It's normal for you to be all over the place. It's a terrible enemy to have to fight. You're on the deluxe roller coaster. You not only have to deal with the cheating but sexuality thing as well. Horrible, horrible.
I didn't deal with it well at first, honestly. No one does.
I started out with going to a free, walk in counselling service. The first one was ok. I walked in 10 minutes before they closed but the social worker saw that I needed help. She assigned me a different counsellor for the follow up week and after that counsellor and one more at the walk in service, I noticed that I wasn't getting the advice I needed. It felt like even they didn't know what to do with me. But at the time, it worked well enough. The first one gave some very valid advice.
The advice was to find something that you want to do but never had the chance to try it and just do it. For me, it was archery. It worked well enough for me when I tried it.
Unfortunately, that was the last archery session in my area for a few months. I then researched and found a counsellor/psychologist to help me. By then, the sadness and pain was too overwhelming. He was an amazing counsellor.
There's the usual advice on SI that I do recommend you follow:
-Keep eating. This was tougher than it seemed. Eat whatever and whenever you feel like it. Make sure to eat at least something once a day. You may have to rely on smoothies for a bit. Eventually, you'll move on to something better. I ended up eating one small pack of yogurt snacks a day before my boss told me to eat a box of chicken wings because he couldn't stand seeing me not eat.
-Sleep...Essential oils and meditation apps helped. You may need to get something from your doctor if you're having a hard time on this. Avoid alcohol.
My advice is to get through the stunned/shocked part of the process before thinking in depth about the sexuality mess in front of you. Talk it out with a trusted friend. Choose the right friend, one who will listen to you. Like REALLY LISTEN. Not one who will force their opinion on you. This friend will support you even if he/she does not agree with you. You should not feel unheard around this trusted friend. Your actions, your opinions, you shouldn't be made to feel like a child or dumb or judged about them. Talk about whatever you want, what ever you feel comfortable talking about.
As for the gay thing, it took a lot of thinking. It took a lot of talking. On my end, I had to work through the stages. I was in denial, then depressed, then angry.
The theory that I believe is that you can't control your sexuality. However, you need the right environment to be able to express it. He didn't have the right environment until just before he started his cheating. My counsellor and I worked this out about 2-3 months after DDay. I guess realizing how broken my ex was, how confused he was, how there wasn't anything I could do to prevent this, how it wasn't my fault made me accept it (Oh goodness, I'm crying).
This isn't going to be easy. It took 5 months for me to actually feel a little like myself again.
If you are aiming to work things out, it is possible. But, keep in mind, it takes a lot of work. I do recommend IC (individual counselling) for both of you. He needs it to figure out his sexuality and the origin of why he is doing all of this.
This site will always be here for you. I'm so sorry to find you here but you are in good company.
[This message edited by BallofPain at 1:26 PM, June 12th (Sunday)]