to the very core of your being. So far, you doing well. You've made a few mistakes. Man, every single BS makes all sorts of mistakes when it comes to this shit. They don't teach SI in college. At least, I never saw it in the course guide.

...most of it she never thought through to any real extent.

I had to laugh at this. Sorry. If a wayward every thought any of this through, they wouldn't have cheated. So, when she tells you she never thought all of this through, she's probably being honest. It's rather stupid and childish, but then again, so is infidelity.

You're extremely early into this "process." Keep your D plan ready to go. Go through your finances and see where you are, what it take to leave, get an apartment, separate all the insurance, etc... Have a plan of action ready to be pulled out a moment's notice.

And I'm sorry, man, really sorry to know what you're going through with her. It's hard to wrap your mind around. I know. So senseless. Such a waste.

Anyway... have your plans ready, step-back, detach and watch and see what she does. Words are going to meaningless for a while. My fWW says I love you and all I hear is jibberish.

Surviving this shit is going to be about you (and your kids). If your WW can take responsibility for herself and her actions, do the work it takes and reach a point of remorse, then you can think about things like reconciliation.

I still don't get the feeling that she even feels regret over what has happened. I hear her words but really the words of a liar can't be trusted.I don't recall you mentioning it but have you actually seen her shed tears over this? That would at least indicate regret... if for nothing else other than the impact on her.

I would also put a tracker on her phone and VAR in her car and any room in house she uses to make calls from when you are not at home. I really question her intent to maintain NC. Wanting 24 hrs to make a decision to end it is a big red flag. It's very likely they may have made arrangements to take this underground.

I agree with Unhinged. Very well put by him

"And the real kicker... she doesn't, either."

This is the mindfuck of infidelity. I mean she really doesn't know why. She has begun to realize how insane it all was.

Have a plan in case it all goes south. Divorce lawyer identified, accounts watched. Think about opening a new checking account in your name and have you check deposited there.

It is a long road to R. It can happen - I am proof of it. But be careful.

Destroyed, you are a fucking champion!

Remember what got you this far - CONTROL. You've controlled your response to the shitstorm you've been given, regardless of her response and without fear. Doing what's best for YOU.

If any of you folks who Just Found Out are reading this - take note of the things that got action.

No pick me dance.

No giving her space and time.

No begging.

No pleading.

"No talkin' man, all action" - Jane's Addiction

I actually sat down with a lawyer on Saturday and did a 'preliminary' meeting. Nothing paid, just going over my options and seeing how the legalities played out in my state (Alaska). It's not that complicated up here. It's a no-fault, gender neutral state.

DestroyedOne

Given her text you may not want to spend the money to file just to make your point. But I would do some of the things the lawyer probably recommended.

Actions speak louder than words. Things like separating your finances. Separate your credit cards and bank accounts. Maybe have a joint account for household expenses only. Who is on the car titles?

She wants you for stability and the OM for fun. Stability is the only reason she’s giving you the time of day. Give her a small taste of what her life would be like without the stability you provide.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 8:44 AM, May 11th (Wednesday)]

You're doing great man. Look at the beginning of this thread (less than a week ago!) and compare your attitude from then to now.

You've made great strides towards getting out of infidelity.

Stay strong, maintain your resolve.

I just received the following text from her out of the blue. Thus was totally unprovoked by me. I've been practicing the 180 for a long time now (weeks really) and haven't contacted her once today.

So I'm down with going to therapy. I don't know how I got here but I am sincerely sorry. I am a lying cheating POS and I'm so sorry. I've got some changes to make and I'm working on figuring all this out. I don't know how I ended up in this spot in life but I'm going to get out of it. I have disrespected you and I'm sorry.

I want to impress on you all how huge this is. She is a very reserved person and doesn't say these kind of things lightly. I'm not saying that I'm out of the woods or that everything is roses. I'm fucking shocked to be honest. I just wanted to keep you all posted on the drama that is my life.

That's a good sign but she can flip the other way at a moments notice. She is just starting to come out of the fog it seems but the process can take months so whatever you do don't go soft on her just yet. Keep pushing for a D and ride it out to the last minute to keep her at a high state of anxiety of losing the M until she hits rock bottom.

Also until she hates the OM (which she clearly does not) there's no chance of R (false R maybe). As long as she has pleasant thoughts of him she will always be distracted by it and won't put 100% into the M. When the OM is dead to her then R might be possible.

The two do you should go get those things from his house...together. Request that a police officer be present for this exchange. And then I would tell her..ahead of time...to tell om then, and there, in front of you and the officer, that she wants him to never contact her again, in any way, or she will seek a restraining order. And then I would make sure she understands any further contact, and you file.

I just received the following text from her out of the blue. Thus was totally unprovoked by me. I've been practicing the 180 for a long time now (weeks really) and haven't contacted her once today.

So I'm down with going to therapy. I don't know how I got here but I am sincerely sorry. I am a lying cheating POS and I'm so sorry. I've got some changes to make and I'm working on figuring all this out. I don't know how I ended up in this spot in life but I'm going to get out of it. I have disrespected you and I'm sorry.

Words my man only words. You need action from her not a sob/drama novel.

What has she done by her actions to show you she is committed.

No NC as of yet

Has she given you access to all her communication devices?

Has she scheduled IC for herself?

The NC thing would be a redflag. that should have been immediate not when she is good & ready.

You're WW has a long way to go to even begin to gain your trust. All it took after she totaly dissrespected you, your marriage, your family and blatantly shoving her PA in your face was just one text from her and you have jumped on HER bandwagon. Boy oh boy isnt she just so wonderful now. My man she does not get to call the shots.

Words my man they are only words.

Have to agree. They are only words.

I think the betrayed because they want to R, because they need even the slightest hint of remorse shown, will tend to latch onto everything.

When she says she doesn't know how she got there, of course she knew. She knew very well, this wasn't some lala situation, no matter how much it seems affairs come along and every develops at a break neck speed where everything spins out of control, those events are still the products of decisions and choices.

Every decision is rendered to the outcome that is best for them AT THAT TIME. So she's had her fun, been told to where to go, still had her vacation, now all of a sudden come the words she surely knew would tug on the heart strings..in other words, she's doing what's best for her because really the message is self serving, because no doubt you coached her in what you wanted for R. Immediate NC etc. She told you her sob story and now you get this.

Tread carefully man.

Big revelatory message but you're not even sure she's broken it off with OM yet. Is that respect?

Hi,

how has your sobriety been holding up? You have been dry for two plus years at this point stay strong. Go to meetings even if you feel you don't need to go.

Update?