SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi!Last Saturday my husband confessed he's been cheating on me with the babysitter... and that the 4 months old baby she's had may be his.

This was so... unexpected. I've always trusted him with my life. We weren't completely happy, I know, and I now realise we shouldn't have let our relationship deteriorate so much. We still loved each other but it seemed we had no time for one another. We had grown apart because of different intestests and little projects in common. So now this tells me there's no way we could be together again, much less with what he's done. There's no fixing the relationship now.

We've been raising my 4 year old niece together, whom he loves as if she was his. We've had her since she was 2. She's a girl with autism, and I'm worried about her and how she's going to handle the separation... The pain I feel is enormous. I feely pain, worry, anger, frustraition, and so much more. Never thought this could happen to me

{{{Hugs}}} to you honey. My wh cheated with his former student. The cliches are nauseating!

If it's a deal breaker it's better for your 4 year old to handle it now rather than later. It will be very confusing and hard for her but she will eventually adjust and thrive.

My kids are 8 and 11 and they sadly understood enough to plead with me not to leave wh. It's so brutal for kids and our WS never seem to realize the immense pain their selfish choices create for those that love them.

Stay strong and make a plan. Keep posting it really helps 💕💕💕.

Yep, those cliches keep repeating themselves. I work Mon, Wed and Fri mornings. That's when she was home, got our girl ready for kindergarden, took her there, then cleaned the house and fetched her. That she did for over a year and a half.

I never really liked this woman. She wasn't too good at cleaning the house, there was much she never did, but she was 'trustworthy', that's what Wh would say every time I talked about getting another employee.

According to Wh, she was the one who started it. She was so insistent he eventually said yes. And it happened... many times. He thought about telling me, but she didn't want to lose the job as she needed it. When he learnt she was pregnant (she was a bf and had no clue who the father could be, but the girl does look a lot like Wh) he started being overly anxious, negative, violent towards out dog, etc. I blamed it on work related stress. I couldn't have been more wront. I even dreamt about her baby being his!!! though I had no suspicion at all! I was so stupid!

He said he couln't hold it any longer and that he'd love to stay with me... But I really doubt he would have told me if it wasn't for the baby. He wouldn't answer when I said that. Sucks.

Nat,

Sorry that you have found yourself among us and that this is happening to you.

Is your WH still seeing the OW?

It is still really new and raw. Take some time to figure out how best to proceed.

Head up the Healing Library at the upper left hand side. Knowledge is power.

Do what is best for you and your niece today. See an attorney to understand your rights. You will feel better once you know your options.

Does the OW's BF know? If not, he deserves to especially if he thinks her child is his.

Good luck.

Hey IFaith,

He swears there's nothing going on between them now. That he wanted to stay with me and doesn't plan on moving in with ther (though she did suggest that a couple times in the past). Apparently they agreed on telling us at the same time. That's one of the reasons I'm so hurt. He said he wanted to tell me earlier, but OW didn't want me to fire her and lose that income. So he convinced me not to do so every time I got mad at her because she did something wrong. So her boyfriend now knows, they'll get a DNA test to figure out who's the father of her baby. She does look like my WH though, him being blonde and blue eyes and OW and her boyfriend quite the opposite. Baby is blonde and blue eyed.

Even if the baby is not his, he did what he did, and the affair lasted over a year. I would have forgotten a one night stand. I would. But this is too much...

Thanks for your advice.

Nat,

Please verify the OW's BF knows.

The fact that your lying, cheating WH tells you he does means NOTHING. You realize this.

Regardless if it is a ONS or a LTA - betrayal is betrayal and it sucks and hurts.

Have you looked into IC for you? You need to find you again and know that his A and horrid choices do not have to define you.

You matter. You are enough and he was just a stupid jackass not to realize that.

((hugs))

OW called the other night because she wanted WH to go to her house. Her boyfriend wanted to talk to him. He didn't go. Too scared of how the guy would react. So I know he knows. Might be waiting to know if baby is his or not.

I started going to IC yesterday. Not the first time, I went when I needed to step forwards and bring my niece home. It's not the same one though, as mine was too busy during the next few weeks.

I know. A ONS would have hurt too. But lying to me for over year... being able to have sex with me when he was also with OW... He said he didn't have enough courage. Maybe that's the case.

I've read your story and I can really relate to that. WH had been my best friend, someone I knew I could trust and rely on no matter what. *Sigh* We're never ready for something like this. I feel it'd be really hard to for me to trust anyone again.

They're both liars.

How do you know she called your husband? You assume her boyfriend knows, if she actually called telling him her boyfriend wanted talk to him. It's just as likely she called, they talked about how you're reacting, and how to keep her boyfriend in the dark.

Call her boyfriend. Don't tell your husband, just do it.

You need to file for separation, and child support. In most states the person who files first, gets more money. Even if you plan to stay together, you don't want a huge portion of your finances going to the OW.

Is he planning on being a part of this child's life?

I wouldn't have any more contact with her at all. If she wants money, tell her to get a DNA test first.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:27 PM, May 25th (Wednesday)]

Oh Nat! I hate this for you. I also hate your WH for you!

Have you and he adopted your niece? If so, I'd file for child support on her behalf BEFORE OW does. Of course, DNA testing would have to be done but I wouldn't let her paperwork beat yours to the courthouse. You file first. You can work on other things in the background concurrently.

So where is she now? Not still working for you, I hope. If she's no longer employed by you then why is she calling your WH? More importantly, why is he taking her calls? Get a lawyer!

And yes, verify that her BF knows. And get tested for STDs. ASAP!

Nat

Okay, the OW BF knows.

It is all coming out.

Not that is easier or better but it is out.

My other BS knew six months before I did. And never told me.

I reached out to him saying "I know" --- he responded that nothing he or I had to say to each other would make it better. Uhm...okay. But guess what? They took it underground for those six months and both continued to cheat.

My wish for you is to focus on the reality of your situation. I did not. I tried to control the outcome. I willed it to be so it should be.

Not so.

We did IC and MC and other counseling but I have buried my feelings down for almost 5 years.

Realistically for our kids but also for me. I could "beat" this (infidelity) but it's not about me...it's not about fighting "this", it is truly about the WHY and until you acknowledge that, IMO, it's all smoke and mirrors.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:47 PM, May 25th (Wednesday)]

Get yourself to a lawyer tomorrow and find out how to file for child support immediately, if you have legal custody of your niece and/or you have children of your own. This is important and you simply MUST do this before the results of that DNA test come back. Even if you reconcile with your WH, you have to do this. Your primary obligation is to take care of YOUR children first, because he obviously hasn't thought that out. And as has been pointed out previously, in almost all states, the first person who files and establishes child support gets the lion share. Anyone else who files afterwards gets a pro-rated share. This isn't saying that you're divorcing. It's saying that your children are going to be taken care of first, which is right and proper.

Confused615, well. I heard them talking. At least some part of it. You're right, there may have been more to the conversation. I don't have her boyfriend's number. WH may have it, but I don't have access to his phone and can't be asking. I could try and find him on Facebook searching her contacts. By I've blocked her! he.

WH is figuring out about that DNA test. Not sure how he plans to be a part of his possible daughter's life. He'll have to figure that out by himself.

Copioustears. We're in Argentina. We've had temporary custody and had started doing the paperwork for a permanent one, then we'd eventually adopt her. This is no easy thing to do here. Both biological parents are alive and have contact with her (but are not really able to take good care of her). I can't really ask WH to provide for my niece if we separate. Nor do I care, as I earn twice as much. No, she's not working for us anymore. That's the first thing he told me before confessing the affair. They need to figure out if the child is his. She called to talk about that and because her bf wanted to talk to wh. Or at least that he says. I'll talk to my lawyer tomorrow if possible. I already went to the doc yesterday. I had an appt already because something was not right. I'd had some bleeding and pain when having intercourse. But he said it's just a yeast infection, but he'll do some more tests after my treatment is over.

1Faith, I have decided to leave him. This house is rented and the contract is almost over. We'll go separate ways. I won't stay in an unhappy marriage. This made me see we were unhappy but didn't want to acknowledge it.

Skan. I'm from Argentina. Things are different here. As custody was not permanent yet, I don't think I can ask anything of him. I don't I need it anyway, but I'll talk to my lawyer. I need to be sure there won't be any trouble for me to get the permanent custody on my own.

I have decided to leave him.

Smartest.

Decision.

EVER.

The guy is complete piece of shit. Bad enough he's a lying, cheating, manipulative dirtbag, but when you mentioned he was violent towards your innocent dog, that was the limit. I can only hope the OW's boyfriend spends some 'quality time' with this greasy little coward.

Good for you, moving on. I repeat - smartest decision EVER.

NeverAgain2013 I was so upset at him when he was like that to the dog. I know, the dog (a lab pup) had chewed on his stuff. But that gave him no reason to be so violent. Once he was so violent (attempted to beat the dog with something heavy) I stopped him and yelled at him saying I would not put up with this kind of behavior. He wasn't as violent again, but still showed his despise for the poor pup.

Who tells me he's uncapable of doing that to me or our niece if he's too stressed some day? He can be particularly hurtful when he's angry at me. That's one of the reasons why communication failed. He was prone to making me feel awful with his comments about me. :(

Lord, that poor puppy! He's an abuser through and through. He's not safe for you, or your defenseless niece and pup. You need to do right by them. Neither asked to be in this situation.

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by CopiousTears at 8:07 AM, May 26th (Thursday)]

The worst thing is all people think he's a great person, a saint. Though he's charming and people love to be around him, they don't know what he can say about them when he's at home, frustrated with his clients or other people. They'd say: "But he looks like such a good person". I have always believed that too. He had his temper, but most times he was good, he accepted to take my niece in, etc.

I told my neighbour about his affair as I need her to help me with my niece. She told me to think this through, that he's such a good guy and not any man would accept to have my niece as his own daughter...

If only she heard him talking about her...

Try not to get distracted by what other people think. They see the surface stuff and good face he presents to the public. It's all an act to bolster his image. They don't know what's going on behind closed doors, but you do!

I have made up my mind, and so far he also believes that's what's best for us. I fear my indifference towards him may trigger other reactions eventually.

He tries to get closer even though there's no R in the horizon for us, and I won't let him.

I fear he'll soon start to express all that repressed anger and frustration towards me.

good job, Nat.

I like your decisiveness and not putting up with his NS. Move forward and hold your head high. You made the right decision. Sorry this happened to you